Villanies Discovered: OR THE DEVILS CABINET Broken Open, &c.
THe task I have undertaken is so difficult, and the Persons I am about to desoribe so many, and their Vices and Practices so Villainously various, (though they all concenter in one Hellish design) that I know not how to begin, nor how to end when I have begun, for their Rogueries are infinite, and would everlastingly practice them, did not Hemp of their own beating, and a Rope of their own making, put an end to the further progress of their matchless Villainies.
However, I shall endeavour to give you an exact account of these Caterpillars, with their hidden and mysterious way of speaking, which they make use of to blind the eyes of those they have cheated or robb'd, and inform one another with what they have done, or designe to do. There is no profest Rogue whatever, (if he be qualified for his thieving faculty) but must be well vers'd in Canting: and to the intent that they may not fall short of being excellent proficients in all manner of Roguery, they lay the ground work thereof in Canting, for by this they are able to converse with, and understand those of the upper Form of Villany, and by constant frequenting their company, become acquainted with Canting words which are most new, and what are thrown aside as too commonly known, the use whereof if not timely left off, may be the Instruments which may unhappily betray them to their condign punishments.
The principal Professors of this Gibberish or Canting, I find, are a sort of People which are vulgarly called Gypsies; and they do endeavour to perswade the ignorant, that they were extracted from the Egyptians, a people heretofore very famous for Astronomy, Natural Magick, the Art of Divination, with many other occult Arts and Sciences; and these Strolers (that they may seem to have their derivation from these ancient black Magi) are great pretenders to Fortune-telling, and to colour their impostures, they artificially discolour their faces, and with this tawny hew and tatterdemallion habit, they rove up and down the Country, and with the pretension of wonderful prediction, delude a many of the younger and less intelligent people.
And that they may not prejudice their Society
any ways by foolish babling, betraying the hellish secrets of the fraternity, they swear all that are admitted into their Fellowship: for did they not take that course, they could not be safe among themselves from homebred treachery. For as they live together, so they lie promiscuously one with another; so that as they know not how to claim a propriety in the children begotten, the Mothers nely being sensible whose they are by conception, so all things else are in common among them. This general interest tyes them more firmly together, than if all their rags were twisted into ropes to bind them indissolvably from a Separation.
However they have a Form of an Oath, with Articles annexed thereunto, which though it binds but slightly, yet they keep it for the most part inviolably, which every one must take before he is admitted into this ragged society, administred by the principal Maunder, or Roguing Stroler.
The Form of the Oath, with the Articles thereunto annexed, which these Gypsies and other Stroling Canters take, when they are first admitted into this Society.
HIs name is first demanded, and after some little pause, a Nick-name given him, by which he is ever after called, and in time his other name is quite forgotten. Then up he stands in the middle, and directing his face to the Principal, he swears in this manner; as it is dictated to him by one of the most experienced:
I Crank Cuffin do swear to be a true Brother, and will in all things obey the commands of the great tawny Prince, and keep his counsel, nor
divulge the Secrets of my Brethren.
I will take my Princes part against all shall oppose him, or any of us, according to the utmost of my ability: nor will I suffer him, or any thereunto belonging, to be abused by any strange Abrams, Rufflers, Hookers, Palliards, Swadlers, Irish Toyls, Swig-men, Whip-jacks, Jark-men, Bawdy-baskets, Dommerars, Clapperdogeons, Patrices, or Curtalls, but will defend him or them as much as I can against thse or any other Outlyers whatever.
I will not conceal ought I win out of Libkens, or from the Rufmans, but will preserve it for the use of the Company.
I will never leave nor forsake this Company but observe and keep all the times of appointment either by day or by night, in any place whatsoever.
I will not teach any one to Cant, nor will I disclose ought of our mysteries to them, although they flaug me to the death.
Lastly, I will cleave to my Doxy Wap stiffly, and will bring her Cloaths, Hens, Turkies, Piggs, Geese, or any thing else I can come at, as winnings for her wapping.
Having adopted a new Brother, a general stock is raised for Booz; as for Peck, that they can procure without money; the Booz being fetcht, some are sent to break the Rufmans, for firing, others to filch Tybs of the Buttery, Cackling cheats, Margery Praters, Red-shanks, and Grunting cheats; their Morts are their Butchers, who presently make bloody work with what living things are brought them. The fire kindled under some remore hedg or obscure place, the food is diversly dressed; you must not imagine that they had a
Jack, or Dripping-pan, to roast their meat with; or when it was drest, they were overcurious of sauce, napkins, or trenchers; but to work they go when all is ready, Tooth and Nail; and having eaten more like Beasts than Men, they drink more like Swine than humane Creatures.
The Reasons, or Causes, of their following this course of Life.
THey are a lazy and idle fort of people which cannot indure to take pains for an honest livelihood, but rather then labour, strole up and down all the Summer time in Droves or Companies, and by telling fortunes (that is, by deluding young Country wenches, and other foolish and credulous people) they pick up a great deal of Money, not onely what is freely given, but they will dextrously pick pocket whilst they are telling these simple people what shall hereafter befall them. For whilst one of these cunning Gypsies holds the hand, pretending to read therin strange things which shall come to pass, another secretly and nimbly dives into their pocket; what money is taken from thence, is instantly conveyed to another, and so to a third, and by a fourth so cunningly hid, that the strictest search shall never find it out. If you tax them therewith, they will make a thousand imprecations, oaths and protestations that they have none of it, wishing the ground may open and swallow them up if they meddled therewith, yet if some perty reward be offered to the discoverer, or the severe lash produced, or soundly threatned, whatever was lost shall be instantly restored.
I have heard when silver hatbands were in fashion, h several of them were stoln off the hats of such who were so indiscreet as to inquire of these roguish Impostors what shall befall them, and by such means, that one would admire how it could be done, for whilst the Mother did earnestly look in the hand, the child at the back pin'd up with a skewer (after the Irish fashion) reaching over the Mothers head takes off the hatband; I am credibly informed that these childeren were taught to do it t two year old. Besides picking of pockets, they are very dextrous in stealing any thing that comes near their hands, either within doors or without, which they instantly convert into Money, and that into drink, of which they all share alike, all things being in common amongst them; this is it which makes them take such delight in this villainous way of living; in this following story you shall more fully understand their way.
In the Year one thousand six hundred seventy and one, I rode from London to visit some friends at Rochester, by the way I met with a crew of strling canting Gypsies, whilst I was busying my eyes about them with more curiosity than discretion, I was surrounded by them and so beset with them or every side, that I knew not what to think, having before moso many palpable symptomes of approaching danger; however, I thought it prudence not to express any fear, and therefore undauntedly I demanded their business, and the reason of their thus thronging about me? Sir, said one, which seem'd to be the lustiest and most confident fellow of the whole Company, we come from a far courtry (speaking in a strange tone, and stranger English) and are the true children of the Wise men of the East, we are skil'd in the dark and secret mysteries
of Nature, and suck'd from our Mothers breasts the knowledge of the stars, and can tell what hath or will befall mortals, by the lines in their hands; hereupon he desired me to let him look into my hand, and he would tell me things I should be glad and willing to understand. Whilst he was busying himself in telling me my fortunes, I with much earnestness observed his countenance, which methoughts I knew, notwithstanding its tawny dye; I view'd it again and again, and by often comparing the present lineaments of his face, with those my memory had formerly retained of him, I grew confident this man must be one of my former acquaintance. Having throughly view'd my hand, and seemingly taking some information from my face, he began to tell me some truths that I knew to be so, (for like a cunning Rogue he had not forgot me) though he would not take the least notice of me; and that I might not suspect him, he presently roved from the discourse of what he experimentally knew of me, and talk'd at random of I know not what; Having finished his predictions, instead of giving him a reward, I desired that I might see his hand, and in requital of the pains he had taken to tell me my fortune, I told him, I would tell him his; With some unwillingness he gave me his hand, and looking into it, after some pause, I spake after this manner: Sir, I can but reverence and admire you for your great skill, and must respect your person, in spight of the meaness of your apparel. What you have informed me with, for the most part is so true, that had you been my bosome and most familiar Friend, you could not have told me more; and that I may make proof of my knowledge in your mysterious art of divination, give me leave to tell you some things, the truth whereof your self shall be Judge of.
First, You are an English man, and have not one drop of Egyptian in you; the place of your nativity was Excester, where you made some proficency in the learning at the Grammar School; but so notorious arch and Roguish you grew, that before you arrived to sixteen years of age you had like to have been hanged twice. From this famous Western City, you were transmitted to London, where you had not served above half the time of your Apprenticeship, before you had committed so many villanies, that London was resolved to spew you out of your Native Country; for one fact (you wot of well) more notorious than the rest, transported you to Virginia.
My skill in Palmestry, Physiognomy, and Astrology, will not inform me more than what I have related: You know how you have behaved your self there, and since your return, and You and I both know what will become of you at last, if you do not shun this wicked and lazy course of life, and endeavour to live other wise.
Hereupon I clapt spurrs to my Horse, but could not stir one foot, for this sturdy Rogue had fast hold of my bridle Reins. Now did I think he would have hinder'd me from ever telling Fortunes more, but I was soon convinced to the contrary, when I saw in what humble manner he beseeched me to stay, that he might have a little time to discourse with me: I granted his request, and did so far prevail with me, as to lie that night at an house of his appointment.
Without much ceremony in taking leave of one the other, on I rid to the place appointed for our meeting, it being not many miles distant from the place where I met with this ragged crue of Tatterdemallions, I got in four hours before Sunset: I might have been there sooner had it not been for
the obscurity of the place on which this stately Maunding Mansion, this Begging Dormitory stood, which I found out more by the description my Captain Gypsie gave me of it, than any other information I met with by the way.
Arriving at the house, with what tokens I brought with me, my reception was as kind as they could make it; and preparations were instantly made, not onely for my sake, but for the welcome of the Strolers they expected.
The house was not very splendid you may imagine, yet large enough to contain three times tha Company. Whilst I was pensively sitting, thinking on what I had seen, and studying how I might divert my self till their coming, my Hosts daughter brought me some Ale, of which I had no sooner tasted, but I was forced to commend the goodness of it.
She was homely, yet cleanly clad, and very tall. The Father and Mother, what with age and artificial means they heretofore used to discolour their faces, look'd like the twins of a lecherous He-Devil, begotten on an overgrown age-ridden Lapland Witch; for it seems this pair of House-keepers had formerly used the trade of stroling and telling fortunes, but growing old and unable to travel, had by the assistance of the Brotherhood, erected this Fabrick for their reception.
The goodness of the Ale made me drink freely of it, and the liberty I took to indulge my appetite, made me as freely talk. This perswaded my Host and Hostess that they might take some freedom to, nor was the daughter therein a jot behind us; I might now properly say, we were as merry as so many Beggars: and that I might not want Musick to increase my mirth, the Father, Mother, and
Daughter did interchangably sing, but in such a language that I should never have understood what they sung, had they not been so kind to be their own interpreters. The songs which they sung in Canting I have added to this treatise.
I drank to so high a pitch, that I was forced to forsake my Company and betake my self to sleep, trusting them to do with me as they pleased, but awaking after two hours, and considering how foolishly I had done, I examined my pockets but found nothing missing, then turning my self about, there lay my untouch'd Bed-fellow, the Hosts daughter by my side, who tired with expectation was fallen asleep, it was unkindly done of me to slight the present my loving Landlady had sent me, and I could not but be troubled at the dissatisfaction I read in the eyes and face of the poor fool'd and cheated Girl.
By that time, I got up, in came the Egyptian Prince, according to his hour, with his Concubines children and the rest of his retinue, who were instantly conducted into the largest room in the house, commonly called the Hall, where every one being seated, and store of booz and fogus, (Drink and Tobacco) brought them, I was acquainted with their arrival, and of his Higness desire to have some conference with me.
I obey'd the Summons who upon my approach ars and welcom'd me into their Society: there were few complements past between us, instead thereof the brown bowl past often, none refusing their liquor, nay, these of four years old were taught 〈…〉 the bottom of the cup; in an hours time the room and all in i became invisible, for nothing was to be seen, but the smoak that proceeded from their Pipes of an inch long.
The fury of this smoaking rage being somewhat abated, and having pretty well drench'd their Vesuvian throats, they began to sing their wild tunes: endeavouring to make harmony out of the greatest discord imaginable.
I would fain have had some discourse with my old acquaintance, but he desired me to defer it a little longer and hereupon he calls a lusty rogue to him, and comands him to sing a Canting song, which was made upon the Budge, that is, such who steal into houses in the night carrying off what next comes to their hands; of which tribe, as he told me, he was formerly one, which he deserted for the continual hazard attending the Professers thereof, and betook himself to this, in which there is no great danger of life, only a fleaing of the skin now and then or so; and thus he sang.
1. Canting Song.
Of the Budge.
THe a Budge it is a delicate trade,
And a delicate trade of fame,
For when that we have b bit the blow
We carry away the c game.
But if the d Cully e naps us,
And the f Lurries from us take,
O then he g rubs us to the h Whit,
Though w'are hardly worth a i Make.
And when that we come to the Whit,
Our k Darbyes to behold,
And for to do our pennance there
We booz the Water cold;
But when that we come out again,
And the merry l Hick we meet,
Weel m file him of his n cole,
As he o pikes along the street.
And when that we have filed him,
Perhaps of half a p Job
Then every man to the q Boozing Ken
And there to r fence his hog.
But if the Cully napps us,
As a thing it is unfit
To take away the cole from us
And rub us to the Whit.
And when we come unto the Whit
For garnish they do cry,
Marry fogh, Pox on you, you son of a bich,
You shall have it by and by.
Then every man with his s Mob in his hand,
And so we kiss and part,
From hence we are divorced
To the Nubbing-cheat in a Cart.
And when we come to the Nubbing-cheat
For running on the Budge,
There stands uJack Kitch, that son of a bitch,
Who owes us all a grudge;
For when that he hath nubbed us,
And our friends x tips him no cole,
He takes his y Chive and cuts us down
And tips us into the hole.
But if we have a friend stands by
z Six and eight pence for to pay,
Then they may have 〈…〉 back,
And carry us quite 〈…〉
For at St Giles, or St. Martins
A burying place is still;
And there's an end of a running Budge,
And the Son of a whore hath his will.
This song being ended, I was askt how I liked it, I told him the tune might be passable, but in the composition there was much more impudence than sense or reason; he presently replyed, how grosly Sir you are mistaken, to expect from such either sense or reason; for had they either, they could not be so impudent as to continue in such courses which bring some or other of that Gang to
the Gallows every Sessions. I was somewhat surprized at this sudden reply from a person so inconsiderable to outward appearance, but the remembrance of his former good education and natural arts, lessen'd my admiration. Whilst I was thus nusing with my self, another of this Hellish conregation put me out of my dumps, by voluntary inging after this manner.
2. Canting Song.
The Beggars Curse.
THe Ruffin cly the nab of the Harmanbeck
If we maund Pannam, lap, or ruff peck
Or poplars of Yarum; he cuts bing to the Ruffmans,
Or else he boldly swears by the Lightmans,
To put our stamps fast in the Harmans,
The Ruffin cly the Ghost of the Harmanbeck.
If we heave a booth we cly the Jerk,
If we niggle or Mill a Boozing Ken
Or nip a bung that hath but a win,
Or dup the Giger of a Gentry Coves Ken,
Straight to the Cuffin quire we bing,
And then to the Whit, to scour the cramprings,
From thence at the Nubbing-cheat we trine in the Lightmans
The Bube and the Ruffin cly the Harmanbeck and Harmans.
Thus rendred in English, word for word.
THe Devil take the Constables head
If we beg milk, bacon, butter or bread,
Milk, Pottage to the hedge bids us hie,
Or swears by this light i'th stocks we shall lie.
The Devil haunt the Constables Ghost,
If we rob but a Cabbin w'are whipt at a post;
If a pittiful Ale-house we rob or break open,
Or cut a purse hath but one single token,
Or come stealing in at a Gentlemans door,
To the Justice w'are hurried though never so poor
Then next to the Goal to be shakled with irons
And then to the Gallows which many invirons,
Where up we are truss'd i'th' day time; the Pox
Take the Constable and the Devil take the stocks.
Now it was thought high time to interline their inging with drinking, which they did with a witss. The strangeness of their adventure, as it ossest my brains with admiration, so it seized my fancy with some kind of delectation, and to expr sme sense of satisfaction, I seem'd in some measure as merry as they; my complacency to their humours so obliged them, that striving to outdo each other in singing, I thought with the Nightingal, they would have dyed in the attempt; had not supper come in in the mean time to stop their Mouths. I lied the chear well enough, being good provision, and well dress'd, but the sight of the opposite Guests had so turn'd my stomack, that not one bit would go down with me.
I could not forbear laughing out-right, when I consider'd my sitting at the table. I was seated at the upper end, as deserving the place by the merit of my garme s, the two poles admitting of no greater difference than between their cloaths and mine. Any one of indifferent judgment seeing me so inthron'd, would have sworn I had been King of the Beggars, or that I had been some Low-Country
Factor sent over to traffick with these Rag-merchants.
Our stomacks were so sharp, that we tock not the tythe of the time a Dutchman doth in the filling his belly; to be short, we fell again to drinking; and now to gratifie me for my company, the fair Barbarian Princess would needs take upon her to sing also; this Princess you must know was the principal and most beloved Concubine of this Gypsie King, and had been so to three before him, one whereof was so severely (flaugg'd at the Tumbler) whipt at the Carts-arse for several mis-demeaners, hat he dyed thereof, the other was (nub'd) hang'd, and the last (marrinated) transported.
She was not so old but that her Prince acknowledg'd her the most bucksom thing he ever saw, and ndeed by her countenance I could guess no less; but so foul and athsome by reason of her Raggs and Hellish paint, that he must have a stronger stomack than I, that hath a mind to swop his Jockum with her: the song she sung was this.
3. Canting Song.
Being a Wenches complaint for, and praise of her lusty Rogue, who rambled the Country with her.
NOw my Kinchin Cove is gone,
By the Rum pad maunded none,
In quarrons both for stamps and bone
Like my Clapperdogeon.
Dimber damber fare thee well
Palliards all thou didst excel,
And thy Jocky bore the bell,
Glymmer on it never fell.
Thou the Cramprings ne're didst scowre
Harmans had on thee no power,
Harmanbecks did never toure
For thee, though Drawers still had loure.
Duds and cheats thou oft hast won
Yet the Cuffin-quire couldst shun
And thy Deusavile didst run,
Else the chates had thee undone.
Cank and Dommerar thou couldst play
Or Rum-Maunder in one day,
And like an Abram-Cove couldst pray
Yet pass with Jybes well jerk'd away.
When the Darkmans have been wet
Thou the Crackmans down didst beat
For Glymmar whilst a quacking cheat,
Or Tib o'th' Buttery was our meat.
Red shanks then I could not lack,
Ruff-peck still hung at my back,
Grannam ever fill'd my sack,
With lap and poplars held I tack.
To thy Bughar and thy skew,
Filch and Jybes I bid adieu,
Though thy Togeman was not new,
Yet the Ruffler in't was true.
In English thus.
NOw my little Rogue is gone,
By the High-way begs there none,
In body both for length and bone,
Like my Clapperdogeon.
Pretty Rascal fare thee well,
Born beggars all thou do'st excel,
Thy Sweep-stakes still shall bare the Bell,
No Fire-ship yet aboard it fell.
Bolts my Bully ne'r did wear
Never thou the stocks didst fear,
For thee no Constable did swear,
For thou hadst Mony and to spare.
Cloaths by stealth thou oft hast got,
Yet the Justice took thee not,
But through the Country thou didst trot,
The Gallows else had been thy lot.
Dumb and Madman thou couldst play,
Or a drivling Fool all day,
And like a poor man thou couldst pray.
Yet stap'd with Passes seal'd away.
When the Evening hath been wet,
For Fire the Hedges down didst bear.
Me then with stoln Duck didst treat,
Or else a fat Goose was our meat
Mallards then I could not lack,
Bacon hung always at my back,
Nor Corn wanted in my sack,
With good Milk pottage I held tack.
To thy Dog and Dish adieu
Thy Staff and pass I ne're must view,
Though thy Cloak was far from new,
In it my Rogue to me was true.
And now Prince Prig could forbear no longer, but that he must put in for a Continuer of this harmony; when he began to sing, he fix'd his eyes stedfastly on this fair, foul, bucksome, loathsome, courtly ragged Mistress of his, by which I guest the lines might concern her; and so they proved by the sequel.
4. Canting Song.
The Rogues delight in praise of his Stroling Mort.
DOxy oh! Thy Glaziers shine
As Glymmar by the Salomon,
No Gentry Mort hath prats like thine
No Cove e're wap'd with such a one.
White thy fambles, red thy gan,
And thy quartons dainty is,
Couch a hogshead with me than,
In the Darkmans clip and kiss.
What though I no Togeman wear,
Nor Commission, Mish, or slate,
Store of strummel wee'l have here.
And i'th' Skipper lib in state.
Wapping thou I know dost love,
Else the Ruffin cly thee Mort,
From thy stampers then remove
Thy Drawers and let's prig in sport.
When the Lightmans up do's call
Margery Prater from her nest,
And her Cackling cheats with all
In a Boozing-Ken wee'l feast.
There if Lour we want I'l mill
A Gage or nip for thee a bung,
Rum booz thou shalt booz thy fill
And crash a Grunting cheat that's young.
Bing awast to Rome-vile then
O my dimber wapping Dell,
Wee'l heave a booth and dock agen
Then trining scape and all is well.
The English thereof.
MY honey Chuck, byth' Mass I swear,
Thine eyes do shine than fire more clear,
No silken Girl hath thighs like thine,
No Doe was ever buck'd like mine.
Thy hand is white and red thy lip,
Thy dainty body I will clip,
Let's down to sleep our selves then lay,
Hug in the dark and kiss and play.
What though I no cloak do wear
And neither Shirt or Sheet do bear,
Yet straw wee'l have enough that's sweet
And tumble when i'th' Barn we meet.
What thy Grandam lov'd do'st thou,
The Devil take thee else I vow.
Off then with thy stockings and shooes
And let us do what others use.
When the morning up shall call
From her nest the Hen and all
Her tender Broodlings thou and I,
Will to the Ale-House swiftly fly.
If we can't our reck'ning pay
Somthing I'l filch and steal away,
Drink off thy liquor then thy fill,
Some suckling Pig for thee I'l kill.
7. Therefore to London let us hie
O thou my sweet bewitching eye,
There wee'l rob and kiss pell-mell,
Escaping Tyburn all is well.
Lastly, The most ill-shapen ill-look'd Rogue in the whole Company, sung as followeth.
5. Canting Song.
Sung commonly at their general Randezvous, or the night before they divided themselves into Tribes or Parties, to strol the Country.
BIng out been Morts and tour and tour,
Bing out been Morts and tour,
For all your duds are bing'd awast
The been Cove hath the lour.
I met a Dell, I view'd her well,
She was benship to my watch,
So she and I did stall and cloy
Whatever we could catch.
This Doxy Dell can cut been whids,
And wap well for a win,
And prig and cloy so benshiply
All the Deuseavile within.
The boyl was up we had good luck
As well in frost as snow,
When they did seek then did we creep
And plant in Ruffmans low.
To stroling Ken the Mort bings then
To fetch lour for her cheats,
Duds and Ruffpeck romboil'd by Harmanbeck
And won by Maunders feats.
You Maunders all stow what you stall
To Rum-coves what so quire,
And wapping Dell that niggles well
And takes lour for her hire.
And Jybe well jerk'd tick rome confeck
For back by Glimmar to maund
To mill each Ken let Cove bing then
Through Ruffmans Jauge or laund.
Till Cramprings quire-tip Cove his hire
And Quire Ken do them Catch
A Canniken will quire Cuffin,
So quire to been Coves watch.
Been Darkmans then booz Mort and Ken,
The been Coves bing awast
On Chats to trine by Rum-Coves dine,
For his long lib at last.
Bing out been Morts and tour
Bing out of the Rome vile fine,
And tour the Cove that cloyd your duds
Upon the Chats to trine.
Thus in English.
GO forth brave Girls look out, look out,
Look out I say good Maids,
For all your cloaths are stoln I doubt,
And shar'd among the Blades.
I met a Drab I lik'd her well,
With whom I us'd to dally,
What goods we stole we straight did sell,
And then abroad did sally.
This bouncing Trull can finely talk,
She will do for a penny,
Through every Town which she doth walk
Fails not to filch from any.
The house being rais'd aside we step
And through the mire did wade
The Hue and Cry to shun we crept
In Hedges where we laid.
To the Brokers then my Hedg-bird flies,
For goods she brings good coin,
Which though the Constable after hies
Our tricks away purloin.
You Maunding Rogues beware how you
Do steal, for search is made,
And have a care you damned whore,
Who will not do till paid.
A Licence got with forged seal
To beg (as if undone
By fire) to break each house and steal
Ore hedg and ditch then run,
Till shackles soundly pay us home,
And to the Gaol compell us,
Hells plague the Justice heart consume,
So cruel to good fellows.
Sweet Wench, Ale-house and Beer good night,
The honest Rogues departed,
To hanging by the Justice spight
To his long home he's carted.
Away sweet Ducks with greedy eyes
From London walk up Holborn
Pursue him stole your Cloaths; he flyes
With hempen wings to Tyburn.
It now grew very late, which with the great quantity of drink made most of the company betake themselves to sleep, dropping one after another, leaving none at last but my former acquaintance and my self together, a thing I all along desired.
Being alone, prythee, said I, give me a reason why thou dost so degenerate from thy Birth and Education as to follow so lazy and so damn'd a course of life, than which their is nothing worse under the Cope of Heaven: have patience, said he, and I will endeavour your satisfaction in every thing that concerned me since my leaving the place of my nativity to this time, and that in this short relation.
An account of the notable and notorious life of a late and eminent King of the Gypsies, yet living, taken verbatim as he himself related it.
I Need not acquaint you, said he, with the passages of my life while I was a School-boy at Excester, since I know they are not unknown to you; I shall therefore inform you when I came to London to be an Apprentice, I presently imagined I should not serve my time, that strict course of life being so disagreable to my loose inclinations, and therefore from the first week I never intended to mind my trade, although you know it was as credible and reputable as most in the whole City.
I was naturally very lazy and slothful, and ever hated any thing that was Gentile, I have often rose from dinner to make an end thereof with those who beg'd at the door, and took as much delight therein as others sitting at Noble-mens Tables; so slovenly, that though my Master brush'd my coat for every day, yet he could not beat the sloving on't, nor that roguery, which being bred in the will never out of the flesh; when he saw nothing would reduce me to observe the rules of deency and civility, he took an occasion knocking late at his door to shut me out, and from thence I resolv'd never to return to him again.
All the day time I rambled up and down the out parts of the City, and being almost famish'd I roolv'd rather to beg than starve, which I did so artificially, that I got victuals enough every where; at night I found convenient bulks to lie on, it being then Mid-summer, I lay not in that manner in fear at thing cold.
I liv'd after this manner for a Month, and began to be much in love with my begging Profession, and had continued it had I not accidentally fallen into the acquaintance of a notable lazy companion like my self, whom I found sunning himself in Lincolnsin-fields. With little difficulty and less time we became intimately acquainted, and thereupon sworn brothers. We beg'd together, lay together and louz'd together, and were inseparable; it was he that taught me first to steal, and by his means first soundly whipt. For it was our custome in the close of the Evening, to beg at doors, which if we found open, we boldly enter'd, and if we espied none in the way, what was next at hand we rub'd off with; if we saw any, we straightwaies applyed our selves to our whining notes and pitiful looks, begging for Gods sake to bestow their charity on two Orphan Twins, who were both troubled with the Falling-sickness: some were so pittiful and credulous as to give their Alms, but the most (seeing us sturdy and lusty young Lads) fright'ned us away with the threats of the whiping Post, but these menaces did not scare us from our continual filching notwithstanding. But the Pitcher goes not so often to the Well but that it comes home broken at last. For one night watching at a door for an opportunity, seeing the coast clear I whipt up stairs, and happily the first thing my hands fastned on, was a Hair-Chamlet Cloak; overjoy'd with the goodness of the prize and minding not the distance of the stairs from me, I came sooner to the Stair head than I was aware of, and fell to the bottom of the stairs, making a noise like a Devil in a Drum: this unexpected misfortune did put my experienc'd Tutor and Comrade to the run, and with all so alarm'd the house, that there was no hole left for me to creep out at.
Search being made, I was found with my Cloak lying at the stair foot, not able to stir; but my merciless foes did soon put life in me by by boxing and kicking me one to another; they had done me a kindness had they kick'd me out into the street; but hold there, after all this mis-usage I was carried before a Justice, who presently sent me to Newgate.
Sessions, as good luck would have it, was at hand, otherwise, I know not how I should have lived a fortnight with a penny a day in Bread and Water: Being brought to the old Baily, I had my Tryal, and received sentence of severe whipping, which was accordingly performed, and return'd to Newgate to lie there till I had paid my fees; which was so long (having no friend to help me) that I there became intimately acquainted with the whole Gang of ROGUES, distinguished by Files, Lifts, Gilts, Budges, Runners, Heavers, &c. Who seeing how forward I was to be one of them, promised me, if ever we met abroad, they would instruct me in a trade should bring me in a livelyhood, which I found would have put me out of one, had I longer followed their instructions.
I now despair'd of coming out, and whilst I thought so, my little Tutor sent a youngster to me (for he durst not come himself, being too well known by the Keepers) who brought me more Money than would discharge my Fees, with directions where I should find him.
I instantly addrest my self to the Master-Keeper, telling him that I had a friend had sent me some money and therefore I desired to know what I was indebted and I would pay it, provided I might be discharged; he readily told me, and now we were possest with one and the same joy, that he
was freed from me, and I from him.
I was no sooner out, but I fell a running, as if I intended to run out of my wits, and never stopt till I came to my Comrade: you may imagine there was no small joy at meeting, and to wash down sorrow, we concluded to booz it rumly.
Over our Ale he recounted me all his adventures since my surprizal, and how successful he was in them all; then taking me by the hand, said, come boy ne'r be disheartned for one ill bargain I'l put thee in a way which shall recompence thy whipping.
Night approaching we did several exploits and came off well, the next day and night we continued them with the like success, and now we had got Money enough to new cloath our selves, which we did, having first unhusk'd.
What I had promised me in New-gate, I had perform'd abroad, for meeting with one of my fellow Collegiats, he was over-joy'd to see me, and especially at such a time when he could serve me; for, said he, I am now going to meet with some according to appointment, who will make Ʋs All, he might have added, Be Hanged.
Taking my Comrade I went with him, where we found a jolly company drinking after a strange rate to their good success that night; in a little time I understood their meaning; for, said one, let us cease from this excessive drinking, you know what a weighty business we are to go about, no less than fifteen hundred pound in ready Mony, besides Plate and Jewells: hereupon they were advised, and fell immediately to plotting and rightly contriving the business.
It was agreed upon, that I and my Comrade should be the Forelorne-hope, or more properly the
Perdues; for our charge was to get into this house designed to be rob'd, and abscond our selves in some obscure place and so at such an hour let in our Masters.
At first I knew not what to make of it, judging it so hazardous, that I trembled when I did but think thereon; my Comrade perceiving how timorous I was, shook me by the hand, bidding me be of good courage, he would warrant all well. Hereupon I resolv'd on the exploit and away we went together.
A little before night my Comrade had lodg'd himself, but I knew not where, and being loath to be behind hand with him, I got underneath the stairs in a hole descending into the Collar, so convenient, as if it had been made for my purpose. There was a Clock in the house, which I watchfully told and observed, and when it struck twelve (which was the fatal hour appointed) out I got and met full-but with my Comrade, who was as diligent as my self to let them in, they being ready without, enter'd and leaving us two Sentinels at Door, they mounted the Stairs, and in a trice had secured all that were in the house by Gagging and binding them; just as they were within ken of their booty; the Gentleman of the house (who had been at play and had quarrell'd with some Gentlemen,) came home attended by several Gentlemen, and guarded with a Constable and strong watch, but wondred to see two young Sentinels at his door; as soon as we saw him we betook our selves to our heels, having no time left to acquaint the rest with the present danger; the Constable seeing us run, let loose a couple of his Nighthounds, and stay'd our farther progress; in the mean time the Gentleman enter'd his house; they
within finding themselves discovered, drew, and attempted to cut their passage through; but the Constable hearing a great noise with clashing of swords, securing me and my comrade, presently ran to their assistance; and to be short secured them all, with whom we were sent to bear them Company in the Counter that night: in the morning being carried before the Justice, there was matter of fact, and proof enough to send us to Newgate; being tryed at Sessions, we were all found guilty of Burglary and accordingly received sentence of Death, which was executed accordingly, onely I and my Comrade being very young, had the benefit of Transportation.
Seven years in our exile, we did what our Masters commanded us and our time being expired, we resolv'd to return for England, but death put an end to my Comrades Voyage, however I alter'd not my resolution, but sail'd for England, where in several places I made trials to live honestly, but could not, For what is bred in the bone will never out of the flesh.
Now knowing that if ever I was taken again on any Fellonious account, I should assuredly be hang'd; and being so lazy that I hated the thought of working, I resolved to follow the life of a stroling Gypsie, into which Society I was joyfully received: I grew so good a proficient in the mysteries of this trade, that with a joint consent I was chosen at a solemn meeting, their Prince or King; and for these reasons; First, because I was young and well proportion'd; Secondly, because I was lustier and stronger than the rest; And Lastly, because I had more than common learning, and more wit than they had, put them altogether.
Now the reasons inducing me to follow this life,
were these; First, a lazy disposition; Secondly, a lecherous inclination; And Lastly, profit. As to the first, we do nothing for a livelyhood but walk up and down in Summer time, which is rather a pastime than pain; and in Winter, retire to such quarters as are suitable to the season, not stirring thence till spring. As to the second, our females are all in common among us, and though their skins be discolour'd, they have as good flesh as can be coveted by an youthful appetite. And lastly, as to profit; It is incredible to think how much we get by Fortune-telling, among the ignorant, the poor wenches being ready to pawn their Petticoats to procure us money, to tell them how fruitful they shall be, when Married; or whether William or Thomas loveth them or not: But the greatest profit we reap is from our By-blows, these Children our Morts carry at their backs are all of them Bastards, and most of them none of their own begetting; for when young Gentlewomen have trod awry, and the Fathers are not to be disgraced, the Bantlings for a good round sum are sent to us to be nursed, where they are never like to come to the knowledge of their true Parents. Here he made an end, if you shall approve of what is already written, I wil shortly inlarge my self on this subject.
CAst our Nabs and Cares away,
This is beggars Holiday,
In the world look out and see,
Where's so happy a King as he?
At the Crowning of our King,
Thus we ever dance and sing.
Where's the Nation lives so free,
And so merry as do we?
Be it peace, or be it War,
Here at liberty we are;
Hang all Harmanbecks, we cry,
And the Cuffinquiers too by.
We enjoy our ease and rest,
To the fields we are not prest.
When the Subsidy's increast,
We are not a penny ceast;
Nor are we call'd into the Town,
To be troubled with a Gown;
Nor will any go to Law
With a Beggar for a straw.
All which happiness he brags,
He doth owe unto his rags.
AN ALPHABETICAL Canting Vocabulary. Canting before the English.
A A A.
AUtem A Church
Autem Mort A Married Woman
Abram Cove A Poor Fellow
B B B.
Bluffer An Host
Bounsing-cheat A Bottle
Bughar A Dog
Boozing-ken A Tippling-house
Bord A Shilling
Bung A Purse
Been Good or well
Beenshiply Very well
Bing To go
Bing awast To go away
Bube The Pox.
As for Example,
The Mort hath tipt the Bube to the Cully. The wench hath clapt the Fellow.
Bleating-cheat A Sheep
Belly-cheat An Apron
Betty An Instrument to open a door.
Bite To cheat or cozen
As bite the Cully, that is, pu the Cheat on such a Fellow. Or the Cove was bit, The Man was cheated.
Bite the Roger Steal the Portmanteau
Budge One that steals Cloaks or ought else, slipping into an house in the dark
Brush To fly.
As the Cully is brush'd or rub'd, that is, He is march'd off, or broke.
Bulk and File The one jostles you up whilst the other picks your pocket.
Been darkmans Good night.
Blower One mans particular Wench.
Batner An Oxe
Blow off on the Groundsils. O. Q. P. on the Floar or Stairs
Blot the Skrip and jark it. To be engaged or bound for any body.
C C C.
Coker A lye
Cove, or Cuffin A Man
Cuffin-Quire A Justice of Peace
Cramprings Bolts or Shackles
Chats The Gallows
Calle or Togeman A Cloak
Couch To lie
Couch a hogshead To go to sleep
Mish or Commission A Shirt
Cackling cheat A Chicken
Crashing cheats Teeth
Cloy To Steal
Cut To Speak
Cut been whids To Speak well
Cut quire whids To Speak evilly
Canakin The Plague
Cly the jerk To be whipt
Clapperdogeon A Beggar born
Cully A Fool or Fop
Colquarron A Mans Neck
Croppinken A Privy or Boghouse
Cracker An Arse
Chaft Beaten or bang'd
Clincker A Crafty Fellow
Chap'd Dry, or Thirsty
Cackling Farts Eggs
Cobble-colter A Turky
D D D.
Deuseavile The Country
Dommerar A Mad man
Darkmans Night or Evening
Dell or Doxy A Wench
Deuswins Two pence
Dup To enter or go into an house,
As Dup the Ken, Enter the House, Dup the Boozing-Ken, and booz a gage; go into the Ale-house and drink a pot.
Deuseavile-Stampers Country Carriers
E E E.
Earnest A part or share,
As for example, Tip me my Earnest, Give me my Share or Divident.
F F F.
Flicker A Glass.
Flicker-snapt A Glass broken
Flick To Cut
As Flick me some Pannam and Cash; Cut me some Bread and Cheese
Flick the Peeter Cut the Cloak-bag
Fam-grasp the Cove To agree with an Adversary.
Filch A Staff with an hole in the end thereof, in which upon occasion, your Rogues will fasten an hook, to pull things cunningly from an Hedge, or through a Casement.
Ferme An hole
Famble-cheats Rings or Gloves
Flag A Groat
Flog To whip as in Bridewell,
As the Prancer drew the Quire Cove at the Cropping of the Rotan through the Rum pads of the Rum vile, and was flog'd by the Nubbing-Cove. That is, The Rogue was drag'd at Carts-arse, through the chief streets of London, and was soundly whipt by the Hangman.
As tip me a gage of Fogus, Give me a pipe of Tobacco.
Fencing Cully A Receiver of stoln Goods
Fib To beat,
As Fib the Coves quarrons in the rum ad for the lour in his burg. Beat the Man on the high-way for the money in his purse.
Flog'd at the Tumbler Whipt at the Carts arse.
Fence To spend
As Fence your Flag, Spend your Groat,
Floggin Cove, The whipper of Bridewell, or any other that whips people commonly called at Dublin in Ireland Bellores.
G G G.
Gropers Blind men
Grunting peck Porke
Gentry Mert A Gentlewoman
Gage A pot or pipe
Grunting chat A Sucking pig
Gigger A Door
Gybe Any writing or Pass
Glazyer One that creeps in at casements, or unrips glass windows to filch and steal.
Gilt A Picklock,
Where note that some of them are so excellent at it, that they are furnished with all sorts of Gilts or Keys, fon a Church door to the smallest Cabinet, and almost at first sight will dexterously open any door, tunk, chest, or any lock whatever.
Glym Jack A Link boy
Glym Stick A Candlestick
Gigg The Nose
As give him a rum snitch, or ichel the Gigg, that is, Fillip him on the Nose.
H H H.
Harmanbeck A Constable
Harmans The Stocks
Heave To Rob,
As Heave a Booth, To rob an house
Half bord Sixpence
Husky lour A Guinny
Hog A Shilling,
As for Example;
You Darkman-budge, will you fence your hog with me, at the next Boozing Ken. That is, d'ye hear you House-creeper, will you spend your shilling with me, at the next Alehouse.
Hoodwinkt Beneghted or belated
Heaver A Breast
I I I.
Jague A ditch
Jark A Seal
Jokum gage A Chamber pot
Job A Guinny
K K K.
Ken An house
Kinchin A little child
Kinchin Cove A little man
Kidnapper A fellow that walketh the streets, and takes all advantages to pick up the younger sort of people, whom with lies and many fair promises he inticeth on board a ship and transports them into forreign plantations.
L L L.
Lightmans Day, or Day-break
Libben A private dwelling house
Libbedge A bed
Lurries All manner of cloaths
Lifter, or Plyer A Crutch.
M M M.
Mow heater A Drover
Mower A Cow
Mish topper A Coate
Maund To beg
Margry Prater An Hen
Mill To Steal
Make An half peny
Muffling cheat A Napkin
Mumpers Gentile Beggars, Such as will not accept of Victuals, but money or cloaths, and these beg under the pretence of being decay'd Gentlemen, Tradesmen, or such who have been burn'd out or shipwrack'd
Milken An house breaker
Muns The Face,
As tout his Muns, Mark his face well
Moon Cuser A Link boy
Marinated Transported into some sorreign Plantation.
N N N.
Nabgirder A Bridle
Nubbing Ken The Sessions house
Neck stamper A Pot-boy
Napper of Naps A Sheep-stealer
Nab An Head
Nab-cheat An Hat
Nap To take, or cheat with the Dice, that is, by certainly securing one chance.
Naskin A Goal, or Bridewell
Nazie Cove A Drunkard
Nizie A Fool or Coxcomb
Nub The Neck
Nubbing Cove The Hangman
Nubbing cheat The Gallows
O O O.
Old Mr Gory A piece of Gold
P P P.
Panter An heart
Prig-star A Rival in love
Palliard One whose Father is a born Beggar
Papplar Milk pottage
Prigg To Ride
Priggers of Prancers Horse-stealers
Priggs Are all sort of Thieves
Peck or Peckidg Any sort of meat
Plant To lay, place, or hide
Prancer An horse
Prating cheat A Tongue
Peak Any lace
Pike To run
As Pie on the been, Run for it as fast as you can.
Peeter A portmantle
Pad The high-way
Plant your whids, and stow them, Be careful what you say or speak
Prig-napper. A Horse-stealer
Peeper A Looking glass,
As track the Dancers and pikes with the Peeper, Go up the stairs and trip off with the Looking-glass.
Peeping Drowsie, or Sleepy
Q Q Q.
Quarron A Body
Quacking cheat A Duck
Queer Base or roguish
Queer Ken A Prison
Queer Mert A pockie Baggage
Queer Cove A Rogue
R R R,
Rum gutlers Canary wine,
As Rum hopper, tip us presently a Bounsing cheat of Rum gutlers; Drawer fill us presently a bottle of the best Canary.
Rum dropper A Vintner
Rarling Cove A Coatchman
Rum glimmar King of the Link boys
Rumboyle A Ward or Watch
Rum Vile London.
Ruffin The Devil,
As the Ruffin nap the Cuffin-quier, and let the Harmanbeck trine with his Kinchins about his Colquarron; That is, Let the Devil take the Justice, and let the Constable hang with his children about his neck.
Rum boozing Welts A bunch of Grapes
Roger A Cloak-bag
Ridgcully A Goldsmith
Ruffler A notorious Rogue
Ruff peck Bacon
Redshank A Mallard
Rum pad The highway
Rum Padders The better sort of Highway men.
Rum Cully A rich Coxcomb
Ratling Mumpers Such who onely beg at Coaches.
Romboyl'd Sought after with a Warrant
Rum hopper A Drawer
S S S.
Squeeker A Bar-boy
Smacking Cove Coachman
Scout A Watch
Swag A Shop
Smudge One that lies underneath a bed, to watch an opportunity to rob the house.
Shoplift One that filcheth Commodities out of a Shop, under the pretence of cheapning or buying them of the Shop-keeper.
Scoure To wear
Skew A Dish
Slate A Sheet
Skipper A Barnel
Shoulder sham Partner to a File
Stam flesh To Cant;
As the Cully Stams flesh rumly; He Cants very well
Stow your whids Be wary
Stalling Ken A Brokers shop, or an house that will recive stoln goods.
Smelling cheat A Garden or Nosegay
Salomon The Mass
Stow your Whids and plant 'em, for the Cove of the Ken can cant 'em, Have a care what you say, the Man of the House understands you.
Smiter An Arm
Stall whimper A Bastard
As the Cully did freely blot the Skrip, and so tipt me forty Hogs; that is, One enter'd into bond with me for forty shillings.
Touting Ken A Tavern Bar
Tour To look out
Track up the Dancers Go up the Stairs
The Cul Snilches The man eyes you
Tip the cole to Adam Tiler Give your pick-pocket money presently to your running Comrade.
Tip the Mish Give the Shirt
Tib of the buttery A Goose
Tip To give
Trine To hang: or Tyburn
Tick-rum A Licence
Tres wins Three pence
Toppin Cove The Hangman
Tumbler A Cart
Topping cheat The Gallows
Win A penny
Wicher-cully A Silver-smith
As five Rum padders are rub'd in the darkmans out of the Whit, and are pik'd into the Deuseavile: Five Highway men in the night broke Newgate, and are gone into the Country.
Witcher bubber A Silver Bowl;
As for example, The Cull is pik'd with the Witcher bubber; The Rogue is March'd off with the Silver Bowl.
Witcher-tilter A Silver-hilted sword
Wicket A Casement;
As tout through the Wicket, and see where a Cully pikes with his Gentry Mort, whose Muns are the rummest I ever touted before: Look through the Casement, and see where the man walks with a Gentlewoman, whose face is the fairest I have ever seen.
AN ALPHABETICAL Canting Dictionary. English before the Canting.
A Curious wench Rum Mort
An Apron Belly cheat
An Instrument to break a door Betty
A part or share Earnest
An hole Ferm
A Groat Flag
A Receiver of stoln goods Fencing Cully
A fine Gentlewoman Gentry-Mort
A Door Gigger
Any writing or Pass Gybe
A Guiny, or Job Huskie lour
A Little child Kinchin
A Little man Kinchin Cove
A private dwelling house Libben
All manner of cloaths Lurries
All sorts of Thieves Priggs
Any sort of meat Peck or Peckidge
Any Lace Peak
A notorious Rogue Ruffler
An Arm Smiter
An Arse Cracker
Agree with a man Famgrasp the Cove
Angry Glim flashy
B B B.
Beadle of Bridewell Floging Cove
Beggar born Clapperdogeon
Boghouse or Privy Croppinken
Bottle Bounsing ckeat
Be careful of what you say Stow your whids and plant 'em
Bolts or Shackles Cramprings
Base or Roguish Queer
Bacon Ruff peck
Broker Fencing Cully
Blind men Gropers
Bar of an Alehouse or Tavern. Touting Ken
Be wary Stow your whids
Brokers shop Stallen-ken
C C C.
Coach-beggars Ratling Mumpers
Cloak-bag Roger or Peeter
Chamber pot Jockum-gage.
Candle stick Glym-stick
Cut the Cloak-bag Flick the Peeter
Clusters of Grapes Rum-boozing Welts
Carriers Deuseavile Stampers
Crutch Lifter or Plyer
Copulate Wap or Jockum cloy
Crafty fellow Clincher
Cheese Cash or Cassan
Cloak Calle or Togeman
Cheat or cuzen Bite
D D D.
Drawers of Wine Rum hoppers
Day, or Day-break Lightmans
Dry or thirsty Chapt
E E E.
Enter or go into an house Dup
Eyes Ogles or Glaziers
Ends of Gold and Silver Spangles
F F F.
Fellows that pick up people for transportation commonly called Spirits Kidnappers
Fool or Coxcomb Nizie
Fly or run Bresh
Fop, or one that may easily be wrought upon Cully
G G G.
Gentile Beggars Mumpers
Garden or Nosegay Smelling cheat
Goes up the Stairs Track up the Dancers
Gallows Topping cheat
Glass broken Flicker snapt.
H H H.
High-way Topping Cove
High-way-men Rum pad
Horse Rum padders
Hat Nab cheat
Hostess S pouch
Ingage Blot the Skrip.
King of the Link-boys Rum glimmer
Knavery Queer topping
Link-boy Moon-curser, or Glym-Jack
Look through the Casement Tout through the Wicker
Married Woman Autem-Mort
Night or Evening Darkman
One that slips into an house in the dark and steals what he can lay hands on Budge
One that creeps in at Casements and lets in others to rob the house Glazier
One that filcheth commodities out of a shop under the pretence of Cheapning or Buying Shoplift
One that lieth underneath a bed, or in some other covert place to watch an opportunity to rob the house Snudge
One whose father is born a Begger Palliard
O Q P on the stairs Blow off on the Groundsll
Pork Grunting peck
Partners to Files Shoulder-shams
Peice of old Gold Old Mr. Gory
Prison Queer Ken
Pot or Pipe Gage
Poor Fellow Abram Cove
Rings or Gloves Famble cheats
Rich Coxcomb Rum Cully
Rogue Queer Cove.
S S S.
Shilling Bord or Hog
Sheep Bleating cheats
Steal the Portmantue Bite the Roger
Sucking Pig Grunting cheat
Sixpence Half a Hog
Silver bowl Witcher-bubber
Stockings Stock drawers
Sought after with a warrant Romboyld
Sheep-stealer Napper of Naps
Steal Mill or Cloy
Teeth Crushing cheats
To lye Couch
To go to sleep Couch a Hog shead
To speak well Cut ben whids
To speak ill Cut queer whids
To be whipt Cly the Jerk
Two penbe Deuswins
Three pence Treswins
To take Tobacco Raise a cloud
To beat Fib
To spend or lay out Fence
To rob an house Heave a Booth
To tumble together Lib
To lay place or hide Plant
Tongue Prating cheat
To rune away Pikes
To wear Scour
To look out Tour
To hang Trine
The Sessions-house Nubbing Ken
Our Canting Alphabet will not extend a Letter farther then T, as far as I can find out; not knowing any Canting word beginning with Ʋ, X, Y, Z, although I have made a strict inquiry from some of the most notorious Professors hereof: I have consulted likewise what is printed on this subject, and have slighted no help I could gather from thence, which indeed is very little; the greatest assistance I had in this discovery, was from Newgate; which with much difficulty I screw'd out of the sullen Rogues, who would not speak a word till I had suppled their tongues with the oil of Barley, or rather thaw'd their obstinate silence with the heat of strong Liquors.
From these I understood, that the Mode of Canting alter'd very often, and that they were forced to change frequently those material words which chiefly discovered their mysterious practices and
Villanies, least growing too common their own words should betray them.
Here in this Vocabulary or little Canting Dictionary, You have all or most of the old words which are still in use, and a many new never pubblished in print, and but very lately minted, such too which have passed the approbation of the Critical Canter. If I seem deficient in the quantity of words, let some else supply my defects, having collected words sufficiently enough for one, if you will have more, take the pains which I have done to be supplyed, and in the mean time be content with what is gathered to your hands.
A Character or Description of the Roguish Professors of that mysterious and Diabolical Gibberish called Canting.
UNdoubtedly there were Rogues and Villains before ever this speech was invented, for whilst the world was in swadling cloaths, we read of men that acted very horrid and vile pranks, such as for their infamy are so registred, as never to be forgotten whilst the world indures; and since evil example is more prevalent then good Precept, who knows but the wicked seeds of their lewd actions have been transimitted to posterity, by which means we have such an infinite increase of all manner of Villany, the Actors whereof I verily believe are much more notorious then heretofore, showing much more ingenuity in their Roguery than in imes past.
I shall begin to speak of the first I have read of, which were the Founders or first publick Professors of Canting, and I find their names male, thus recorded.
An Ʋpright Man
A Prigger of Prancers
A Quire Bird
An Abram Man
An Irish Toyl
A Kinchin Cove
Of all which according to the best light I have received, I shall endeavour to give you an account; the first that falls in my way, is
The Ʋpright Man.
THis was a name antiently used for the Principal of this Stroling, Maunding and Prigging Crew, and he was elective; when this Upright man dyed (which was seldome otherwise then on the Gallows,) then all of this cursed Fraternity meant an appointed place, and their chose the lustiest stoutest Rogue in the whole pack, to be their chief Leader, whom they called Upright man; and as the Women loved him for his great limbs, whose bodies must be at his devotion when ever he
uncontroulably, so the Men had him in particular esteem, in that he was more a Rogue than any, and could when he sate as President of their Coursel, in great extremity, direct them best how to secure themselves from Justices, Constables, and other Officers; and find out, and contrive notorious plots how they might abse the Country by filching and stealing, to the further continuance of their loathsome Bestiality; This fellow carries a shor Truncheon in his hand, which he calls his Filchman; whatsoever is gotten by the whole Society he shares in it.
This Upright man shall sometimes have in company with him, young and old, males and females, to the number of forty and upwards, and for the ease of some of the women and children, shall have an Ass or two, or some poor Jade which shall carry a pair of Panniers for the women as they grow weary by travail to put their children in them, which smell more rank then stale fish in Summer time coming from Yarmouth to Norwich in a pair of Dossers.
Some of the Gang are very dly clad with bells, and long sticks with ribbonds hanging at the end angling, with many other mad contrived toyes, meerly to draw the Country people about them wherever they came, and by pretending to tell Forunes get some mony of the foolish, by way of gift, and some by picing of pockets.
To be sure wherever they came, the poultry and sucking pigs went to wrack, neither did Lambs, Sheep, and Calves escape their hands, if they had any convenience to effect their purpose; all which they handle more severely than a Malefactor having broke Prison and retaken by the Keeper of Newgate.
If a Goose come among hem, they have a trick to make him so wife, as never to be taken for a Goose again. Having seized the Prey, they leave the bloody part to be acted by their Morts or Women; who are so accustomed to nastiness, that when they have drest their Geese and Hens as well as possibly they can, you may then swear those Birds are foul. The end of some large Heath or Fir-bush, Common under some Covert, as an Hedge or so forth is their Rendezvouz, where having supt after their fashion, a consultation is had how to lie that night, if in the height in the fields or in Hay time under an Hay-cock distributing themselves every one with his Mort as he thinks most convenient; if it be at the latter end of summer, to avoid cold dews and now and then rain, they then apply themselves to some outlying Barn, and if the owner should discover them he is fearful of molesting them, lest they do him a greater mischief, by making his straw-thatcht Mansion too hot to hold him: and now by the way give me leave to tell you a Notable story, very pertinent to this purpose.
A Crew of Gypsies continuing for some time about one Town in Glocestershire, but divided in the day, though united in the night, all congregated to one appointed place, which was a convenient Barn for their purpose, about an half mile from this Town: Hither they resorted night after night, and in the morning still early got up and separated themselves, looking the Barnes door by the same art they unlock'd it.
This Gentlemans Threshers wonder'd still when they came to see the sheafs of Corn so disorder'd and flung here and there, and in the strangest confusion imaginable; at first they suspected this disorder
hapned by their own negligence or forgetfulness, but finding it so for a continued time; they resolved to acquaint their Master with what they had observed. The Master being informed of what had hapned, would not believe his servants till he had experimented the truth thereof himself; and thereupon goes to his Barn with his two servants, and there caused them to place before his eyes every sheaf in good order, and so locking the door went home; the next morning he calls up his Threshers and away he went to the Barn, and there found the sheafs tumbled and scatter'd up and down, as his men had told him; he very much wonder'd how this should be done, and his Barn door locked; however, he was resolved to try once more, and so caused the sheafs to be placed in order as formerly, and as formerly he found them the fecond time so disorder'd, any, the third and fourth time; this somwhat startled him, and coming home, concluded some evil spirit owed him a spight, in thus disordering and spoiling his Corn: The Threshers hearing their Masters judgment of this accident, on the morrow following, instead of going to thresh, their Master coming down from his chamber, finds his men gazing one upon the other in his Hall, whereas he thought they were at the Barn, and demanding the reason hereof; they freely told him, that since they understood from his own Mouth that he believed the Devil haunted the Barn, the Devil should take the Barn ere they would be so mad to bear him Company; The Gentleman smiled at their ridiculous fears; and to depose them utterly of any such belief, produced several good arguments, that it could not be, and so prevalent they were, as to perswade them to go to the Barn, with this proviso, he would go with
them and stay there an hour, agreed it was and away they went, where as before they found all things in the like disorder, this made the poor fellows scratch the head, not knowing what was best to be done; at length the Master incouraging them, to work they went the Master standing by his full hour and so went home; he was scarce got within the doors but his men at his heels, and so out of breath that they gaped for air to keep them alive, like a fish out of his proper Element.
The Gentleman seeing them in this strange posture began to be in as much amazement as they were; the good Gentlewoman his Wife coming out accidentally, and seeing the Husband and his two men in this gaping staring posture, knew not what to think, but concluded them mad or possest by some foul fiend, till she asked one of them what he made there; Why forsooth (quoth he) you would not believe our Barn was haunted, but now I will swear it, for if ever any body saw the Devil I am sure we did, I was never scared so in my life with a broad face, a crooked nose and a pair of Goggle eyes. It seems as soon as their Master was gone, a very large dark gray Owle that sate upon a Beam just over against them, was upon the merry pin, or had a mind to be merily disposed, sell a hooting and hollowing after a very extravagant rate, sometimes hissing; sometimes snapping, and (I know not what joyful crochet got into his noddle) then fell to a loud hooping; the men that before thresht in fear, were now scared out of their wits, 'twas enough for them they saw a blackish thing with a broad glouting Countenance, sitting on a Beam, hooting at them, which made them thus betake themselves to their heels, each of them bidding the Devil take the hindmost.
The report of these fellows alarm'd the Town, possessing many with a belief that this might be a truth as to the haunting the Barn. A bold fellow in the Town, and one that had been a Trumpeter, makes his address to the owner of the Barn, desiring his leave to lie in the Barn one night; it was granted by the Gentleman with thanks; and the Trumpeter went that very night to the Barn with his Trumpet, and locking the Barn to him, placed himself in a corner thereof convenient for his observation.
About the usual time of these Gypsies repairing to the Barn, which was somewhat late, they came and enter'd the Barn, every one endeavouring to settle himself as well as he could; the Trumpeter seeing this, resolv'd to try whether they were Devils or no by their dislike to Musick, and thereupon sounded his Trumpet, at the sound whereof, out ran the Gypsies as the Devil had drove them, and the Trumpeter after sounding, the people there about ran out to know what was the matter that a Trumpet should be sounded at that time of night; the Trumpeter informed them that he had conjured the Devils out of the Barn they had so haunted, and that they might now dispose of them as they pleased, whereupon they seized as many as they could and securing them till next morning, by a Justice they were order'd to be whipt out of Town: thus with my story I have ended my discourse concerning an Ʋprightman; the next we are to take cognizance of, is
A Ruffler ever goes under the pretence of a maimed Soldier, if he stroles the Country, he lets not a Gentlemans house escape, having a Catalogue of them all along as he goeth for his more convenient calling upon them, he carrieth in his pocket (for the help of his memory) a List of the old Commanders in the late Civil Wars which were noted Royalists, neither is he ignorant of some of their brave actions; he singles out the Heirs of such deceased Commanders, and then tells them a formal story, that they had the honor to serve under the Command of their worthy Father in such a Regiment, at such a fight, as Naseby, Edghill, Newberry, Marston-Moor, &c. that in that service he was lamed, that he hath since suffered all the misfortunes of an old Cavalier, and that being unable to work, he is now forced to beg because he scorns to steal; and thus he goeth from one to another, having a good tongue in his head, and his tale at his fingers ends: but by the way, if he meets Country people coming late from Market, or any other feasable booty, he will not stick to seise it, though he be hanged for his pains; and thus the Ruffler is metamorphosed into a Low-Pad.
If his residence be in the City, then his usual stands are in Lincolns-Inn-Fields or Covent Garden, where he scorns to beg of any under a person of quality, and then nimbly hops or stumps to a Coach side, beseeching their Honors to commiserate the pittiful condition of a great sufferer for his
Majesty, and hath the impudence in a commanding way to crave an Alms, if he is denied, he shakes the head and crys, 'Tis a sad thing that an old cripled Cavalier should be suffer'd to beg for a Maintenance, and a young Cavalier that never heard the whistle of a bullet should ride in his Coach.
If he seeth a Gentleman coming that is his constant customer, he very civilly vaileth his bonnet, without asking a Farthing, and this stops my Gentleman more forceably than all the important prayers of a wide mouthed clamorous mendicant; having received his boon, he pronounceth as many blessings as will stand between Temple-Bar and Westminster; for the cunning Rogue knoweth this to be the way to incourage him the more to a contribution hereafter.
I have been credibly informed that these Covent-Garden Rufflers have their Quarter Customers, and will never call on their Benefactors till their full time of payment be expired, and then wherever they meet them, they will not let them be quiet till they have discharged that which by custome they claim as a due debt: these Rogues get a great deal of money, and some of them spend it as freely, as for example, I knew a Gentleman a good Benefactor to one of these Rufflers who had been at Speerings Ordinary, and having lost all his money, going home one Saturday in the Evening, was accosted by his Pentioner, a subtle Ruffler, who perceiving his Masters countenance somwhat cloudy, ask'd him boldly what was the matter with him; the Gentleman slighting his question, bid him be gone for a saucy fellow; nay, be not angry, quoth the Ruffler, you have been at play I will lay my life on't and lost your Money that you are so pettish; what then, said the Gentleman? What then, quoth the
Ruffler, why never trouble your self, I will lend you fifty pieces, if you will come and dine with me to morrow.
This strangely surprized the Gentleman, who to try the truth of what he heard, promis'd him, he would dine with him: according to the time and place appointed by the Ruffler, the Gentleman came; the house was very poor to outward view, but within very neat and handsome, a cloath was spread, but could not perceive the least spark of fire whereby any meat could be dressed; whilst he was musing to himself on the entertainment he was like to have, in came the Wife with a large Sir-Loyn of Beef, the Son with two Stubble Geese in a dish, the Daughter with a stately Turky, and a Servant Maid with a very large Tart; look you Sir, said the Ruffler, this is all the cheat you are like to have, wherefore fall to; the Gentleman had much a doe, to perswade the Father, the Daughter should sit down, but with much importunity it was granted: I heard him say, though his appetite was as keen as a Turkish Scymiter, yet he forgot to eat, his mind running on other flesh, such as he protested exceeded, in his opinion, all that he had ever seen before, such was this Maidens beauty, not set off with any artificial imbellishments, but naturally shining in its own Orb; and least her person should be despised, by reason of the baseness of her Fathers profession, she was Gentilely clad, but better adorn'd within with the most approved principles of a good education, befitting so good a Genius. Wine both French and Spanish was not wanting; and Dinner being ended, to be as good as his word or better, the Ruffler lent the Gentleman fifty Guynnyes, on this condition, he would not divulge the kindness received.
There is a story somwhat like this of the blind Beggar of Bednall-Green, but how true I cannot tell, but this relation carrieth so much of truth in it, that thereon I will pawn my reputation.
ANglers are so called, because they have a Rod or Stick with an Iron hook at the end of it, with which they Angle in the night at Windows or any other place in which they cannot convey their hand, where all is fish to them that comes to net; in the day time they beg from house to house to spy best where to plant their designs, which at night they put in execution; I shall speak more of this Angler when I come to Discourse of the Runner.
THe very name of Rogue denotes the nature; it is a general title, and appertains to all such who are of dissolute lives and conversations; such who scorning both the Laws of God and man, care not what they act or perpetrate, so they may add to the increase of their sensuality and beastly manner of living. Any criminal whose actions are cognizable by the Law may come under the denomination of a Rogue, as Gilts, Shoplifts, Files, Bulkers, Runners, Padders, Booth-heavers, Vouchers and the like.
All these have their particular Societies, and Confederacies, and they are so linked together that they seldome seperate till they hang together. If one be in Prison the rest relieve him, wherefore they seldome discover one another, for they are sworn, if one is taken not to betray the rest; and this Oath they keep inviolably, though all others they break. They have their several Wenches, and several places of meeting, where whatsoever they unlawfully obtain they spend, and whatsoever they spend is to satisfie their unsatisfied lust; wallowing in all manner of debauchery, converting the night into day and the day into night, damning and sinking being four parts in five their discourse; and the rest of their pastime, drinking and whoring. Their company is dangerous, their lives detestable, and their ends miserable.
THis term or appellation is obsolete, and now a days not in use. Wild Rogues were formerly such who were begotten by very Rogues, such who had been burnt in the hand or shoulder, or been whipt at the Carts arse, whose Mothers had been frequent in Bride-well, and oftner in Newgate: these in their swadling clouts are marked for Villains; and are then taught all manner of Roguery as other children are taught to read.
First, To go into Churches or great Crowds and to nim golden buttons off mens Cloaks, and being very little are show'd how to creep into Cellar-Windows, or other small entrances, and in the night to convey out thereat whatever they can find, to the thieyish Receivers, who wait without for that purpose; and somtimes do open the door to let in such who have designed to rob the house; if taken, the tendernes of their age makes an apology or an excuse for their fault, and so are let alone to be hang'd at riper years.
Priggers of Prancers.
PRiggers of Prancers, are Horse-stealers; for Prig is to Steal, and Prancer is an Horse; these Rogues seldome go without a light Briddle in their pockets, and a small pad Saddle, which they can easily carry in their breeches, and being inform'd by their Spies abroad where good horses run at Grass, in the dead of the night will take them up in a moment, and will as soon steal an Horse as another look over the Hedg. If they fear to be discovered by the Field-keeper, then two or three of them will go together and boldly attack him, and having worsted him, bind and gag him, and so effect their purpose, and will be far enough off, by break of day, from being overtaken; the nearest Fair is then inquir'd after, where with all imaginable speed they sell their stoln Horses.
I have heard of some of these Priggers of Prancers that have been such notable Artists, as that they could change the colour of an Horses Cote, or make an artificial star in an Horses forehead, which should last a considerable while, by which means the eyes of the right Owner have been so blinded, that he knew not his own Horse when he saw him: Nay, when they have been confident that they have found their stoln Horse, and by several remarkable tokens are assured thereof; yet the artificial star in the forehead hath immediately spoiled that belief; and so have seen their own Horses sold before their own faces and toled, having always some notorious Rogue as himself to vouch for him. This puts me in mind of a notable Story of a Serving-man,
who was pickt up by a pack of Rogues in the stteets and drilled into a Tavern, where having drank very high, they all took an opportunity to leave the Serving man for the Reckoning; this poor man finding himself pawn'd. and not having so much money to discharge the reckoning, watcht his opportunity, and so gave the house the slip also; three days after his Master appointed a dinner at this very Tavern, his man used all the argument he could for to divert him from it, alledging there was bad Wine, ill Attendance, and the like; but all would not prevail, but that thither he went according to the appointed time; Dinner being on the Table, the Master of the House was invited up for the sake of his good company, being a very jolly and facetious man, at whose approach the Serving-man knew not what to do. and had but one slender shift to keep him from being discovered, which he did by shutting one of his eyes as if he had been blind, and so continued keeping it shut whilst he serv'd at table; the Vintner stared him so much in the face that his Master took notice thereof, and askt him why he gazed so much on his man; your pardon Sir, said the Vintner, if I say that your man is as like a fellow that cheated me of an eighteen shilling reckoning as ever I saw in my life, and I would swear that he is the same but that this wants an eye, and the other had his sight perfect. At this the Master askt his man how he came to be thus suddenly blind, having lost an eye in less than an hours time; at which the man replied, being a notable crafty fellow, that if his Master would be pleased to forgive him, he would tell him the whole truth; his Master granted it, and hereupon the Serving-man inform'd him, how he had been deluded by a pack of Knaves, and how to secure himself,
was forced to make his escape; that to conceal himself from the Vintners knowledg he had found out that stratagem of winking with one eye; the Master was so well pleased with the story, that he pay'd the Vintner what was left to pay, and the Vintner was so well pleased to have reocived a debt so desperate, that he gave the Serving-man a crown, to help to open his eye again.
But our Priggers Metamorphosing of beasts is much more undiscoverable, by which means they frequently steal and safely sell other mens Horses; but let them have a care; the pitcher goes not so often to the well, but that it comes home broken at last.
Of Palliards or Clapperdogeons.
THese Palliards or Clapperdogeons are Beggars born, who have their Morts in the streets, with children, either of their own, or borrowed ones, lying about them on straw; and in this manner they beg, and with these they beg, extracting thereby the greater pitty; these jades know how to screw their faces into what pittiful posture they please, and have melting words at their fingers ends; as For Gods sake bestow your Charity on these poor Fatherless Children; My Husband was kill'd at Sea, and I being sick and unable to work, am ready to starve, with these poor Infants; by these and the like expressions, with the cryes of the children, which she forceth them to, by pinching or otherwise, she picks up a great deal of money, whilst he:
Comrogue lies begging in the fields with Clymes r artificial Sores. The way they commonly take to make them is by Spere-wort or Arsnick, which will draw blisters; or they take unslaked Lime and Soap, mingled with the rust of old Iron, these being well tempered together, and spread thick on two pieces of leather, they apply to the leg, binding it thereunto very hard, which in a very little time will fret the skin so, that the flesh will appear all raw, then they take blood and rub it over the leg, which being fully dried makes the leg appear black, letting the seeming sore peep out of some holes out of the Matterish clouts that are wrapt about it.
I saw a fellow not long since sitting by the road side, on a Mudwall in the way to Islington (this was his constant stand on Sabbath days, there being at that time the greatest concourse of people if the Weather be fair) I say this fellow had one hand tied up in a white cloath, and pinned to his breast, his cloaths were indifferent good, but had a better face by much, I mean an honest harmless look, and seemed so bashful and modest that he beg'd of none but with his pale face and pittiful looks: and this way of begging prov'd more prevalent then the bawling of two or thre fellows that lay a little above him on the ground, with grievious sore legs, seemingly not able to stand or go of them.
I observ'd this fellow several times in this very place, not imagining this silent Counterfeit was of the Society of those clamorous Rogues who lay nigh him, till one day having an occasion to go o ver to the bank-side, in a Garden house, there did I see this lame handed fellow with the other confederate Cripples playing at Nine pins as nimble as a Squirrel in a Bell-Cage.
I took no notice of them at that time, no more then what my ears suffer'd by the hideous din of their execrable Oaths; not being longer able to be near them, I return'd home, resolving to take the first opportunity to detect these Rogues. Wherefore I went with two or three more to the place according to the usual time where these Beggars took up their stand to beg, and approaching my modest silent Mumper, I askt him what ailed his hand, or how he came by that lameness? To tell you the truth Sir, said he, I am a poor Translator, or Cobler commonly called, and one day it was my mischance, (and then the tears stood in his eyes) as I was working, to run the Awl quite through my hand; neglecting it, it fester'd, so that now it is in a sad condition, and not being able to work, I am ready to starve, having sold all my little stock already, either to cure my hand, or maintain my self, but now all is gone. Alas poor man, said It let me see your hand for I am a Chyrurgeon. O Sir, cry'd the fellow, I shall die instantly if you open ie. Hereupon I grasped his pretended sore hand very hard, and told him I would see it; at which he roar'd as if he had been on the Dutch Rack at Amboyna; which noise gathered abundance of people about us, and every one condemning my hardheartedness, till I told them what a cheat he was, and bid them if they would nor credit me, yet believe their own eyes, and so opened his hand, which was sound and not hurt in the least. Now good people secure this fellow, and you shall see I will discover more of the Gang yonder; the Cripples that lay a little way off hearing me say so, got up, and prov'd such excellent footmen, notwithstanding their pretended lameness, that though several followed them, yet none could come nigh them; which caused so great a laughter, with shooting,
that one would have thought the People half distracted. This fellow whom I had caused to be secured was carried before a Justice, and from thence to Bridewell, where he received the severe lash for his abominable hypocrisie.
A Story much like this I have heard of, done in Dorsetshire. Once a year at a place called Woodberry-hill, on the top thereof is kept a Fair, and because it is somewhat considerable, thither resort the Beggars all round the Country, lying at the bottom of the hill begging in heaps. An arch Crack that had observed what counterfeit Rogues the major part of these were, went to the top of the hill, and unpinning a wheel took it off and brought it to the brow of the Hill, which was very high and indifferently steep, and crying out to the Beggars below, have at ye blind Harpers, lets the Wheel go, hereupon the Counterfeit cut the strings to their counterfeit lame legs, and ran for it, and those that had not the time for it, roled one over other, and by this confusion (which was the most pleasant and comical sight could be seen) their Knavery was discovered losing the benefit of that present Fair, and many more afterwards. More might be said of the Clapperdogeon, but let this suffice.
FRaters are such, who with a Counterfeit Patent, beg for some Hospital or Spittle-house, or they are such who pretend to have Patents for Briefs, and have hereby within these few years, most intollerably cheated the Country, and in the conclusion have brought their heads to the Pillory.
Of Quire Birds.
QƲire Birds are such who have sung in the With, the Naskin; that is, Newgate, Bridewell, or some Country Goal, who having got loose fall to their old trade of Roguing and Thieving again, for indeed when once their hand is in, they seldome give out, till they overtake the Gallows.
Of Abram Men.
ABram Men are otherwise called Tom of Bedlams; they are very strangely and antickly garb'd with several coloured Ritbnds or Tape in their hat, it may be instead of a Feather, a Fox tail hanging down a long stick with ribbonds streaming and the like; yet for all their seeming madness, they have wit enough to steal Poultry as they go, and will have his change of Wenches, oftner than people change their Linnen.
Of Whip Jacks.
WHip-Jacks are Counterfeit Mariners, who talk of nothing but Fights at Sea, Pyracies, Drownings, and Shipwracks; they have alwaies a Counterfeit Pass or License which they call a Gybe, and the Seals thereunto Jarkes; under this pretence they strole the Country, begging as they go, possessing the People with strange beliefs of their great losses, and that they onely beg to supply their necessities in their way home; and for their own certain supply, they will not stick to heave a Booth; that is rob a Booth at a Fair, or in some by road rob an house, playing other very notorious prankes. These Rogues have learned their Sea terms by which they have cheated such as have been very expert in Sea-affairs, The Whip-Jack
carrieh his Mort or Wench with him too, which he pr to be his Wife, whom he miraculously saved in th Ship-wrack, although all his children were drown'd splitting on a Rock near the Lands end coming from the West-Indies with such like forgeries; but I have known these discovered too, to be cheats, and being brought to the Whipping post have been severely lasht for their pains.
MƲmpers are both Male and Female, a Gentiler sort of Beggars, for they scorn to beg for food, but money or cloaths, the money they lay out to pamper the gut, and the cloaths they sell to reimburse the pocket.
The Male Mumper in the times of the late Usurpation, was cloathed in an old trn Cassock begirt with a girdle, with a black cap, and a white one peeping out underneath; with a formal & countenance he steals up to a Gentleman and whispers him softly in the ear, that he is a poor sequestred Parson, that he hath four small children with a siek wife, all ready to perish.
Sometimes he appaared in the habit of some decayed Gentleman, and then he pretends what a great sufferer he hath been for his Majesty, but lately come our of Gaol, and not a penny to help himself.
Sometimes he appears with an apron before him, and a cap on his head, and begs in the rature of a Broken Tradesman, who having been a ong time
sick, hath spent all his remaining stock, and so weak he cannot work.
The Female Mumpers, with a torn black hood and scarfe, will go confidently to an house, and knock at the door, demanding to speak with the Mistress of the house, where after an Apology made for her boldness, she acquaints her how urgent her necessity is; having an husband very sick, with two small children, ready to give up the Ghost; that she was born a Gentlewoman, but marrying against her friends consent, she was by them thrown off and disowned, and so by her husbands sikness reduced to this miserable condition.
Sometimes she appears as if big with child, and so begs cloaths or linnen to make clouts: She is very busie in the Palace-Yad in Terme-time; but if she be young, tollerably handsome, and she find Charity grow cold, she will endeavour to repair her pretended misfortune by night-walking.
There is yet one gentiler sort of Mumper than any yet named, of which qualification I never knew but two; these had their horses, and agreed between themselves as to their particular tidings. Their business was to inquire out among Book-sellers small Treatises not long printed, yet unsaleable, of which they would buy a quantity of a sort for waste paper or little more, and having drawn up or caus'd to be drawn, a general Epistle Dedicatory, they left space at top to insert the name and dignities of the Person they intended to dedicate the book unto, carrying Letters and Ink with them, which they speedily did print, and tollerably e¦nough for that purpose; the Epistle was printed before, so that they need add nothing but the name and dignities. I have heard them confess they had from the meanest Donor, thrice the value of what
the book was sold for at first, and most commonly six-fold. Their travelling time was in the Summer, wherein they got so much to keep them drunk all the Winter, but they being deceased, I believe the Trade dyed with them.
Dommerars or Dummerars, are such who counterfeit themselves dumb, and have a notable art to rowl their tongues up into the roof of their mouths, that you would verily believe their tongues were cut out, and to make you have the stronger belief thereof, they will gape and show you where it was done, clapping in a sharp stick, and touching the tongue make it bleed, and then the ignorant dispute it no farther.
Jack-men are such who can both write and read, who make counterfeit Licenses and Passes, for which he is well rewarded for his labour and pains.
PAtrico's are the Strolers Priests, every Hedge is his Parish, and every wandring Rogue and Whore his Parishoners; the service he saith is the marrying of couples, without the Gospel, or Book of Common-prayer, the solemnity whereof is thus.
The parties to be married find out a dead horse, or any other Beast, and standing one on the one side and the other on the other, the Patrico bids tham live together till death them part, and so shaking hands the wedding is ended.
Of Irish-Toyls, or Swig Men.
THese Irish Toyls, or Swig-men, being much alike, I joyn them together, who carry pins, points and laces, and such like wares about; who under the pretence of selling such commodities, commit many Rogueries; I know not what to think of Tour old Shooes, or old Boots, will you buy my Brooms? When the Brooms are sold, that long staff they carried them on would serve to knock a man down, with very much ease; and Have you any old suits, hats or cloaks, may make that profession a good cloak to hide and cover stoln goods.
Of Kynchen Coes.
KYnchen Coes are little children whose Parent are dead, having been Beggars or else young Boys, such as have ran away from their Master, and instead of a Trade to live by, follow this hind of life to be lowsie by. The first thing these Kynchens are taught is Canting, then Thieving, and at last Hanging. But before they come to take the heighth oe Tyburn, where the Pole is elevated so many degrees, they sail many times along while in the troubled Ocean of sad disasters, wherein they meet with nothing but Sorms and Tempests, raised by the Hurricans of their own irregular actions; sometimes ready to fouader in the large and dangerous Sea of Paddington, and continually ready to split against the dreadful Rocks of Newgate, or Bridewell.
The Female and antient Professors of the Art of Canting, were ranked under these seven heads;
THe Glymmerers are such as vel up and down with Licenses to beg, under the pretence that they have lost all by fire: they have their tears at command, which they pour out in abundance, at the sad relation of their great losses, telling a lamentable story, how the fire consumed their Barns, Stabies, and Out-houses, and what excellent goods they had which were destroyed therein; these Glymmerers are defended by Upright-men, who use not to walk with them, but keep aloof.
BAwdy-Baskets are such who walk about with Baskets on their arms, wherein are pins, needles, and laces; and in this number some of your band-string women may come in, who are alwaies taking great pains with their hands in the day, and with their breeches at night.
Of Autem Morts.
AƲtem-Morts are such who are married, having always children with them, one in the arms, and another at the back, and sometimes leading a third in the hand. You are not to ask what Church she was married in, or by what Parson, as long as a Todemallion shall swear he will justifie himself the husband, before any Justice of Peace in England, talk to him of a Certificate, and you were agood call him Son for a Whore.
STrowling-Morts are such as pretend to be Widdows, travelling about from County to County, making laces upon aves, as Beggars tape, or the like; they are subtil Queans, hard-hearted, light-singred, hypocritical and dissembling, and very dangerous to meet, if any Ruffler or Rogue be in their company.
DOxies are neither Wives, Maids, nor Widdows; they will for good Victuals, or for a very small piece of Money prostitute their bodies, and then protest they never did any such thing before, that it was pure necessity that now compell'd them to do what they have done, and the like, whereas the Jades will prove common: Hacknies upon every slight occasion: they are dexterous in picking of pockets, which they mind most when they find the mans thoughts most imployed on somewhat else; they are destructive Queans, and oftentimes secret Murtherers of the Infants which are illegitemately begotten of their bodies.
DElls are young bucksome Wenches, ripe, and prone to Venery, but have not yet lost their Maiden-heads, which is commonly done first by the Ʋprightman, and then they are free for any of the Brotherhood.
KYnchin-Morts are Girles of an Year or two old, which the Morts their Mothers carry at their backs in slates or sheets; if they have no children of their own, they will steal or borrow them from others.
Let this suffice of what I have spoken of the old Professors of the Art of Canting; I shall now proceed and give you a short Character, with the names of such as are the late Professors hereof.
The Huff, or Hector.
LEt me take them in Order, and first for the High-Pad, or Knight of the Road; Before he this dangerous enterprize in hand, he first urniheth himself with a good Horse, Sword and Pistols, with supernumerary killing Instruments, if need require; And thus equipt, sometimes singly, but most commonly in company with others, he robs all he can meet with: his usual times for
scouring the Roads, is when the Sun begins to decline, and the place of soure, yet advantagious for the prospect of the eye, so that it may quickly discern approaching booties; thus enriching their own condition by the ruine of others, each honest mans los being these Rogues gain.
They have a Vizard-Mask and Perruke to disguise themselves therewith, and by that means obscure themselves from the knowledge of such as are constrained to pay them an unwilling Tribute. Nay, they have a trick to alter their voice, so that as their habit, face and hair are helps to their nondiscevery; so their speech (which one should think) is undisguisable, adds very much to their concealment and security.
When they meet with a prize upon the Road, they have a Watch-word among themselves, which is no sooner pronounced, but every one falls to his work. This is the general rule they have among them, the strongest and best at grasp seize first; the weaker only bid stand at first, and afterwards fall in according as occasion requires; the instructions given them, is to catch the bridle by the left hand, and to have the sword in the right; if any opposition be made to cut soundly, and if likely to be over-powred, to kill as fast as they can, and then either with booty or without, to fly with all expedition. If they are pursued by an Hue and Cry, they were wont to obscure themselves in some place or other, and let it pass by them. How much the Roads of late have been pester'd by them is unknown to few, notwithstanding so many of them have been taken and Executed at Tyburn; Now to the intent you may be wary of them, take these following safe and wholsome Instructions.
First, If you are about to take a Journy, conceal the time as near as you can, and the charge you intend to carry with you; it is a Custome no less common then indiscreet, for persons to blaze abroad among their reputed friends, the time of their intended departure, and out of meer vainglory, tell what sum of money they carry with them; this hath been often times the cause of their being way-laid, for there is not so found a Flock of Sheep, but there may be one scabby, so in a Society one Judas, that for gain to share a fourth of the prize, will betray a man to these Bully-Ruffins of the Road.
Secondly, When you come into your Inn, have a care you discover nothing of your concern to the Hostler, Chamber lain or Host himself; the two first are commonly bribed, or are in Pention with the High-Pad, and the last in expectation of a share, or good store of Money spent in his house profusely, will either from your own mouth voluntarily, or by pumping, endeavour to discover where the booty lieth, and how much, and information instantly given to the High-Pad.
Be not easily perswaded to associate your self with Strangers on the Road, but rather endeavour to shun such as are too forward to press into your company; if you have a suspition of such company, lag a little behind; and if you see them halt also before, by alighting or otherwise, provide for your safety with what speed you can.
Suspect all those that disguise themselves in any manner, by throwing a long Cloak over there shoulders, wearing a Vizard Mask, false be ard, Perruke, &c. Or if they have none of these disguises, yet still appead suspitious, look their full in the face, and if they turn their heads aside being
unwilling to be viewed by you; this is an infallible mark of an High-way man: there are many more marks to discover these Desperado's, by which I omit, because they will take up too much time in the Description.
I shall therefore give you some instructions for your safety in Travelling: If you ride with a considerable Charge, choose rather to Travel by night then by day; for this is held as an undeniable truth among these Catter-pillars, that none will ride by night that are worth the robbing: besides, these High-way men in prudence take up their Inn betimes, to avoid the suspition of being accounted and apprehended for Rogues by being abroad so late.
Choose when you travel, the By-Roads; for your High-way men generally select the Roads which are most common and beaten, that they may have their choise of booties, and not streightned in their prize.
If you are five or six in Company, keep a considerable distance one from the other when you come to some noted place for Robbery, and do not huddle all together; this will conduce much to your safety, for by this means the Pads will be affraid to assault you thus stragling, least one or other escape and so raise the Country: What else hath been or may be said of this Subject, I shall refer you to the first part of the ENGLISH ROGƲE; wherein you may be more fully informed.
I shall conclude this discourse of them, with this Padding-Song.
A Padding Song.
I Keep my Horse, I keep my Whore,
I take no Rents, yet am not Poor,
I Travel all the Land about,
And yet was born to ne'r a foot.
With Partridg plump, and Wood-cock fine
I do at Midnight often dine,
And if my Whore be not in case,
My Hostess Daughter has her place.
The Maids fit up and watch their turns,
If I stay long the Tapster mourns,
The Cook-maid ha's no mind to fin,
Though tempted by the Chamberlin.
But when I knock, O how they bustle,
The Hostler yawns the Goldings justle,
If th' Maid but sleep, O how they curse her,
And all this comes of Deliver your purse Si.
Of the Low Pad.
A Low-Pad is a base Sheep-stealing half-penny Rogue; the lowness and meanness of whose Spirit will stoop for two shillings, though he hang for his pains.
He is not of ability to ride on Horse-back, and therefore skulks under hedges in the Road, and with a long Pole knock a man down as he rides along, or immediately and suddenly starts out from his covert, and seizing the bridle another comes and dismounts him, and so rob him.
The Fields about the Suburbs of the City, in Winter-season, use to be very much pester'd with these Vermin, these dangerous Villains: the most noted places are between Anniseed-Clear and Newington, between Hollow-way and Islington, between the Pinner of Wakefield and Kentish-Town, between Red-Lyon Fields and Totnam-Court, and lastly, Woods-Close hath been very remarkable for these pilfering Rogues, skulking and lying up and down in ditches, and like Quails calling on one the other with a sharp and loud return they will answer each others shrill whistle; this they do to give notice to each other where they lie, so that they may commodiously join with each other in the assaulting of any person they intend to rob. They make choice of Winter Evenings, as most convenient to obscure their dark purposes.
Of the Gilt.
THe Gilt is one that going into a Tavern or Ale-house, no room below stairs will serve his turn, and therefore is showed room above; he carrieth his friend with him, or more, as occasion shall require.
Being mounted aloft, he peeps into this room, and that, if he espies no body in the way, he will boldly adventure in, and with his Gilts (from whence he takes his name) he will readily find out (by frequent practice) one that shall fit any Lock, whither Trunk, Desk, Cabinet or Chest, and if he have time will (very civily) lock them with the same instruments he opened them; having done their business, away they rub to some other place, till they are discovered, and so sent to the Nubbing cheat for their art and ingenuity.
Of the Budge.
THe Budge by some is termed a Runner: his employment is in the dark of the Evening, to go into any door that he seeth open, and boldly entring the house, takes whatever next cometh to hand, and marcheth off therewith; if he meets any upon his entrance, they shall not need to ask him what business he cometh about, for he will instantly ask whether such a Gentleman be within, if an answer be returned they know no such person; he will straightways crave their pardon, saying, he was mistaken in the house, and will not stay to hear any reply; but if he meets with no opposition, his confidence will carry him three pair of stairs, though he is sure for his labour to come down by the Rope.
HE is a fellow that waits any opportunity to commit Burglary, he never goes alone, unless now of late time, wherein these Rogues have found out new ways to rob houses, that is by getting in to new built houses unfinished, through which they get into the Gutters of other houses inhabited, and so consequently into the Windows thereof, and so convey what they get either out of the Garrets, and other Rooms lower down, as far as they durst venture: This course these Rogues take as soon as the day is shut in, and sometimes sooner; but the other House-breakers watch their opportunity in the dead of the night; who have an Instrument they call a Betty, with which in a moment they will force open any door, at which entring they instantly Gag and Bind all in the house, and so march off with their booty; but let them act ever so warily, these pranks help them to break their necks at last.
THe Huff heretofore usually kept his Whore, which upon a plotted occasion must acknowledg her self his wife, who having drawn in some young man to lie with her, gives intelligence thereof to the Hector, who watcheth the minute, catcheth them in the act; and with threats and God knows what, frightens the young man into a compliance of recompencing the injury, either by present satisfaction or by a Bond or so forth; but this hath been so notoriously and commonly used, that this practice is obsolete and quite out of fashion.
Ye still he hath a being, though his way of living be somwhat different, for now he at first sets up by taking a purse on the Road, which not only puts him in stock, but furnisheth him with good apparel, that may qualifie him to keep Gentile Company, as occasion shall offer. He understands a Dye very well, and well he may; for, for some years that he was a Foot-boy, or so, there was not an hour in the day past in which he did not exercise his hand with the Dice, either for naughty halfpence, or Coffee-pence when fortune smil'd, or else by himself, that he might the better cope with his livery Companions, Lace-coated Gamesters; besides, three parts of every nights dream is spent in Come at seven, what chance of the Dye is soonest thrown, in topping, slurring, palming, napping, with how to fix a Die for any purpose.
Practising thus, Sleeping and Waking, he becomes an excellent Proficient in all sorts of Gameing by which he endeavours to bubble all he meets
with, but if unkind Fortune by meeting with his match hath rob'd him of his Money, he knows where to borrow or steale an Horse with which he may rob the Travailer to Re-instock himself.
In short his Cloyster is a Bawdy-House, where all his devotions are tendered.
He is a Protector to all distressed Damsels called in our Vulgar Tongue Common Whores, and that he may put a better Gloss on the matter, calleth them Cozens, and swears he will Vindicate their (Stinking) reputations with the Hazard of his life, and that he may strike terror into the fearful; he will draw upon any slight occasion not with an intent to hurt, but to wipe off the suspition of being a Coward: for this he knows that the opinion of Valor is a good Protection to him that dares not use it.
In company there is no man more Exceptions and Cholerick, but seldom lets his anger swell into a quarrel; but hopes by his Huffing to blow over a sound Basting.
Yet if he discovers a Coward, he will not rest tell he hath found out some means to quarrel with him, and there must not be expected a reconcilement, till the Gentleman hath given him satisfaction with a Silver sword.
No man more constantly imployeth his Brains then this Bully-Huff; For his life is a dayly invention, and each meal a Stratagem. When his Whores will not or cannot supply him, he borrows of any that will lend him money, which sometimes is lent him, not so much expecting a repayment, as that he will never trouble them more.
To conclude with him, his Prayers are in the
morning that his Cheats may take effect that day, if not, that he may be Drunk before night; he sleeps with a Tobacco Pipe in his Mouth, and dreams of nothing but Villany; and when he dyes it is either on the Gallows, or like Hercules with in his Bones.
The File and Bulker.
THe File was formerly called a Bung-Nipper! or Cut-Purse because with a short sharp Knife, and an horn Thumb, he would cut a Purse with all ease imaginable; but since Purses are much out of fashion, the File or Pick-Pocket is a la Mode.
It was wonderful with what Dexterity and Celerity they will pick a Watch, Money, or any thing else out of a mans Pocket; and least they should be detected, and the goods found about them, they have one that attends the Operator who assoon as he hath done his work, immediately conveys what he hath got into the hands of his Comrogue, who trips off with it, so that if they be suspected and searched, there is no such thing with which he is taxed found about him. They have their appointed places to meet where they share.
Their Markets are Fairs, Crowds, Churches and places where great store of People resort, the Bulker jastles them up, and the File doth the work.
Before the great and dreaful Fire, I heard of a very Spruce File, who took up his stand commonly on Ludgate Hill, there being frequently a great stop of Coaches, if he could not pick the Pockets of those that were on foot, he would pick out the pin of the wheel of that Choach in which he saw none but Gentlewomen, and by their habit those of the better sort; he would wait on this Coach particularly, for the stop being over as soon as ever the Coach began to move one of the Wheels would drop off, then would he be as officious as might be to hand the Lady's out, who seldom refused him, he being always well garbed and as with one hand he lifted them, out with the other he drew out what was in their Pockets, sometimes taking away the Watch that hung by their side.
I must not forget one notable story of late, which was this.
A Tradesman of my acquaintance having some business in the Strand, which required not so much hast but that he made a stop at the Pictures which usually hung out near the Middle Exchange, gazing thereon, a Motherly Woman in good habit came and stood by him, and askt him what such a Picture signifyed, Why (said he) its the Story of Noah and his two Daughters; what is it I pray Sir (said she, Iustling up closer to him) I am very deaf pray speak Lowder; with that the Man to satisfy her curiosity opened his throat to some purpose, Speaking aloud that it was the Representation of Noah being drunk and lying with his own Daughters: Marry is it so, (said she) then fie upon them for a couple of Lecherous Queans, and He for an old doting Drunken Coxcomb; could he find out no body else to do withall but his own
flesh and Blood, however Sir I thank you for your information, I have received a great deal of satisfaction from you, and so it seems she had having pickt his Pocket of what Money was therein contain'd.
The Moon Curser.
THe Moon Curser is generally taken for any Link-Boy; but particularly he is one that waits at some Corner of Lincolns-Inn-Fields with a Link in his hand, who under the pretence of Lighting you over the Fields, being late and few stiring, shall Light you into a Pack of Rogues that wait for the comming of this Setter, and so they will all joyne in the Robbery.
Some of these were found to be Labourers so called, such who wrought all day in the Ruins of the City and were paid by their Master Workmen, and at night found an easier way to pay themselves by lying in the Ruins, and as they saw occasion would drag in People into Vaults and Cellars and there rob them.
The Bawd Pimp and Whore.
I Put these together because it is pitty to part the Devills Housholdstuf: and indeed she is very much like him, her Envy running Paralel with his: For all that the Devil indeavours to do, is to bring Man-kind into the like state and condition, and the nature of a Bawd is to make all fair Women as foul as her self; now because their youth perhaps will not admit of it so soon; she hurries them on to it by degrees; by the excess of Drink and Smoke, and Venery, and that point by which she indeavors to set off her bad Commodity will in a little time totally ruine.
If you visit her house she pretends to have no Drink, but will send for some that she may be sure of your Money; if you touch her bedding it will infect you, for few comes near it but they are troubled with a fit of the falling Sickness; but yet this I shall tell you, shall well teach you temperance, not suffering you to have too much Liquor for your Money: If she stays a year in a place she is befriended by the Justices Clerk.
The Instruments in chief of a Bawds trade are an Hector or Huff, which seems instead of the Gyant to defend her inchanted Castle from being violated by Knights Errant: The Pimp which brings Grist to the Mill, that is Bawdy Customers to the house, which he picks up under this pretence; goe along with me and I will show you the fairest Wench in Christendom, or raise a discourse of Bawdry, and then swear, there is not such a
Curious fine Sinner in or about the City as there is at such a place, &c.
But the Whore is the Main support of the House. The first will not swagger unless he be paid, the next wont procure unless he may Spunge, and have his Leachery for nothing, and the Whore will not ply unless she hath half share of her own Gettings besides a little Snicking by the by.
The Market places to which Bawds resort to buy Tools for her Trade are Inns, where she enquires of the Carriers for Servant Maids, and according as they are handsome she Entertains them, and trains them up in the Mysteries of her Occupation, and having qualified them for the Profession of a Prostitute, the Bawd furnisheth them with Butter fly Garments, and other gawdy accoutrements for which she hath three shares, or as much as they can agree about.
I am sorry I have fouled my Fingers with such discourse, excuse what is already Writ, if you will be better informed, have a care you do not Entertain the Pox for your Companion; let me End with this Song.
The Park Song.
OF late in the Park a fine fancy was seen,
Betwixt an old Bawd and a bucksome young Quean,
Their parting of money began this uproar,
I'le have half says the Bawd, but you shan't says the Whore.
Why 'tis my own house,
I care not a louse,
I'le have three parts of our, or you get not a souse;
'Tis I says the Whore that must take all the pains,
And you shall be damn'd e're you get all the gains,
The Bawd being vexed straight to her did say,
Come off with your Dud's and I pray pack away,
And likewise your Ribons, your Gloves, and your Hair,
For naked you came, and so out you go bare:
Then the Buttocks so bold,
Began for to scold,
Hurry-Dun was not able her clack for to hold,
Both Pell-mell fell to it, and made this uproar,
With these complements, thou'rt a Bawd, thou'rt a Whore.
The Bawds and the Buttocks that lived there round,
Came all to this case, the pockie and sound,
To see what the reason was of this same fray,
That did so disturb them before it was day;
If I tell you amis,
Let me never piss;
This Buttock so bold, her name was call'd Siss,
By Quiffing with Cullies three pounds she hath
And but one part of four, must fall to her lot.
Then all the Bawds cry'd, let us turn her out bare,
Unless she will yeild to return you half share,
If she will not we'l help to strip off her cloat
And turn her abroad with a slit on her Nose.
Who when she did see,
There was no remedy,
For her from the tyrannous Bawds to get free;
The Whore from the money was forced to yield,
And in the conclusion, the Bawds got the Field.
Of the Shop lift.
SHe is most commonly well clad, and one that wants more Grace than Wit; She hath several large pockets about her, but that which stands her principally instead, is her Gown or Petticoate so tuckt up before that it will contain any thing without falling out: Thus prepared she will boldly goe into a Mercers shop, and there pretend to lay out a great deal of Money, whereas her whole intent is to convey into her lap same Peece of Silk or Sattin which will lie in a little Compass, and that she may the better Facilitate her purpose, she will be very troublesome to the Shop keeper, by causing him to shew her much variety of Commodity, to the intent that what she hath stoln may not be easily mist; and having sped in one Shop, she will attempt other Shops of a different Profession; she hath variety of Customers for these stoln Commodities, as Taylors, Piece-Brokers, &c. Where she makes up her Merchandize.
Of the Night-Walker and Diver.
I Joyne them together as being but one and the same thing; for she that is a Diver or Pick Pocket is an infallible stroler or Night-Walker.
This occupation is contrary to all others, for she opens her Shop windows when all other Tiaders are about to shut them.
The night approaching she riggs her self in the best manner she can, with some apparent outward Ensign of her Profession; having weighed Anchor and quitted her Prt she steers her course for some one principal street, as Cheap-side or Corn-hill; with a gentle breese she first sails slowly on the one side, and if she meet nere a Man of War between Snow-Hill and the Poultry, she tacks and stands away for the other side, but if she be a tolerable tight Frigat, she is laid aboard before, made fast with the Grapplings, and presently rummaged in the Whold; sometimes she sheers off and leaves my Man of War on Fire.
You shall know her by her brushing you, staring in your face, often haltings in the street by gazing about her, or looking after some or other she hath brusht; but the most infallible Sign is asking of Questions, as what is't a Clock, Or I am a stranger which is my way to such a place.
If she is pickt up she will make an hard shift but she will give a man something whereby he
shall remember her as long as he lives; besides it is ten Pound to a penny but she plays the Diver and picks his Pocket.
Of the Bawd and whore.
THe next sort of Cattell I intend to treat of is the Bawd and Whore, now because the Subject is so copious their being so much Roguery Subtlety and Villany contain'd in the profession of either.
Give me leave to inlarge my self hereon, promising you in this discourse not to offend the ears of any modest READERS, but shall indeavour to discover the truth of their wicked and Lascivious practices, described in the ensuing lives of a Crafty Bawd, and a most Notorious Whore.
Whom for the better carrying on their History, I shall call the first Mother Craftsby and her Niece Mistress Wheedle.
The vicious and Remarkable Lives of Mother Craftsby, and Mistress wheedle.
THe World is full of Impostors, and indeed she her self is nothing else but a complicated Cheat: Yet she faine would appear more splendid and better than she is: Men and Women herein contained to imitate several of Natures production, bad men would seem good though their Intentions and Actions tend not to that Center, and that they may palliate their Rogueries, play the Counterfeit with Vertue and Honesty; Pebbles well cut, and Bristol-Stones by their borrowed or feigned Luster prove the Rivalls to Real Diamonds, and often delude the ignorant, but when judiciously compared they prove but foils to the others true Worth, and their glittering serves only to surprize the ignorant.
The constant Standards or Conveyers of light and Virtue are neglected, when short liv'd Meteors (Spawns of Bogs, and Extracts of Dunghills) drawn by the Suns resistless power to a great er height then they themselves were capable of attaining, to become the wonder of a gazing Multitude, and so much pride therein that being possest with a strange Phrenzy of Ambition, regard not what they do or suffer, so that they make some bustle in the World.
The Persons of whom I do intend my Discourse were solely bent upon this irregular Humour;
Craftsby being now grown Old, the heat of whose youthful blood being by Age now near upon extinguisht, minded her profit only; and that her Niece Mistress Wheedle might not too violently prosecute her pleasurable inclinations, she stopt them in their career by a watchful Eye and Politick Instructions.
The Subtle Bawd was glad to see her towring Spirit to soar above her mean and low born fortune, to the supplying of which defect, she dayly plum'd her head with Ingenious conceits, which in time might be wrought into such deceits as she aim'd at, and so it prov'd for dazled with these false appearances, they both forsook Vertue, the difficult yet the only direct road to Glory, pursuing their satisfactions in the crooked and bypaths of Subtlety and Circumventing all which come with in the verge of their power so to effect their purpose.
It matters not to tell you where they were born, neither do I think them half so wise as they should be, who relating the life of a Malefactor contend about the place of his or her Nativity; some placing it here, others, there, the truest writer in the Moon, although the opinion savors somewhat of Lunacy; let it suffice that my two female Whipper Snappers, were born in Terra Incognita and travelled to London for profit, cariosity and pleasure.
It will be requisite I begin with the life of Mistriss Craftsby, as an introduction to that of Mistress Wheedle, since the former had but just began to act her part on Loves Theater, when the other (her Niece) was then as a meer Novice in such Affairs, being but a blossom in the Cyprian Garden.
Mistriss Craftsby had a very good natural Genius, quick of apprehension, and though she had a very nimble invention, yet contrary to General observation she had likewise a capacious Memory, its faculties were so retentive she never heard any Ingenious expression once which was not afterwards absolutely her own; her beauty was not much fam'd though her face was very well featur'd and fashion'd, her stature was middle siz'd, her body plump and fleshy, her hair of a dark brown and an eye as black as a slow, with eye brows so large and thick, that Nature seem'd prodigal in planting thereon so much, that if half could have been transplanted 'twould have been more then sufficient to have adern'd the face of some antient Citizen made barren by the coldness of his o're frigid Nature.
She very much affected gaudy apparel, and was a great hater of labour and pains taking, the first she could not purchase in the Country, by reason of the poverty of her Relations, labour she was continually exercised in, which made her enter tain so great an aversion to the Country, that nothing could oppose her Resolution of seeing London, and that which hastned her departure, was the insufferable dislike she took to the conversation of her Country Neighbours, there being no proportion between her and their Humours, nor finding any thing agreable in their Rural pastimes. Susans intended departure (for that was her Christian name) being generally spread abroad, a universal grief possest the Inhabitants of that Parish wherein she liv'd, but more especially two Young men, the one a Wheel-Right and the other a Serving-Man; the last followed her to London, and not finding her lost his Wits,
and was put into Bedlam, where he trifled away his time in Straw and making Congies to a post instead of his Mistress, till he dyed; the other was no less forward in the purchasing of his love than the former who went for London also, and missing his Mistress wheel'd off to Sea, whose flames were quencht in the bottom of the Ocean.
The time being come for her departure, she mounted on a pack, and sate as if she was riding on a Cammel, in her best Countrey livery, that is to say, she had a straw hat, a green Wastcoat, and red Petticoat, with Hob-naild shoo's which would strike Fire at every step, the Emblem of what Fire works she would make when she arriv'd at her journeys end.
Coming to London, the reputation of a harmless Country-Girle, and a good comely Face, soon introduced her into a service, where having learn'd somewhat more than she understood in the Country, and by her service having gotten good Cloths on her Back, she imagined the place wherein she lived too low to advance her to that height to which her fancy dayly prompted her; neither were the Amorous pretences and insinvations of her Masters Apprentice able to detain, although the grand Obligation of a promised marriage was contained therein; I concieve the stay of three Years, was too long for one in her longing Condition.
The only place she inquired after was a Merchants House, as creditable in the first place, and next, as there was more probability of advancing her fortunes by matching with some deluded Casheer and she was encouraged to this confidence by the many matches she had heard of in this nature by
such who were as full of hopes as she was, of thriving in this kind.
A Service she soon got in a House as she desired, which, for external splendor and internal accommodations, was little inferior to any Merchants in the whole City.
Here she behaved her self so well, that she gain'd the love and favor of the whole House, and so craftily she counterfeited a becomming modesty that her Masters Casheer entertain'd for her a love within his breast that is not common, the more his Reason indeavored to suppress, it became more Violent, and giving it no vent it was ready to breake that wherein it was Contain'd.
She like a cunning Gypsie percieved well the malady of his mind, but would not take the least notice of it, and instead of quenching that over grown flame which she had blown up by her alluring subtle practices, her winning carriage and seeming compliance to every thing he seem'd to desire, added new fewel thereunto dayly.
He could now no longer keep in that which would have its free course in spight of all oppositions whatsoever, and now it violently broke out like Powder fir'd, making a report so much the greater by how much it is pent up in a narrow Circumference.
When other careless Souls are dead in sleep, or suffer themselves to be led Captive in leaden Chains, by that heavy headed God Morpheus, the careful Lover is ever watchful, his eyes can find no rest, because of those continual Alarums the panting Heart doth beat on his troubled Amorous breast.
Thus stood the affair between our Lovers,
Susan being informed that he would relate something of importance that night to her, thought every hour seven till the family was gone to bed, and he every hour seventy till he might have some assurance of his bedding with his Love.
The house being now in a profound Silence, he steals out of his own Chamber, and softly trips down the stairs into the Kitching where his Love attended his coming.
Low was their talk but high was the passion they had reciprocally for each other, that sighs and looks were forc't to supply the place of speech, discovering what their tongues were incapable of uttering, and Kisses supplyd the defects of all the rest.
His warm touches and frequent embraces did melt her into complacency so that on both sides never were their made so many Amorous promises as between these two Lovers, he swore and damn'd himself a thousand times if ever he broke his faith with her, and she vow'd and protested she would never be unfaithful to him, upon this Obligation she condescended the next night he should lie with her with this Proviso, that if she be with Child he should marry her incontinently, but if no such thing hapned to defer it some time longer, this agreement was Seal'd interchangeably by Kisses on each side, and so they went to their respective Chambers.
The Master of the House (whom we shall call Mr. Tradewell) had a Partner and his Wife in the House with him, whom for the better carrying on the Story, we must call by the name of Mr. Silware. this Merchant was gone into France about some Affair that concerned the Partnership, and left his Wife behind him to the care of Mr. Tradewell,
who ever had a great respect for her, being a very lovely Woman, and one whose beauty and every part exceeded his own Wives by many degrees, the consideration of which had so inflam'd his Heart, that he only wanted an opportunity to make known to her the Fervency of his Affection.
This absence of her Husband gave him all the advantages a Lover could require, neither was he backward in the vsing of such means that might accomplish his irregular defires; he had made several attempts but still was repulst, at length he resolv'd to summon together all his force and give her one home Charge more, or one Vigorous assault before he would raise his Siege; the time designed was the next day, after the night the Casheer and Susan had agreed to the assignation of each others Maiden-Heads the night following.
The day being come and when one half or more thereof was spent, Mr. Tradewell singles out his game (fair to Admiration) and resolved to hit his mark.
You may therefore Swear he did not fright her Ear, with the dreadful stories of horred Dutch cruelties in Amboyna, nor what will become of that ungrateful Nation hereafter, but how he might make a Conquest over Chastity.
Mr. Selware heard his temptations with much seeing impatience and reluctancy, offring frequently to be gone, but easily stayd by her assailant; she fretted and fumed at the walls as if they were accessory to her detention whereas the door stood wide open, or had it been lockt one Skreeke or two would have as nimbly opened it as the Key thereunto belonging; having flounst
and flung up and down, She at length (recovering breath) thus capitulates with him: Where note that Fortress or Citadel that admits of a Parley with her Assailent is already half Surrendred.
O Mr. Tradewell I did not think you were a Man so loosly given, how can you thus offer to injure four at once, your Wives Vertue, my Husbands friendship, my Chastity, and most of all your own Soul.
Tradewell had a tongue most excellently well hung, with wit at will, by which he so handled the matter, that he cleared these Scruples, making her believe that forreign Nations publickly permitted (Adjutores Tori;) helpers in the marriage bed; and that it was freely granted by the husband that she should make choice of any one friend whom she pleased, that here at home such things were winked at, else how comes it about it should grow so Fashionable for Women to have a Gallant besides their Husbands, who shall not only participate of the pleasure of the Wife, but the profits also of the Husband.
What harm then (said he) can your consent to my proposals do to your Husbands friendship or your Honesty? as for my Wives Vertue if she thinks Chastity such, let her live Cloyster'd up in my Arms only, if not, let her take the freedome I freely give my self.
He added a thousand things more which his transported passion dictated to him, and laid them so home that with a kind of willing unwillingness she yeilded to what he requested, but with many Cautions, as Constancy, Secrecy, &c.
These Amorous combatants had nothing now to consider of but to appoint the field where this
Battail must be sought which was the bed of her absent Husband, the hour Eleven, and that he would take care the whole Family should be in Bed by that time; in Order thereunto he gave Order that Supper should be made ready betime, and that his intentions were to rise very early the next day, and therefore he would goe to Bed by time.
This news did not a little please Susan and the Casheer, as thinking they should the sooner and longer injoy their eagerly expected pleasures; every finger that Susan had, supply'd the place of a hand to dispatch Supper, which being ready was disht up, and Mr. Tradewell and his Wise with Mistress Saleware seating themselves.
Susan, according to Custom, waited on her Mistress and the Casheer on his Master: Susan was then so bashful that least ought in her looks should betray what was all-ready complotted, look't down continually, not daring to look up least her wanton glances (which she could not hinder) should prove the Traytors to her expected bliss.
The Casheer in the mean time stood like a Statue either staring in Susans face, or else his Eyes wandring he knew not whether, with his Wits in the sweet contemplation of those delights he should be master of e're long, his thoughts were so totally employd hereon, that he was no farther serviceably to the table then for laughter, for if his Master cald for Beer, he brought him a clean plate, if his Mistress called for a Glass of Wine he presented it to the Maid, and then to mend the Mistake to Mistress Saleware, which caused a great deal of pleasant discourse what should be the occasion of this suddain disorder, none took
more notice of it than Mr. Tradewell, for her Husband was in the like distraction, neither was Mistress Saleware in less confusion.
Mr. Tradewell partly by the strength of imagination and partly by those flames, the incomparable beauty and over kind promises his Partners Wife had kindled in him, made him even ready to dissolve as Snow against the Scorching rays of the Meridean Sun; Fancy made him think he was already incircled in her arms and clung as close as Jvies to the Elme; sometimes he thought he heard the Ravishing twang of her harmonical Lace against her Bodice, making her self unready to be the more ready to his devotion.
As Supper ended so did the discourse, for Mr. Tradewell counterfiting a bad Sentinel fell fast a sleep pretendedly; this made Mistress Saleware retire, to give opportunity to Mr. Tradewell to put her Husband to bed, who (understanding from himself that his business would call him up very Early next morning) awaked him out of his sleep desiring him to take his rest in Bed: Mr. Tradewell starting as one too suddainly disturbed out of his sleep, answer'd (raising himself and rubbing his Eyes) goe to Bed Sweet-heart, I will but goe down and give some instructions to my man what is to be done to morrow, and Order them to goe to Bed, I will instantly return; having given what Orders he thought convenient below, coming up he renew'd the former discourse with Mistress Saleware and confirmed the contract; he return'd to his own Chamber, where he found his Wife in Bed, and undressing himself went to Bed also and to prevent toying with his Wife fell immediately (but feignedly) into a profound sleep.
His wife that was not accustomed to be so serv'd could not refrain shedding some tears to be thus frustrated of thse expectations natural heat had ingendred within her; but knowing how ill humour'd he used to be when prest to any thing he did not voluntary propound and fearing to displease him she accomadated her contentment with hopes remitting the fruition of her desires to some other time, upon these agreable and self pleasing thoughts sleep closed the portalls of her Eyes, so Captivating her senses that her sleep was as profound as her Husbands was counterfeit.
Every one in the House were now paying the quiet Tribute due to Pains-taking, indulgent Nature excepting the aforementioned Lovers: Mistress Saleware lay (improperly) above Mr. Trade-well, Susan in a little room next him, the Casheer a good way distant; Mistress Saleware and Susan placed their ears to the best advantage that they might hear the first tread of their expected Amorous visitants, you must think they hearkned with as much attention, as a dying Patient would hear the Physitians sentence of Life or Death, privately whispered into the Ear of some friend standing by.
Nor did the weary Traveller indure more pain and inquietude in waiting that happy day which shall free him from those fears and dangers do on every side environ him, then this our Tradewell did in having those doubts removed which encompassed by the comming of the appointed Hour, before it was fully arrived he left his loving Bed fellow, whose Face though not tinctur'd with a Vermillion hue like a Morning Blush, yet was there nothing wanting in her which appertain'd
to her sex, but in every thing was rather redundant.
You may imagine he was very careful of treading hard, yet though he went softly, he could not hinder the creaking of the boards, which caused a double Alarum, the one to his Mistress of his approach, and the other of fear to himself, least thereby he might awake his Wife and so she find him absent, the consideration hereof made his heart to imitate a Drummer in the beating of a point of War.
Coming to her Chamber door, he cald to her in so low a voice he could not hear himself; yet she could perfectly at a good distance and instantly give him admission.
What they speedily went about you may imagine, and therefore it is needless to give you an account of every Amorous folly these two Lovers were guilty of that time, which lay in Action more than expression, and no wonder since kisses barracaded up their speech.
Having tired each others lipps, they then encountred with their Leggs and Arms, but how, my modesty will not give me leave to tell.
No doubt they ran their Posts or Stages with uncontrouled Eagerness; like an high mettled Horse which at first mounting will Carvete and Caper, and without the least touch of Switch or Spur will bounce and foam at mouth, nay fret it self out of Breath; but let us leave these Champions of Venus, and give an account of what hapned in this interval, as a just reward and a remarkable casual revenge on Tradewells infidelity.
About half an hour after this disloyal Husband had left the warm Bed of his hitherto constant
Bed-fellow to go a catterwowling, his Cashier (who was about the age of twenty, a handsome lusty Lad) got out of his Bed, having slept against his will, and not knowing how much of the night had slipt away, rubbing his eyes between sleeping and waking, he gropes his way in the dark to find out Susans Chamber; but instead thereof, entred into that of his Mistresses: The first thing he encountred with was the Bed, and finding it so quickly, doubted not but that he was right, concluding the narrowness of the room guided him to his intent and purpose; whereupon lifting up the clothes softly, he laid himself down by her side; he was not long there, e're he began to bustle (not as if he was setling himself in order to his repose) which soon awaked his Mistress, who believing it was her Husband, embraced him with an ardent affection, saying, My dearest Joy, how cold you are? Come, put thy legs within mine, I'le warm them for thee; and then discharg'd a whole volley of kisses on him: those being over, she talk'd to him again. My dear Husband, I'le tell thee what I just now dreamt: Methought I heard your man open your maids Chamber door, and talkt of things not fit to be spoke; being throughly vext my House should be made a Brothel by your Servants, I endeavoured to rise to prevent them in their Roguery, struggling to get up, and feeling for thee to tell thee what I was going about, I could not find thee in the Bed; this so strangely did surprize my mind, that through fear, vexation, and I know not what, I instantly awoke, and glad I am that it is but a Dream, and that I have thee in mine Arms.
These actions and expressions clearly convinc't him that he was in an errour, and that she which
exprest so many indearments, and which had so stricktly shackled him within her arms, was his Mistress.
At first he was almost dead with fear, but having recollected his scattered Spirits, and bethought himself of this stratageme to preserve himself from discovery, all passages that ever he observed between his Master and Partners Wife came fresh into his mind, and from all the circumstances concluded that they were now consummating their loves. and that if he could but refrain from speaking, he doubted not but that she would fall asleep again, and so have the opportunity of stealing a way, to be as good as his promise.
But jealously in her dream had so kindled her fire, that abandoning for that time the becoming modesty of her Sex, she grew so impatient of delays, that he found himself incapable of resisting those emotions she had rais'd within him, but suffer'd himself to be taught by her those Love-lessons, were designed him by another Love-School Mistress; she had so warm'd her Cashier, that had he been Marble, or a Mysanthropos, a mortal enemy to Mankind, he must have then laid aside his innate hate and emnity to be reconcil'd to such a loving Enemy.
This Combat lasted a long time without any considerable advantage perceivable on either side, but being equally tired, they both willingly sounded a retreat. And now it was time for her to consider that these embraces were more vigorous and fierce than such which are the attendants to a Marriage-bed, unusually accompanied with such frequent Repetitions: Besides his continued silence all this while did strangely startle her, which with the former, gave her sufficient
grounds to suspect she was mistaken in her Bedfellow.
The poor foundred Cashier was in a peck of troubles, not knowing how to get out of that Labyrinth he had casually wound himself into; each minute he dreaded his Masters apprehending him in bed with his Mistress, and what punishment could he expect less than his Masters Dagger plung'd to the hilts in his traiterous breast; hereupon an universal Palsie seized upon every Limb, but this trepidation of his joynts, his Mistress favourably interpreted the product of his past delights, or of desire of enjoying more, and not at all the effect of fear.
After a thousand distracting cogitations, the Cashier having weigh'd each particular in the ballance of his green understanding, considered that it might be of a dangerous consequence to ask pardon of his Mistress for what had past between them, and then again to rise when his Mistress was asleep without discovering to her the mistake, would the next day undoubtedly betray the whole matter, by her petulancie, or some little toying and wanton discourse between her and his Master; and who knows not but that she might too amply acknowledge his gratitude for his late supposed works of Supererrogation, which might give him cause to conclude (as it was but just) that his man had suppli'd his last nights absence, for none other in the family could be suspected. The apprehension of danger from the discovery of a secret of this great importance, did put him in so great a confusion, that it was not to be judg'd which was greater, the pleasure he had obtain'd, or the trouble and fear he underwent in the purchase thereof. Whilest his thoughts were ingaged
in this perplexity a stratagem bolted into his head, which in all probability might remedy all; and thus it was, he resolved to take no notice of any thing she uttered saving the Dream, making her believe that he thought himself in bed with Susan and none else, and therefore (grumbling a little first) he thus spoke:
Prethee, my Dear, what didst thou mean by that Dream thou told'st me, the matter I value not, but 'tis the manner of telling it troubles me; thy language therein was more like my Mistress than my Love; Why dost thou call me Servant whenas I intend to be thy Husband? But I will not chide, since I did not think to have been so favourably received by thee; and since I find thy love cordial (speaking to her with a Kiss) were I interrupted from thy embracements, by the interposition of an Arm of the Sea, wider and more dangerous than that loving Leander once too often crost swimming to see his sportive Hero, I would do it with as much alacrity and willingness as for striding a Brook obtain a Lordship. Dearest, said he, what is the matter? Why so silent? Fear nothing, our Mistress, poor Gentlewoman, is fast asleep, she like an harmless innocent little dreams of the ingratitude and treachery of her lascivious Husband, who is now at this very nick of time in the height of his enjoyments with Mrs. Saleware. At these words she became more surpriz'd and amaz'd than ever Alcmene was of old, after Jupiter had enjoy'd her in the shape of Amphitreo.
But seeing there was no remedy for so strange an Accident which had made her break her Marriage-Vow, she comforted her self in that the fault, if it was any, was not design'd by her, but all the
guilt ought to lie on her disloyal Husband; and indeed I know not how that can properly be called a fault which was done unwittingiy; besides, she could not but applaud the Justice of Heaven, punishing him in the same manner he had abused others. Mrs. Tradewel was somewhat loath to part with the Company of her new Bed-fellow, but reason perswaded her to it for the avoiding danger, wherefore slipping a Diamond-ring off her finger she convey'd it into the hands of her Servant, saying in a very low voice, if you are discreet hug in silence your good fortune, otherwise you shall find a reward sutable to your babbling folly.
Hereupon without replying a word, he got out of the Bed, and passing by the Chamber of his poor cheated Susan, he entred into his own, and went to sleep; how and in what manner she took and revenged this intollerable affront, I shall anon give you a farther account.
Mr. Tradewel had not been in bed with his beloved Saleware above two hours, but that Mr. Saleware being return'd from France, and landing at Gravesend, took a pair of Oars and came straight away for London with an affectionate desire to have a speedy sight of his intirely beloved Wife, and about one a Clock landed at Billingsgate, and thence with all speed went to his Habitation; where coming he knock at the back-door for the convenience of speedy entrance, the Skulling-boy lying just over the Gate, and so soon got in, making the boy to strike a light, and with it went directly to his Chamber, where these two Lovers were more intangled with each other than Mars was by the craft of Vulcan with the Cyprian Goddess. He knockt at the door two or three
times, but his Wife being other wayes employed then to come out of a warm bed and indanger of catching of cold, was as mute as a fish, neither could she in Reason speak till the business she was about was consummated; but he without repeating his knocks, she was forced at length to ask, who was there, in words imperfect, as just disturb'd out of a profound sleep. It is I, said her Husband. Who are you, she repli'd. 'Tis I, your Husband, said Saleware, don't you know my voice? She thus capitulated with him that she might have time to abscond her Lover; the suddenness of the surprize would not permit her to consult long about it, neither was there any other place of security, but underneath the Bed; which Tradewel was forc't to crawl under; that being done, seemingly in great haste she ran to the door, speaking as she went, My Soul, O my dearest Heart, art thou return'd? The most welcome man to me in the world; whil'st she thought in her heart what envious Devil brought thee hither at this juncture of time, thus to obstruct my early joys?
The door being opened, Mr. Saleware entred in, and as he was about to run and catch her in his arms, the sight of her in a manner naked, displaying her delicate Breasts, put him to a stand that he might please his eyes before he feasted his other senses; this small time of absence had given him new appetite, and so impatient he grew, that he thought undressing himself to be the way about and too long for the renewing his delight, and therefore would have cut it shorter; but she which already had had the satisfaction of a more vigorous and active subject, knew how to defend her self against the weak assaults of an impotent
Husband: to qualifie him, for the present the de sir'd him to have patience, if not, he might be instrumental in bringing her into some dangerous Distemper, by catching cold coming sweating out of a warm bed. This perswasion made him the more hasty to go to bed, his Wife in the mean time considering with what difficulty her Gallant almost starv'd with cold) must creep from underneath the bed to acquit himself of the Chamber, and the danger of staying longer in it, and withal knowing how impossible it would be to steal from her Husband, or if she did, the creaking of the door might betray her, she suddenly pumpt out of her invention, a pretty device to blind her Husband and secure her friend: Womens wits are ever most ready at a push in the greatest straights.
As her Husband was making himself unready, she caught him about the neck, saying, hold, hold, my dear Heart, prethee let's drink a glass of Wine for joy of thy return, I have half a dozen bottles which were lately sent me as a present, the best thou didst ever taste of in all thy life, prethee step down into the Cellar, there is but one left, it stands in the farthest corner of the Cellar: with all my heart, said her Husband; in order to his going down he reputs on his Doublet, and having button'd it by halves, he stands up to look for his shooes which he had carelesly dropt off his feet, but could find but one, the other it seems tumbled under the bed where Tradewel lay, he began to grope with his hands underneath the Bed, which had like to have frighted our Inamorata and and his Mistress out of their wits; but seeing his search was in vain, he went to the Table to fetch the Candle, the wife seeing this, lept nimbly out of Bed and pretending to be angry for his standing
so long barefoot on the cold ground, snatcht the Candle out of his hand, saying, is it possible, Husband, that you should be thus long looking for your shooe and not find it? Come, you shall stand no longer on the bare bords, I'le rather suffer than you; and thereupon lookt for the shooe where she knew it was impossible to find it. The Husband seeing his wife thus walk up and down barefoot, in a great passion told her, that unless she was resolv'd to be accessary to her own death, she would not do as she did; therefore, said he, let me command you to go to your bed, and do not expose your tender body to those injuries which accompany a cold winter season.
Let any one judge whether Mr. Tradewel were not in a sweet pickle at the hearing of these words, and Mrs. Saleware was at her wits ends, thinking now there was no hope of using any other fallacie, concluding the best Inventions in this case barren, and that it lay not in the power of the sharpest and craftiest wit to find out a way that may deliver them from this imminent danger.
Now did Mr. Saleware in a seeming rage adadvance to snatch the Candle from his Wife; she pretending to prevent him, with an over-officious care not to put him to the trouble, seemed to flumble (in her starting back) at the foot of the Table, and thereby fell, and by her fall extinguisht snuff and and all; whil'st her Husband was groping for the Candle, with all speed she got to the bed to advise Tradewel that this was the time, if ever, to make his escape undiscovered, she durst not speak, and therefore she did thrust her arm underneath the Bed and caught him by the foot; Tradewel thinking that the hand he felt was that
of him he had so injur'd, and therefore now did justly fear, knew not what to do, thinking it was to little purpose to endeavour his further concealment, and judged he had no means left but to crawl out upon all four, and in that posture confessing the whole matter, beg pardon of his injur'd friend; but perceiving that the person that held him by the foot pull'd him but gently, without the utterance of one word, he alterr'd his resolution, knowing it must be his Friend; after this she found the shooe and gave it her Husband, who by this time had found the Candle, which she fear'd he had given to the Devil to light, and now she entreats him afresh to go down into the Kitching, and light the Candle (there being always some fire all night long) and thereby fulfil her request; Saleware by the charming perswasions of his subtle wife, condescended to every thing she desir'd; he was no sooner gone, but she hastned her Gal lant with all speed imaginable out of the Chamber; who seeing himself freed and at liberty was the joyfullest man living, notwithstanding he was so benumm'd with cold that he lookt like the third Son of Ice-icle Winter, his shirt (by removing himself on this side and that, for his better security) was so black by rubbing the boards, that he lookt like a Small-Coal-man, and his Hair, which like Lime-twiggs had ensnared the Feathers underneath the bed, made his head appear more like an Owls than a Common-Councelmans; and which was worse, he had so bepist himself by the fright he was in, that he stunck like a Polecat. In short, his looks were so ghastly, and his face so pall'd and wan, that the most rational would have taken him for a Spectre or Phantasm, so strange was his Metamorphosis in time of this
short though sharp Purgatory; but all this was nothing to what he suffered by his Cashier; one nights repose would resettle him and restore his former quietude and serene temper, but the injury he sustain'd in the abuse of his Wife was remediless: Besides had he been discovered by his Partner, who knows the dangers that jealousie and revenge might procure to prosecute an act so foul and so ingrateful: The mischiefs are innumerarable they run themselves into, who slighting Heaven by contemning the good Laws of man, are led away by their brutish appetites and inordinate sensuality.
Consider then again, how blind and irrational some are who having wives whose beauties may dispute for eminencie with the choicest of the Creation, whose discretion, modesty and prudence was never call'd in Question by any foul miscarriage, whose honesty and nuptial fidelity is as spotless white as innocence her self; yet I say, these very men regarding neither the Laws of of God nor Nature (More ferarum Quadrupedumque) by invading other mens rights, endeavor their satisfaction with such whose Persons, Wit, Beauty and Behaviour fall as short of that which adorns their own faithful Companions, as the splendour of the serene Sun outshines the gloominess of an eclipsed Moon. In short, men should forbear entertaining such loose and unlawful desires, if not for the sake of Heaven, yet for the love they ought to bear to their health and honour: But to return where we left.
Tradewel, thus pickled in dust, feathers, and urine, durst not approach his own bed, but thought it very expedient to go to the Chamber of his Cashier, but before he could come at it he must pass
by his Maid Susans Chamber-door, who had not clos'd her eyes in all that time by reason of her longing desire of enjoying her Friend. Impatient of waiting longer she had got out of Bed, and having slipt on her Petticoat, she was going out with an intention of going to visit her faithless Friend, at the same time her Master came tripping down the stairs from Mr. Saleware; by a little glimmering light she perceived somewhat in white, at first sight she was somewhat affrighted suggesting that this might be some Spirit, had undoubtedly screekt out, had she not presently bethought her self that in all probability this was her unfaithful Friend who had slighted her for a more excellent beauty above, and was now return'd from those petulant delliances which properly belong'd to her by Oaths, Vows, & Protestations, imboldned with the consideration hereof, she seiz'd suddenly on his shirt as he was passing by, and not regarding the propinquity of her Mistresses Chamber to hers, in these terms she upbraided him, O Sir, have I caught you, are these the fruits of your last nights Promises, can the current of your love so soon run in another Channel? Base perjur'd man, so quickly to relinquish that, for which I must for ever languish.
Tradewel concluded himself surprized by his Wife, and thought she had by her vigilancie discovered this amorous complotment, and being conscious of his own guilt, he endeavoured after this manner to appease the just anger of his injur'd Wife: Dearest, I have offended, let my penitent Confession plead the remission of a fault I ne're was guilty of before. To which she repli'd: The first is a Crime of so high a nature, it can never be forgiven. What violate your Maiden-Obligation and
me who never yet knew man, nor never would know any but for your sake, to whom I'me bound by promises extorted by you from me? Why, did you promise only to delude? Could you not finde some other way to abuse me, but by this the most insufferable?
Tradewel (finding his mistake) soon banisht his fear, and perceiving what had past between his Maid and man, made the discovery of their folly his own advantage; for presently, as if he had known her from the first interview, thus spake: Well Susan, I never thought you a light Huzzie till now, I had ever too good an Opinion of your honesty by your seeming modest deportment, but for the future I shall banish such good thoughts, so undeserved by you. Get you to your Bed, I shall speedily find out some way that shall prevent Night-Walkers in my house from such like sensual meetings; you may now take your rest to night for you are not like to rest here much longer; but let this be your comfort, I will go instantly to mine and your faithless Servant, and enquire of him what was his reason that he violated that (Sacred) Promise he made, and thus basely disappointed you in your first fruitions. Having utter'd these words he left her, but in a condition so distracted, that she knew not what to nor what to think.
Tradewel eoming to the door where his Cashier lay, found it lockt, whereupon he softly knockt; the Robber of his Honour (who could not sleep for contemplating on what had casually part between his Mistress and himself) askt who was there: By the answer return'd, he knew his Master was without: Instantly his guilty Conscience flew into his face, accusing him of what he had so
lately done, and now verily believed that in oftentation his Mistress had told her Husband how luckily (though not wittingly) she was reveng'd of his base disloyalty, and that his Master not knowing how to wreak his revenge on her was come to discharge it on him. As Vice is commonly the Original of fear, so he who is afraid ever suspects the worst.
In short, fear had so universally possest him, that there was no room left for one rational consideration; all courage had forsaken this accidental offending Smell-smock, and the expectation of his ensuing punishment had stew'd him in a a cold sweat, or rather was dissolving him into one of the Elements of his first composition; you could not now call him Man, but the Decoction thereof (Neither was mans limbs so shak'd with the cold fits of a Quartan Ague, as this same quaking jelly was by his panick fear; sometimes he thought to leap out of the Window, & adventure an arm or a leg rather than run the hazard of losing — he knew not what; altering that resolution, he thought it better to cast himself on his knees at the feet of his Master, confessing his (not purposed) fault, and implore his pardon; with this resolution, he opened the door, and seeing by the light of the Moon (which was just then risen) the pallid and bloodless hue of his shivering Masters face, looking more like that of a Conjurer than one transported with a jealous passion, recollected himself and took courage to speak to him. Tradewel seeing his man in so great a confusion, could not but smile to himself, asking him what was the matter? O Sir, said he, your low trembling voice from without, and your frightful appearance within hath so disordered
me with fear, that I am like one besides himself.
Although Tradewel was in his shirt half starv'd with cold could not forbear laughing, nor would he lose the pleasure of discoursing with his man at present, although he was sure his body would suffer for it by some distemper hereafter. Come Sirrah, said he, these pretences shall not serve your turn, I know your dissimulation, and your subtle practices, I know what contract you made with my maid, how, and when you were to meet, though you disappointed her, but that was, because you were afraid of my detecting your Roguery, knowing this night I watcht your appointment to prevent further mischief.
The Cashier was all wonder and amazement; he could not imagine who should discover his dark designs, unless the Devil had don't by declaring himself his profest Enemy: it was but a folly to suspect one or the other, or to blame any; it was now only expedient to make confession and ask forgiveness, which as soon as he had done, his Master granted him his request, with this Proviso, he should never attempt the like again. But hold, said Tradewel, there is something more to be said and done, and that is help me to one of your clean shirts, and whatever you think, speak not a word, as you tender your own welfare; let it suffice, that I tell you thus much, that I have been upon other Discoveries this night than barely your lascivious appointment, but what they are, they must be secret to you.
The Cashier got him presently a clean shirt, the sooner to be rid of his Company, which as soon as Tradewel had put on, he return'd to his own Chamber, lying down by his Wives side, with
as little noise as the gliding of a Snake over a smooth Marble; she was in a profound sleep, as one extremely tired, making it appear by her (unusual) snoring, the pleasure she took in sleeping, and that she had travell'd that night every whit as far as her Husband. Yet though Tradewel was as cautious as might be of awakening her, yet he could not avoid the tumbling of her legs to and fro, agitated by some pleasant fancies in her dream, which falling on his (as cold, as if they had been pickled in snow, and laid on the Alps a whole Winter) made her suddenly start out of her sleep, no less tormented with that extreme cold, than others with the contrary Element; Tradewel shrunk from her, and she pursued him, laying her hands on his face, breast, and thighs, and dissembling her knowledge of his absence: My Dear, said she, what means this strange and unusual coldness? Art well? Prethee strike a light, I am confident that something is amiss; to which he replied, that he was in good health, and that his coldness proceeded from the bed-cloaths tumbling off. That cannot be, said she, the Bedstaffs would hinder any such thing; and then laying her hands all about him, said she, is it possible you can be so universally cold, and in a warm bed with a warmer Bed-fellow, come abscond the truth no longer, and what e're it be, discover it, and I will not be offended. If then you'l know the truth, Sweet-heart, said he, I have of of late suspected some irregular practices between my Cashier and my maid Susan, and this night I was resolved to try whether I could detect them; to which she suddenly and smartly replied, I now must detect you: Is it not sufficient that you have a wife not loaded with years, her face not deform'd, her body
fruitful, and her heart faithful, but that you must intrench on other mens proprieties? Surely Mr. Saleware and you becoming Copartners, it was not intended you should go Partner in his Wives Commodities: Could any man in the world prove so ungrateful to two at once, one that he should love beyond the world, a wife, the other which he should affect the next thereto, a Friend? Would you be serv'd so your self?
Tradewel had not a word to say in his own vindication, but pleaded guilty to all that was alledg'd against him, earnestly beseeching his Wife she would pass all by, and he would never commit the like again; upon that condition she forgave him, and the sooner, as knowing she was no loser by his infidelity.
The morning approaching, Mr. Saleware came and caressed his Partner, thanking him for the tender care he had of his Wife in his absence, and that they both were much obliged to him for his love; Complements past on all sides, and a general seeming satisfaction did o'respread the faces of them all, and now every one betook himself to his proper business: Only Susan could do no business at all, because her business was not done; she could not rest satisfied till she had singled out her false Lover; and therefore quickly found an opportunity, she first acquainted him with the greatness of her love, and how it was abused by him; and to be short, if he would not tell her the whole truth of the occasion of this breach of promise, she would never indure him more. The Cashier hearing this sad sentence, if he were not real in his Relation, and being re-inflam'd again with those adored eyes of hers, and her insinuating pleasing language (forgetting his Mistresses
threats) he tels her the naked truth, informing her, that as he was coming with no other intent than to fulfil his promise to her, by a mistake entring the wrong Chamber, he paid her due Tribute to her Mistress, who was left alone by her ungrateful Husband, who was gone to enjoy Mrs. Saleware in the absence of her Husband, his Masters Partner.
Susan was ready to sink down to hear that in all probability she had utterly lost her Sweet-heart, knowing like a cunning Baggage, that now adays love is less prevalent than interest: but prethee said she, How did she receive thee? At first, she thought me to be her Husband, till she perceived how many Barrs I had out-thrown him, and finding her mistake, she seem'd like a woman distracted, complaining that her hitherto untainted Chastity was ruin'd, that I was a Villain, for being the Murderer thereof, and that she wondred with what impudence I durst approach her bed; I was forc't at length to vindicate my self from that bold attempt, to tell her what love I had for you, for the acccomplishment of which we had appointed that night to receive the pawn on each side of each others fidelity. And you have then, said she, discovered me to be the wonton subject of her censure and reproach: no matter, said he. When she understood that what was committed was by mistake, she seem'd satissi'd, and was thankful to Heaven that this mistake had reveng'd her Husbands infidelity; then she charg'd me to be secret and be gone, and as a reward gave me this Ring; before I took my leave I enjoyn'd her to the same secrecie of our Amour. In the assurance that this is a truth, I do forgive what's past, conditionally you ne'r enjoy your Mistress more.
Mr. Tradewel carried himself now very obligingly to his Wife, and indifferently to his female Friend, and more than usual friendly to her Husband, but continually quarrelling with his Maid Susan, to the intent that he might make her weary of his Service, and so be gone; she perceiving this, was resolv'd speedily to make Hay whilest the Sun shin'd, and knew no better way to bring about her ends, then to carry her self most charmingly affectionate to her Friend, the Cashier, and to grant him every thing he desir'd; when he pleas'd he had the Command of her Bed, and dalliances with her where he pleas'd, and as often as he listed, and being now solely Regent over his affections (although now and then he accompanied his Mistress (more to please her than himself) she resolved by his overthrow to raise her self; and thus she plotted it: Notwithstanding the frowardness of he Master towards her for her own benefit, she pretended a more than common respect to him, protesting more reallity of service than invention can well hammer out; making this her Prologue to her cunning design; she tells him, she knows that she was seduced, and led away by the crafty allurements of his man, and that she could not but yield after so many thousand Oaths and Vows of righting her wronged Virginity, that instead thereof, all his performances were continual slightings; and now at last inquiring strictly into the cause of this sudden alteration of his love, she suspected that it might be occasioned by the hopes he hath of his Mistresses love towards him, that she had something more than bare suspition to make manifest what she said, and that in a little time, if he pleased, she doubted not but to make it apparent
how inconsiderately his Wives love is misplaced on her Servant.
Mr. Tradewel heard this with no small perturbation of minde, however being willing to know the truth hereof, he promised her a reward if she would make him a speedy discovery thereof. In the prosecution whereof, one night when Susan had got the Cashier in bed with her, and having according to custome after tiring been used to sleep with her an hour or two (she being all this while his waking Centinel to raise him when it was time to return to his own bed) I say, she then took the opportunity of conveying two Keys out of his Pocket, the one of his Till, where his Masters Cash lay, the other of his Trunck, which contain'd his wearing Apparel, with other things properly belonging; She opens his Trunk first, by the help of a Candle she had placed underneath her bed in a dark Lanthorn, and there finds the chiefest thing she lookt for, the Ring which his Mistress had given him as a pledge of her love, she found what she lookt for, and therefore lockt the Trunck again, without diminishing any thing therein contain'd, but the Ring. After this she trips down the stairs softly into the shop, and opening the Till, took out one hundred Guinny's, which was in a small bag by its self, and one hundred pound bag of silver, locking the Till again, which money she hid in the Cellar, and so went up again to her own Chamber, putting the Keys into his Pocket, he not missing her all this while, being fast asleep. All things being effected without the least remaining suspition, she awak't her Lover, telling him she had over-indulg'd his humour in letting him sleep so long, however she was well content to have no rest (and enjoy his
Company) so that he might have it; and so with a hug and a buss they parted.
In the morning early she got up, and taking the money she had hid (with an excuse of going but half a dozen doors off) she carried it off, and put it into the hands of a very trusty Friend of hers, and making very little stay, returns home.
By this time her Master was up, who found her as formerly, very diligent in the Kitching, and being alone, ask'd her, what further progress she had made in the discovery; I will tell you, said she, within an hour, if you will be sure to step out and be in again; in the mean time I will shew you a Ring, which your Wife gave her man; which by his knowledge thereof, increast his jealousie. He consented thereto, and she in the mean time steps up to her Mistress to know what she would be pleas'd to have for dinner: Ask your Master said her Mistress, forsooth, said she, he is gone (he told me as far as Blackwal, and it is questionable whether he can come to dinner. Blackwal, how can that be! send up the Cashier to me, he will give me better information where he is gone than you can; I will rise by and by, in the mean time I'le think what to have for Dinner.
Susan was over-joy'd her plot took so well, and indeed but according to her expectation; for she observ'd her Mistress always inquire where her Husband was, if gone out, how far, and then according to the distance of place she knew how to imploy her time and exercise her self with her man. Coming down she did not go immediately to acquaint the Cashier with his Mistresses Command, but staid some time ere she told him, extracting from him at the same time Protestations of Constancie.
Up he goes to his Mistress, but he had not been there long, e're Tradewel came in, & being inform'd by Susan how affairs stood, he went softly up the stairs, and thrusting at his Chamber-door, he found it lockt; he knockt again and again, but no answer; till at last he spoke aloud, Open the Door, and that quickly too, or I'le force it open: Whereupon she came to the Door in her Smock, and did let him in; she needed not to have confest what she had bad been doing, the disorder she was in, proclaim'd more than her tongue could utter.
Tradewel in a rage askt her where her Minion was; she was so amaz'd, she could not pronounce one sillable; hurried on with impatience, he searcht the room round, but found no body, till he lookt underneath the bed (the Mother would never have lookt for her Daughter in the Oven, but that she had been there her self) and there he espied his trusty Squire, having not room enough to kneel for pardon; as he was about to drag him out, his wife that had recalled her wandring spirits, took heart-a-grace, and staying her Husband by the sleeve, said, I pray Sir, be not too rash, consider it was your own case once, and were you not glad by the subtlety of a woman to escape that eminent danger which hung over your head, pray Sir, let this Patern or resemblance of your late Condition intercede for him; your Politie availed you little in that streight, neither will his in this exigencie; you were preserv'd by your Mistresses wit and subtlety, he is undone by my indiscretion and folly, if you applaud the former commiserate the later.
These melting, yet biting expressions took Tradewel off from the height of fury, so that his Revenge
knew not how to terminate any otherwise than instantly to call his Cashier to an account about the Cash committed into his charge; and therefore charg'd him to be gone immediately to that intent and purpose.
The Cashier who was never call'd to an account before, by reason of the large security his Parents gave his Master for his fidelity, which gave the greater liberty to his credulity, in assisting his Brethren who had ran out of Cash, and being conscious how far he had ran out himself, it startled him almost as much as this unexpected surprize; as he was going down the stairs a sudden resolution krept into his head to clear his accounts and free himself from the approaching danger, he could not but in reason expect would suddenly fall upon him, by one single act, and that was forthwith to acquit his Masters house, and throw himself upon the guidance of Fortune, which accordingly he put in execution; for immediately he got himself out of the doors with as much hast and fear, as one that had made his escape from a common confinement or his Keeper; not carrying any thing more than what he had about him.
The News was soon brought to his Master Mr. Tradewel, who was not a jot troubled thereat, but rather rejoyc't that he was rid of a sharer in his Marriage-rights, knowing withal how to give himself satisfaction for what his Servant had ran out.
This coming to the ears of Susan, made her transported with joy, how fully her revenge was extended, and how well paid she was for the exeecution thereof, being confident her Cheat could never in all probability be found out; besides her Master to reward her Treachery, vail'd with the
pretence of fidelity gave her fifty pieces, with a promise she might continue as long as she pleas'd in hi, house, with an augmentation of her Wages; she thankt him, and gave him only the hearing intending to stay no longer than she might make some considerable purchase, and so march off.
In pursuance whereof, she singled out Mrs. Saleware at a convenient time, and discovered to her the knowledge of all those amorous Intrigues which past between her and her Master, instancing every remarkable particular, and laying it so home, that Mrs. Saleware could not but acknowledge them all truths by her silence; having wrought her Plot so far, she resolv'd to drive the nail home to the head for what it was designed for, and therefore told her, that the ruine of her credit lay at her disposal, but for her part she was so tender of the Reputation of her Sex, that she scorn'd to be a Traytor to its infirmities.
Mrs. Saleware that was apprehensive enough, and knew very well by the method of her discourse what she aim'd at; rold her, she lookt upon her more discreet than to make so great a distraction in a Family she belong'd to, by speaking of such things, which if known, the differences that would thence arise would never be reconcil'd; however said she, to seal your everlasting silence, accept these Guinneys, and my everlasting friendship, if not murder'd by your falshood, and so leaves her.
Susan carries this parcel to her former hoard of money, and not satisfied yet, was resolved to cast her net for more before she left fishing in this Pool. She now goes to her Mistress, and with tears (which she had always at Command) makes a sad Complaint for the loss of her Love, telling her, that he
was betroath't to her, and had it not been for her disloyalty to her Husband, she might have enjoy'd him still; but now he was past recovery, and though she had understood all those amorous En¦tertainments from his own mouth which were enjoy'd between them, yet she rather choose to suffer in his love, than stain the credit of her loving Mistress; that all she required at present only was, that she would be pleas'd to revenge her on that dishonest, faithless, and lascivious woman, Mrs. Saleware, who was the source and original of all her troubles, for had she not (said she) consented to the lose embraces of your Husband, my Master, your Servant and my Husband that should be by a mistake in his absence, could never have obtain'd the opportunity of enjoying you by breaking his faith with me.
Mrs. Tradewel heard these Complaints with no small confusion and trouble of mind, but however to gratifie her own as well as her Servants revenge, she consented to do herein what she would advise her to. All that I request you to do, said Susan, is to acquaint her Husband how basely your Husband hath abused his Bed, but make him swear he will not discover one tittle you do relate to him; aggravate every circumstance in such manner, that you may make his jealousie swell beyond all sense and reason. This will put him upon strange extravagant abuses at first, each of which will be a tickling pleasure to see them executed, and this in a little time also will be the means to rid your self of a Rival lodg'd within the bowels of all your concerns.
This advice was so well liked of by Mrs. Tradewel, that she could not rest till she had acquainted Mr. Saleware with this secret, which in effect was
none at all, being known to more than two. Mr. Saleware when he heard it was ready to run distracted, and could hardly be perswaded but that he would either lay violently hands on himself or Wife immediately; but being qualified by his own reason, and such as Mrs. Tradewel produced, he deferr'd his revenge till another time Susan thinking she had done as mueh mischief as she could, resolv'd to be packing, and therein followed the example of the Rats (according to Report) which will fly from a falling house: She took her opportunity, and getting together some of her Mistresses choice implements of gawdry, as a gold Watch, Pendents, Rings, a Neck-lace of Pearl, with other things of value, she tript off unsuspected, & absconded her self for a while. Not long after Mr. Saleware confest a Judgment, or Warrant of Attorney to a special friend of his, for more by much than his own stock or Partners Mr. Tradewels would amount to; which was his first revenge on his disloyal Friend, what revenging injuries he inflicted on his Wife, I cannot relate, only you may imagine what an abused Husband will do in such a case, when prompted thereto by jealousie and Revenge.
Mr. Tradewel looking on kis Wife as the occasion of this desperate and irregular course, left her to the wide world, and went for Virginia, where he died, his wise in his absence being exposed to a great deal of misery, what through want and grief, died not long after.
Thus you see how suddenly two flourishing families were brought to ruine by exorbitant lust and the subtilty of a revengeful woman; but this was but the beginning or infancie of her early Projects, thousands whereof in the progress of her
life she nommitted far more cotorious than any hitherto related, I have not room to describe them all, wherefore I shall briefly recount to you as many as I may.
After her running away from her Master, she apparall'd her self as richly and as modishly as most of the female Gallants about the Town, and went by the name of Mrs. Craftsby, she took her lodging near to those places where the Gentry most resorted, where she not only learn'd the counterfeit deportment of a Gentlewoman, but likewise by her Habit skrew'd her self into the acquaintance of such of her Sex, as were placed in the Spheres of Honesty and Honour.
She pretended her self the Relict of a Knight in Yorkshire, by which Lye she obtain'd the Honour of being called Madam, and the advantage of being Courted by men of good Estates, so many and so importunate, that her Lodgings from morning to night were seldom clear'd from one or more amorous visitants; and although by the most fiery she was hotly beset, yet she would not surrender; till fearing she might withstand her better fortunes, she yielded to the importunities of a Gentleman well stricken in years, but one that had the best estate of all her Suiters. They were not long married, before the old Gentleman found her out what she was, not only a Cheat, but an insatiate Whore to boot, having now a Cloak for her unbridled Lechery; the knowledge whereof made a separation between them; however she sued for Alimony, and forc't from him a competent maintenance; she now no longer hid her self under the vail of seeming Chastity, but walkt with Vice barefoot every where; and now for profit as much as pleasure, she prostituted her
self to any thing that had money; nay, a Dog, if he had but a shilling in his mouth: By these lascivious excesses she was so often clapt, that she became a meer Hospital of Diseases, and was now no longer in a Condition to maintain the reputution of a handsome Whore, being metamorphosed into the likeness of a loathsome and deformed Bawd.
Yet still she had her Wits about her; and considering she could do nothing of her self, unless she procured some assistance of other; she trotted all the Town over to find out one fit for her purpose; Pat as she would have it, going into a sinning-house near Whetstones-Park, she found a young Plyer there, whose Countenance promised every thing she desired, and having discourst her, found her what she seem'd to be, and her own Niece: whereupon promising her greater advantages than she could reap there, she allur'd her to her House, where as Partners they liv'd together.
Her Name was Mistress Wheedle, a plump succulent Girl, with a face no way contemptible, she had a quaint Wit, a charming Tongue, and an humour so brisk ad gay, as if no other Elements but fire and Air had club'd to her composition; these attractions, and her petulant Deportment, drew on a number of Smell-smocks, which courted her for that Trifflle which men so much covet to enjoy and women to be rid of; but she like a nning Market-woman plotting to sell her Ware the best advantage, received them all with proing Smiles, & dispensed the same indeared Caes to every one. This brought her in a large Harvest of presents, and the better to draw them in, she would for such a Ring, Bracelet, or Necklace,
&c. promise some Cully the great kindness; if they were loath to purchase sin at so dear a rate, she woul fall in her price, chosing rather to play at small game than sit out.
In a little time she was so generally known that she was compell'd to study new Artifices to allure in Customers, and those which she refus'd at first, she was now glad to acept of, so that the house became the receptable of all forts of Cullies; not only the Bleeding-Cully, but the Ruff-Cully, the Dark-Cully, the Flogging-Cully, and the Fencing-Cully; in short, no persons how wicked soever (Whores, Rogues, Pads, Gilts, Files) but were her daily Companions.
This house at length grew so notoriously infamous, that it was known and pointed at almost by every Boy which past that way. Hereupon the Justice takes Mrs. Craftsby the Bawd, to a severe account, and upon examination found her so guilty (not only for Bawdry, but all manner of Roguery, frequently entertaining such in her house, who being detected there, were afterwards hang'd) I say, for these considerations, the Justice made her Mittimus and sent her to Prison; Mrs. Wheedle having had timely notice hereof, made her escape, and soon after the commitment of her Partner, sold all she had, and not contented with this, she turn'd Night-Walker, whilest in the daytime she exercised other Professions belonging to the ancient Society of Tyburn: Sometimes she plaid the part of a File, and did it with dexterity, even to admiration; she was a cleanly conveying Shop-lift, having a very large Pocket or Wallet underneath her under Petticoat, in which she would, cheapning Commodities in divers Shops convey insensibly something of every
thing; but at last endeavouring to play the Girl in a Tavern with one of her Bully-Huffs, they were both discovered in the act, carried before a Justice, and by him sent to Newgate; at the ensuing Sessions, Mrs. Craftsby the Bawd received the Sentence of Carting, Mrs. Wheedle and her Gallant, of being carted to Tyburn, where they ended their wretched lives, whilest the other lived more hated than the last were pitied.
By this Story (which is a very truth) you may see the evil Consequences which heavily wait on Lust and such exorbitant actions; and therefore my advice is to all, that they imitate the Aegyptian Niceta, by sayling by the Scylla of carnal pleasure, and the Caribdis of incontinencie; and yet not endanger the Shipwrack of their Chastity; and I could with I knew how to teach you to drink out of Circes Cup, and not be converted into Swine; & how you may hear the Syrens sweet & charming voices, and not yet be not inchanted by them. The best Rules I can give you are contain'd in this Distich:
Otia, Mensa, Libri, Vaga, lumina Verba, Sodales,
Hoec tolle, banc minue, hos muta, boec claude, hac fuge, vita hos.
Sloath, Dainties, idle Fellows, wandring Looks,
Shun with all speed, and change your wanton Books.
To begin with Idleness, Otia telle, be not unimploy'd, for that is the fittest season the Devil hath to perswade thee to any thing that is evil; and therefore that man qui nil agit (which doth nothing) may be truly said, male agere, to do ill.
Otia si toll as perire Cupidinis are us
Contemptoeque jacent & sine luce faces.
Shun Sloth, and Cupids Bow thou'lt break
And's Torch contemn'd will shine but weak.
Next Mensam minue, that is, pamper not your self by feeding too high. Adultery was never the Daughter of Temperance; Chastity ever lives more secure in low Cottages, than in sublime Pallaces.
Beware of obscene Books, as Drollery, wanton Poems, lascivious Stories, &c. Ovid himself, Loves-School-master, gives good advice, when he faith,
— Teneros ne tange Poet as.
And yet his Art of Loving, or rather his Art of Bawdry, with wanton Martial, lascivious Catull us, Tibull us and Propertius are taught in Schools publickly; wherefore
Ite mali versus animam qui perditis, ite.
Fourthly, Vaga lumina claude. Lust sometimes creeps into the Soul by a Kiss, or through the Ears, but chiefly through the Eyes. Hence proceeded that Law of Zeleucus, that punished Adultery by the loss of the eyes, as first promoter of that sinful Act.
— ruitque videndo.
Lastly, fuge Sodales, I mean shun only bad Companions. He that continually wallows with Swine in the mire, must expect to be in the same filthy condition. The Plague is not more spreadingly
Infections than ill manners. Example is ever more prevalent than Precept, and one scabbed sheep will infect the whole flock.
— Sicut Grex totus in agris
Ʋnius scabie cadit —
Wherefore he that is ingaged in a vitious Society, let him forsake it, and he that is inconcern'd therein, let him have a care how he falls into it.
Hinc Niger est hunc, tu Romane cveto.
Be of that mind that Apollonius Tyanaeus was of, when he desir'd the Gods, that they would give him such a discerning mind, as Noscere bonos, malos vitare, to know the good, and shun the bad.
To conclude, make other men your Example, lest you be made an Example to others.
MISCELANIES, AND OTHER JOVIAL PARADOXES OR, THE Canters-Academy OF COMPLEMENTS.
MISCELANIES, and other JOVIAL PARADOXES: Or, the Canters-Academy OF COMPLEMENTS.
QUestion. What is an idle Justice of Peace like?
Answer. The Picture of St. George on the Sign-Post with the Sword in his hand drawn to no purpose.
Q. How may a Fool resemble a wise Man?
A. By concealing of his folly with silence; for he cannot speak, that knows not wisely and seasonably how to hold his tongue: the common saying is, Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur; which may be turned clean contrary, to, Vir loquitur; qui pauca sapit.
Q. What's he that hath a fine wit in jest?
A. He that is a Fool in earnest.
Q. How comes it to pass that tall men for the most part are not wise?
A. For that the length of their bodies proceeds from great moisture and heat: but driness engen dreth Wisdom in man; and your Garrets have for the most part nothing but lumber in them.
Q. Whether doest thou profess thy self a Knave or a Fool?
A. A Fool at a Womans service, and a Knave at a mans: thus I do distinguish, I would cozen the man of his Wife, and do his drudgery, and I would present his Wife my best respects to do her service, so I might subscribe my self both Knave and Fool. Well, well, God give them Wisdom that have it; & those that are Fools, let them use their Talent.
Q. What distinction do you make betwixt a Friend and a Foe?
A. Marry thus Sir, he that would seem a Friend and Praises me when I do not deserve it, makes an Ass of me; now my Foe tells me plainly I am an Ass; so that I am the worse for my Friend and the better for my Foe; for Plain-dealing, till of late was ever counted a Jewel.
Q. How should a man behave himself to his Friends?
A. As if in time they might become his Enemies.
Q. What may a sample fellow in good Cloaths be compared to?
A. At Cinnamon-Tree, the Bark is more worth than the whole Body.
Q. How are great Eaters said to be the most valiant men?
A. Because they never fight but with a good Stomach.
Q. Why are those that wear long hair in the readiest way to make Fryars?
A. Because they promise to themselves bald Crowns without the help of a Barber.
Q. What men are dangerous in a Commonwealth?
A. Those that affect Novelties.
Q. What was the Opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild Fowl?
A. That the Soul of our Grandam might happily inhabit in a Bird; yet am not I afraid to kill a Woodcock, for fear I should dispossess the Soul of my Grandam.
Q. But what think you of his Opinion?
A. I think nobly of the Soul, and no way approve of his Opinion.
Q. Why is it said to be no Charity to give a blind man an Almes?
A. Because he would be glad to see him hanged that relieves him.
Q. On whom ought not benefits to be bestowed?
A. Not to young Children, nor to old men, nor to dishonest persons: because young Children have not the wit to apprehend a Courtesie done them before they come to the Age of Knowledge; and Old men do quickly forget them; nor upon dishonest persons, for they are too subtle to requite them.
Q. Why do the Women in Newgate beg singing?
A. Because Newgate is a Cage of Canary-birds.
Q. Why is Prison a good Instrument of Reformation?
A. Because it makes many Rogues and lewd Fellows stay'd men.
Q. Do you not wonder that there should be so ma¦ny
Pick-Pockets about te steets, notwithstanding that there is a Watch in every corner?
A. That's all one, for a Pick-Pocket would as willingy meet with a Watch as any thing else.
Q. Why is a Midwife so commendable a Trade?
A. Because they live not by the hurts of others as Chyrurgions do; nor by the falling out of Friends as Lawyers do: but by the agreement betwixt party and party.
Q. What's the best remedy for a woman that's troubled with the falling sickness?
A. It may be cured by a spell of the only crossing her Legs. Probatum est.
Q. Why did the Ancients paint Fortune with a double fore-head, the one side bald, and the other hairy; and why also blind?
A. The backside bald signified adversity, when we do not take opportunity by the fore-head top; the hairy part Prosperity, which we enjoy when she pleases. She is pictured blind, because many times she bestows her favours upon unworthy persons, and for that she blindeth her pursuers.
Q. Why do Foot-boys for the most part wear linnen stockings?
A. Because they are troubled with running Legs.
Q. What do several sorts of Colours signifie?
A. White signifieth Truth or Innocencie, it resembleth the Light; Green, Hope, or Youth, Yellow, Gladness, or Jealousie; Straw Colour, Plenty; Orange, Cuckold, or Covenant-Colour signifies diminution of Honour, or Spiteful; Blew, the Scotch-bonnet-Colour, Treachery: Carnation, Sorrow; Violet, Inconstancie; the Azure is most pleasant to the eyes of any colour, because Nature in the Azure seemed as if she had
meant all the rest; Red, betokeneth the nobleness of Courage; Purpure, or Purple, was a Colour in Ancient times only worn by Kings and Princes; Tawny is a Colour of Worship, most commonly born amongst the French-Gentry; Murrey in Blazon-Sanguine, is a Colour in ancient times appertaining to the Prince of Wales; All mixt or midling Colours, are reckoned more Noble or Ignoble by participation either of the Nobility of White which is Light, or of black which is a deprivation of Light.
Q. Why is a Cholerick man said to be no wiser than an Horse?
A. Because he cannot bridle his Passion.
Q. Why is a Miller said to be the fittest Husband for a Scold?
A. Because when the Mill goes, though her tongue be never so loud, it cannot be heard.
Q. Why are Scriveners said to be hard-hearted Fellows?
A. Because they never rejoyce so much as when they put others into Bonds.
Q. Why is it better to fall into the Claws of Crows and Ravens than of Flatterers?
A. Because Crows and Ravens do but eat us when we are dead, but flatterers devour us alive.
Q. Why had a Barber more reason to be honest and trusty than another Trade?
A. Because whosoever employs him, though but for a Hairs matter, puts his life into his hands.
Q. Why is a Barber said to be such an active man?
A. Because if once he take out his wooden Comb, he will so box a man about his Ears, yet he shall take no exceptions, for he shall scarce feel it.
Q. Why do many hold that there is a World in the Moon?
A. Because they are Lunaticks.
Q. How may a man use Tobacco that it may do him good?
A. He must keep a Tobacco-shop and sell it.
Q. Why may Tobacco shops be said for to be such dangerous places for to come into?
A. Because there's no man that ever frequented them, but that he smoakt for it.
Q. Why is a Hypocrite said to be odious to God, to man, and to the Devil.
A. God hates him because he is not what he seems; Man hates him because he seems what he is not; and the Devil hates him because he seems not what he is, a very Raskal.
Q. Why are Smiths of all other Trades said to be the most irregular and wicked?
A. For that they never think themselves better employ'd than when they addict themselves to their Vices, according to the old Verse.
I heard that Smug the Smith for Ale and Spice Sold all his Tools, and yet he kept his Vice.
Q. What's the first Commodity a young Shopkeeper puts off?
A. His Honesty.
Q. Why do Souldiers love Beef so well.
A. Because 'tis powder'd.
Q. Why are Musquetiers of all other Souldiers said to be the most lazy?
A. Because they are always at their Rest.
Q. Why do Lawyers-Clerks write such wide Lines?
A. 'Tis done to keep the Peace, for if the Plaintiff
and the Defendant should be in the next, the lines being too close, they might perhaps fall together by the Ears.
Lay John there, lay Lilburn there about,
For if they both should meet they would fall out.
Q. What may a good Client be compared to?
A. A study Gown, that fits in the cold himself to keep his Lawyers warm.
Q. Why did Nature allow of Mercury?
A. To make Alchymists Fools, and covetous men poorer.
Q. Why do we usually say that the Philosophersstone and need to turn all Metals into Gold?
A. Because the study of it turns all a mans Gold into Metal
Q. What is a Prodigal like?
A. A Brush which spends it self to make others go handsome.
Q. Why is a Hangman said to be one of a contemplative life?
A. Because he never goes to work, but he is put in mind of his own end.
Q. Which of the two is more sufferable a Tyrant, or a Hangman?
A. You might as well have said Oliver or Dun; I shall give it clearly for Dun; the Hangman, he executed those that were condemned by Law; but Oliver that High Court of Justice-Devil caused them to be put to death that were innocent without any Law.
Q. How are Painters call'd cunning Fellows?
A. Because they have a Colour for whatsoever they do.
Q. How are Trumpeters said to be subject to sickly Distempers?
A. Because commonly when they are most in health they will fall a sounding.
Q. Of all things that you know which do you esteem most precious?
A. As for the word precious, I look upon it as an Epithite belonging to Stones. I confess I love a Diamond, a Ruby, an Emerald, &c. But above all precious stones, there are none like those which make a perfect man, and a Maid a Mother.
Q. Why do fat men love their ease so much?
A. Because the Soul in a fat body lies soft, and is therefore loath to rise.
Q. Why have many men no Beards?
A. Because they have their pores so great, that the Nutriment wherewith their Hair should be nourished and entertained is consumed of adust and burnt vapours: To the Tune of, Let Simons Beard alone:
Let Simons Beard alone,
For 'tis no disgrace
To spit in his face,
For Beard he never had one.
Q. Wherefore is it that we are for the most part ill conceited of them that have their Hair of one colour and their Beard of another?
A. Martial shall answer for me in his Epigram against Zoilus, Englished thus:
Zoilus red headed and black bearded too;
What squint-eyed and stump-footed in thy shooe?
Thus mark'd, thou art a Knave, or else there's none;
Thou art not good, ten thousand 'tis to one.
Q. Why are Citizens Wives so affected with Hats?
A. Because they love to be covered.
Q. What is the Diet so much esteemed of by Citizens wives?
A. Though they love flesh better than fish, yet for their better varieties they so diet themselves, that at Noon they feed upon Carps, at Night upon Cods-head, and when they go abroad, they are very well pleased with Place.
Q. Why have Hosts usually such red Noses?
A. They are given them by Nature, to shew to the world an experiment of the virtue of what they sell.
Q. Why is a Tooth-drawers said to be an unconscionable Trade?
A. Because he takes away those things whereby every man is said to get his living.
Q. Why are Saylors so seldom rich?
A. Because they are never so well pleased as when they go down the Wind fastest.
Q. Why are Glasiers said to be good Arbitrators?
A. Because they are continually composing of Quarrels; and unfit to be Constables, because they are constant Quarrellers.
Q. Why are Fidlers compared to Camelions?
A. Because they live by the Air.
Q. Why are they called unfortunate men?
A. Because they do all against the Hair.
Q. How are Players said to be Philosophical?
A. Because they are better contented in their Rags, when they get Money by the Beggars-Bush, or the Jovial Crew, then when they act in their best Cloathes a Courtiers Play, though of an Emperour, and it doth not take, to get them so much Money.
Q. How may Coblers be said to be good men?
A. Because they set men upright, and are ever mending of Soles.
Q. Why are Carpenters said to be civil, well informed, and governed men as any in a Commonwealth?
A. Because they never do their business without Rule.
Q. Why are Tapsters said to be well esteemed?
A. Because they are not only of High Calling, but also of great Reckoning.
Q. Why are Printers said to be the most lawless men in a Kingdom?
A. Because they commit Faults cum Privilegio.
Q. Why are Carriers said to be wise men?
A. Because they will not meddle with any thing but they will know of what moment or waight it is.
Q. How is a Cook said to be a man of the worst digestion?
A. Because as soon as he hath eaten his meat, he will be sure to spit it up again.
Q. What Spice doth a City-Sergeant love best?
Q. Why is he that draws Beer not called a Drawer, as well as he that draws wine?
A. Because the Beer makes a man but piss, but 'tis the Wine that makes him draw.
Q. What may a Taylor be chiefly commend for?
A. For one of the most sanctified Members of a Common-wealth; for how many crooked and untoward bodies doth he make streight, that they may be the uprighter in their Lives and Conversations.
Q. Why are Taylors like Woodcocks?
A. Because of their long Bills; and the long time before they are paid, he that pays them is
a Woodcock that doth not make them shorter by the one half, and then they will be long enough in all Conscience.
Q. What is a Drunkard like?
A. A Fool, a Mad man, and a Drowned Man: one Draught too much makes him a Fool, the second makes him a mad man, and a third full Flagon Drowns him; the Crowner is the only man at that time fit to fit upon him.
Q. Why do the eyes of a for the most part water?
A. It proceeds from the humors that the Drink hath engendred in the Brain, wherewith feeling it self loaden, it sendeth the same again to the eyes, which are full of pores, as if they wept he should be such a Beast.
Q. Why do those that are drunk in beholding of one thing think that they see many?
A. This aristh from the continual and sudden motion of the eyes, proceeding from exhalations and vapours; so the jealousie of the Cuckold makes him imagine that there is one a bed with his Wife, when there is only one hid under the Bed; and to imagine there is some body in the room, when he can find none there forsooth, but is good wife and himself.
Q. How doth a Drunkad make himself known to the sober men of this life?
A. By the Pimples of his face, the rich Rubies on his Nose, the redness of his Eyes, the trembling of his Body, the stink of his Breath, and lastly, by his expatiating and staggering, by which he seems to claim a right to the Kings whole high way to tumble, fall, or lie in the Kennel, or any other dirty place where his heavy head weighs him down.
Q. What said the Drunkard to those that peswa¦ded him to pay his money, and not to put himself to so publike disgrace as to sit in the Stocks?
A. Good sober People, quothhe, I thank you kindly, but I shall not do so, few are best, rest you contented, that money I should pay not to sit here, will make me drunk three or four times more.
Q. What difference is there betwixt a Drunkard and a Brewers-horse drawing of a Dray laden with full barrels of Beer?
A. No other, but that the Drunkard hath all the load of drink in his belly, and the Horse all on back.
Q. Why are bitter Almonds eaten in the time of tipling, said to preserve for a good space of time from Drunkenness?
A. Because they dry the body, hinder the filling of the veins, and resist the strength of the Wine; but such as receipts do for the most part obstruct the tender and more friendly operations of Nature are dangerous; the best remedy against Drunkenness is Sobriety. Probatum est.
Q. Why are not Women so soon Drunk; but old folks suddenly oovercome with Wine?
A. Because the Wine remains longer in the stomachs of old People, they being dry by nature; even as the water doth in a trough of wood, dry and half putrifi'd: but women are cold and moist, by means whereof, they do the better resist the force of the wine, and withal they have whisking water-works for evacuation.
Q. What are the Companiens of Bacchus?
A. I shall answer with the Poet for his Drunkards:
Panthers, Tygers, Satyrs, follow Bacchus; (us. Lust, fury, these and the Devil to boot will thwack
Q. Can there be no remedy for this Vice?
A. Plautus was of the mind, that it was easier to dye Ivory to perfect black with Ink, which cannot be; Horace (though he was a Drunkard himself) was of Opinion that a man may sooner part two Bulls in sight, than prevail to stint two Drunkards of their Liquor; they have a Song which signifies no less:
Friends, why do you chide,
And stem my drinking tide,
Thinking to make me sad,
I will, I will be mad, &c.
Q. Who are those that draw death out of which others preserve life?
A. The Drunkard and the Glutton.
Q. What is the pleasure of Drunkenness?
A. Small Beer in the morning.
Q. Whether is a fault committed in Drunkenness to be punished or remitted?
A. He that in Drunkenness committeth any offence is worthy of a double punishment: first, for being drunk, next, for the injury committed; according to the common saying, He that kills a man when he is Drunk, must be hanged when he is sober.
Q. What may come into thy mind by recording of the Musical Vowels, Ut, Re, Me, Fa, Sol, La, M.
A, The Custome of Drunkards when they dnk, they begin to quaff at Ʋt, savingly; and Re, regularly; at Me, marvellously; they hold on to
drink in Fa, familiarity; in Sol, solemnly; but always conclude in La, Mi because the end of Drunkenness is lamentable and miserable.
Q. Why do Drunkards begin from halves te whole ones, and from Pints to Gallons, as if they were at the Discipline of the Old Bayly, from Calves to Bulls and from Bulls to Calves.
A. Not without Reason (till without Reason) for lesser Draughts cannot so soon intoxicate as the great ones: Nature would be disturbed by the greater quantitins of Draughts, but by the lesser (as it were by use) she will bear he greater; as Milo carried his Calf, and by continual Custome carried him till he was an Oxe; and Drunkards are so often from home, that oftentimes before they can reel thither, their foreheads are so branched, that they can scarcely get their Horns in at their own doors.
Q. What Employments, or Places of Command have any of this Society of Drunkards at Sea-service? Who is Admiral amongst them of the narrow Seas?
A. He that utters his Stomach in his next follows Boots.
Q. Who is the Vice-Admiral?
A. He that pisseth under the Table on their Shooes and Stockings.
Q. Who is Master of a Ship?
A. He that is flawed in the Company before the rest.
Q. Who is Masters Mate?
A. He that is the second who is drunk at the Table.
Q. Who is Swabber?
A. He that like a sloven spils his Liquor upon the Table.
Q. Who is Pyrat of the Narrow Seas?
A. He that privately and closely stealeth his Liquor.
Q. Who is Master-Gunner?
A. He that is troubled with the Hickup.
Q. Who is the Cook?
A. He that is still smoaking with a Pipe at his Nose.
Q. Who is Trumpetter?
A. He that belcheth either backward or forword.
Q. What other Officers, have they in Respect and Dignity, Civil or Martial?
A. Every Office is filled and thronged.
Q. What are their Civil Officers, who is their Mayor-Domo or Grand Steward?
A. He that is unruly in his Cups, swaggers, flings Pots and Drawers down stairs, breaks Glasses, and beats the Fidlers about the room.
Q. Who is Mr. Comptroler?
A. He that cuts down signs and bushes.
Q. Who is Principal Secretary?
A. He that wins the favour of his Hostesses-Daughter to lie with her.
Q. Who is Mr. of the Ceremonies?
A. He that stands upon his strength and begins new Healths.
Q. Who is Oliver, or Master of the Novelties?
A. He that begins new frolicks.
Q. Who is a Mr. of Misrule?
A. He that flings Cushions, Napkins, Trenchers, Pint-Pots, Quart-Pots, Tobacco-Pipe, &c. about room.
Q. Who is Mr. of the Wardrobe.
A. He that wanting Money, pawns his Cloak.
Q. Who is Clerk of the Kitching?
A. He that calls for Rashers, pickled Oysters, Anchovies, &c.
Q. Who is Proctor?
A. He that talks much and speaks Nonsense.
Q. Who is Register?
A. He that tells tedious and long Tales.
Q. Who is publlick Notary?
A. He that takes the Tale out of anothers mouth.
Q. What are their Martial Preferments; who amongst them is Colonel of a Regiment?
A. He that drinks in his Boots and gingling Spurs.
Q. Who is Captain of a foot Company?
A. He that drinks in silk Stockings and silk Garters.
Q. Who is Marshal of the Field?
A. He that flings Pottle and Quart-pots down the stairs.
Q. Who is Mr. of the Ordnance?
A. He that begins three Healths together round the Table.
Q. Who is Camp Master?
A. He that calls first for a Looking-glass.
Q. Who is Corporal of the Field?
A. He that washeth the Faggots with pissing in the Chimney.
Q. Who is Drum Major?
A. He that thunders in the room and beats the Drawer.
Q. Who is the Ensign-Bearer?
A. He that looks red and Colours in his drink.
Q. Who is Gentleman of a Company?
A. He that thrusts himself into a Company, and hangs upon others.
Q. Who is Lanspresado?
A. He that keeps Company, and hath but two pence to spend.
Q. Who is Sutler?
A. He that pockets up Gloves, Knives and Handkercheifs.
Q. Who is an old Souldier?
A. He that drinks three days and nights together. Exempli gratia. H.
Q. Who is an Intelligencer?
A. He that swears, and lyes in his drink.
Q. What Orders have they amongst them for their better Government? Who is Tenant amongst them in Fee-simple?
A. He that makes himself a laughing-stock to the whole Company.
Q. Who are Tenants in Dower?
A. When two or three Women meet twice or thrice a week to take a Gossips Cup.
Q. Who is a Free-holder?
A. He whose Wife goes with him to the Alehouse.
Q. Who is Tenant at Will?
A. He whose Wife uses to fetch him home.
Q. Who is Foreman of the Jury?
A. He that ingrosseth all the talk to himself.
Q. What are their Penal Statutes, Forfeitures and Wits?
A. No man ought to call a good Fellow a Drunkard; but at any time he sees a defect in his Neighbour'ow; he may without a forfeit say, he is foxt, he is flaw'd, fluster'd, cup shot, cut in the leg or back, he hath seen the French King, or, His Mother, he hath swallowed a Hare, or White-foot tumbled him backwards, he hath bit his Grannam, he is bit by a barn Weesel, &c.
Q. What is their Writ of, By what Right?
A. If a Drunkard sits long in the Tavern and shall be fetch'd home by his Wife.
Q. What are the Books that they chiefly study.
A. Some of them are of the old Translation as Tankard, the Black-Jack, the Quart-pot rib'd, &c. Those of the New Translation, are, the Tug, Mug, Bottle, Beaker, Single-Cane, or Black-pot, Bran.+dy-bottle, with Pipes ready fill'd with Tobacco
Q. Who is he that studies the Metaphysicks?
A. He that builds Castles in the Air.
Q. Who is he that shudies Cosmography?
A. He that brags of his Travels. Ir. B.
Q. Who is an expert Geometrician?
A. He that reels from one side of the kennel (being led) and falls into the High-way.
Q. Who is a good Navigator?
A. He that going homewards falls in the dirt, or Ditch with a Gown.
Q. What are the Customes of this Learned Society of Drunkards, which they have ordained like the Laws of the Medes and Persians, to be unalterable?
A. Not to drink to any man, if a Woman be in presence. Not to drink to the Tapster, or Drawer, upon pain of drinking twice. To keep the first man, and to know to whom you drink. To have a care to see your self pledg'd. That you see the health go round.
I shall break up School with Anacreon, the Poets drunken Verses.
The parched Earth drinks the Rain,
Trees drink off that ag ain:
Rivers the Se as do quaff,
Sol drinks the Ocean off.
And when the Health is done;
Pale Cynthia drinks the Son.
SONGS In Fashion, Since the publishing the last New Academy of Complements.
Captain Digby's Farewel.
FArewel fair Amida. my Joy & my Grief;
In vain I have lov'd you, and hop'd no relief:
Undone by your Virtue, too strickt and severe;
Your Eyes gave me Love, and you gave me Despair.
Now call'd by my Honour, I seek with content,
The Fate which in pity you would not prevent.
To languish in Love, were to find by delay
A Death, that's more welcome the speediest way.
On Seas, and in Battles, in Bullets, and Fire,
The danger is less, than in hopeless desire.
My deaths-wound you gave me, though far off I were;
My fall from your sight, not to cast you a Tear,
But if a kind Flood or a Wave should convey,
And under your Window my body would lay;
The Wound on my Breast when you happen to see,
You will say with a figh 'twas given by me.
A Lover dying with delight.
WHilst Alexis lay prest, in her arms he lov'd best;
With his hands round her neck, and his head on her breast,
He found the first pleasures too stay,
And his Soul in the Tempest was flying away.
When Celia saw this, with a sigh and a kiss
She cri'd, Oh, my Dear! am I rob'd of my bliss,
'Twas unkind to your love, and unfaithfully done,
To leave me behind you, and die all alone.
The Youth though in hast, and breathing his last,
In pity di'd slowly, whil'st she di'd more fast,
Till at length she cri'd, now my Love, now let us go,
Now die my Alexis, and I will die too.
Thus intranc'd they did lie, till Alexis did try,
To recover more breath, that again he might die,
Thus often they di'd, oh! the more they did so,
The Nymph di'd more quick, and the Shepheard more low.
The Lover in a Quandary.
ALl day do I sit inventing,
While I live so single alone,
Which way to wed to my contenting,
And yet can resolve upon none.
There's a Wench whose Wealth would inrich me.
But she not delights me:
There's a Wench whose wealth doth inrich me.
There's anothers Eyes do bewitch me;
But her fashion frights me.
He that herein
Ha's a Traveller been,
And at length in his longing sped,
What shall I do,
Tell me whom, I shall wooe,
For I long to be lustily Wed.
Shall I with a Widow marry?
No, no, she such watch will bear,
To spy how my self I do carry.
I shall always live in fear:
Shall I to a Maid be a Wooer:
Maydens are lov'd of many:
Knowing not whom to be sure,
Are very unsure to any.
Marry to Youth,
There is love without Truth;
For the Young cannot long be just.
And Age if I prove,
There's Truth without Love,
For the Old are too cold to lust.
An Item for Marriage.
TO Friend and to Foe,
And to all that I know,
That to Marriage estate do prepare;
Remember your days,
In several ways
Are troubled with sorrow and care.
For he that doth look
In the marri'd mans Book
And read but his Items all over,
Shall find them to come
At length to a Sum,
Shall empty Purse, Pocket and Coffer.
In pastimes of Love
When their labours do prove,
And the fruit beginneth to kick;
For this and for that,
And I know not for what,
The Woman must have or be sick.
There's Item set down
For a loose bodi'd Gown;
In her longing you must not deceive her:
For a Bodkin, a Ring,
Or the other fine things,
For a Whisk, a Scarf, or a Beaver.
Deliver'd and well,
Who is't cannot tell;
Thus whil'st the Child lies at the Nipple,
There's Item for Wine
'Mongst Gossips so fine,
And Sugar to sweeten their Tipple.
There's Item, I hope
For Water and Soap,
There's Item for Fire and Candle:
For better and worse,
There's Item for Nurse
The Babe to dress and to dandle.
When swaddled in lap,
There's Item for Pap,
And Item for Pot, Pan, and Ladle;
A Corral with Bells,
Which custome compels,
And Item ten Groats for a Cradle.
With twenty odd Knacks,
Which the little One lacks;
And thus doth ty pleasure bewray thee:
But this is the sport
In Country and Court;
Then let not these Pastimes betray thee.
A Sigh for She knows not what.
TO little or no purpose I spent many days
In ranging the Park, the Exchange, and the Plays;
Yet ne'r in my rambles till now did I prove
So lucky, to meet with the man I could love.
Now oh! how I'm pleas'd to think of the man
That I find I must love, let me do what I can.
How long I shall love him, I can no more tell
Than had I a Feaver, when I should be well;
My passion shall kill me before I will shew it;
And yet I would give all the World he did know it.
Then oh! how I sigh! when I think he should wooe me;
I cannot deny, what I know, would undo me.
The pleasant Dream.
LAst night I dreamed of my Love,
When sleep did overtake her,
It was a ptetty drowsie Rogue,
She slept, I durst not wake her.
Her Lips were like to Corral, red,
A thousand times I kist'em;
And a thousand mere I might have stoll'n,
She never could have mist'em.
Her crisped Locks like threds of Gold
Hung dangling or'r the Pillow;
Great pity was that one fair,
Should ever wear th'Green-willow.
I folded down the Holland-sheet,
A little below her Belly;
But what I did you ne'r shall know,
Nor is it meet to tell yee.
Her Belly's like to yonder Hill,
Some call it Mount of Pleasure;
And underneath there springs a Well,
Which no mans depth can measure.
Not a Word of the Pudding.
Y'Are undone, ye Women in Town,
If with speed you prevent not your ruine:
The pride of your Flesh must come down,
Here are Plots and severe ones a brewing.
Whil'st like Cats you play with your Tails,
To be thought to care little for ours:
Youmind not how drinking prevails,
And much lessens the value of yours.
Inflam'd with our Wine, we disdain
To remember the Chains we have worn,
And till you dou do prize them again,
Your repentance shall equal your scorn.
You may think, Dear Hearts, what you please,
We're resolv'd to dispute your Commands.
Until we bring — on her Knees,
Not a — shall be kind, though it stands.
The Womens Answer.
Y'Are deceiv'd in your Plots and your Tricks,
To think to rob us of our pleasure:
Since we rais'd up the pride of your —
Upon Hector and Huff without measure.
You Pimps, you can sooner be damn'd,
Than to live a whole Lent upon Fish.
Drink on Bully-Fops, and be drunk,
Be mad, and profuse of your Coin;
That leads you the way to your Punk;
'Tis the only effects of good Wine.
But then if your spirits should move,
You'd be glad to make us amends;
And rather than lose what you love,
You'd be glad to kiss — and be friends.
THe Pot and the Pipe, the cup and the Can,
Have quite undone, quite undone many a man.
The Hawk & the Hound, the Dice, & the Whore,
Have quite undone, quite undone as many more.
The flames of Desire.
DO not ask me charming Phillis,
Why I lead you here alone,
By this bank of Pinks and Lillies,
And of Roses newly blown.
'Tis not to behold the beauty
Of those Flowers which crown the Spring:
'Tis to — but I know my duty,
And dare never name the thing.
'Tis at worst but her denying,
Why should I thus fearful be;
Every minute gently flying,
Smiles, and says, make use of me.
What the Sun do's to those Roses
Whilst the Beams play sweetly in;
I wu'd — but my fear opposes,
And I dare not name the thing.
Yer I die, if I conceal it,
Ask mine eyes, or ask your own;
And if neither dare reveal it,
Think what Lovers think alone.
On this bank of Pinks and Lillies,
Might I speak what I wu'd do
I wu'd with my lovely Phillis,
I wu'd, I wud, ah, wu'd you.
The Art of loving.
COme hither young Sinner,
Thou raw young beginner;
I'le shew thee if thou canst understand me,
All the ways of a Wench,
Be she English or French,
More than Ovid, de Anti Amandi:
I'le reach thee to know
Borh the who, and the how,
And the when, and the where to delight;
If she simper or Saint it,
Or patch it or paint it,
I'le warrant thee, Boy, she is right.
If she jigg with her Thighs,
Or twinkle with her Eyes,
She bids you come on, if you like her;
If without joys or fears,
She can laugh and shed tears;
'Tis the only true trick of a Striker:
If she sighs when she speaks,
Or doth use many freaks,
She is deeply in love, by this light;
If you tread on her Toe,
And she answer thee so,
I'le warrant, &c.
She'l smile, and she'l frown,
She'l laugh and lie down,
At every turn you must tend her:
She'l peep in her Glass,
And dispraise her own Face,
On purpose that you may commend her:
With Love-tales and Fancies
Pickt out of Romances,
She'l angle to try if you'l bite.
If she speak in a passion,
Or make application.
I'le warrant, &c.
If she stand at a distance,
There is no resistance;
Her very retreat is a Call:
She'l stare in your Eyes,
Like a Pyrate for a Prize;
As if she would say, have at all.
She'l shew you her brew,
To guess at the rest,
The Fountain of Love and delight:
If she sit in thy lap,
Beware of a trap.
I'le warrant, &c.
She'l hit and she'l miss,
She'l be coy, and she'l kiss,
To try and find out what you are:
One action shall say,
Pray Sir, go away;
And another, Come on, if you dare:
She'l give you a glance,
Like Heav'n in a trance,
No Diamond nor Saphir so bright.
If she drink Wine and Burrage.
And kiss with a courage.
I'le warrant, &c.
She'l set you more snares,
Than her tire hath hairs;
She's subtle and swift in invention:
If you jest and mean loosly,
Though ne'r so reclusely,
She'l shew you her quick apprehension:
Her Plots are abounding,
She fits hath of sounding;
If she call on your name in the fight,
Blind Cupid hath hit her,
And you too may fit her.
I'le warrant, &c.
When Nol stole the Scepter,
She canted in Scripture,
And went to St. Antholines Lecture:
But now she doth trade,
Like a right Reformade,
And is a Decoy for the Hectors.
She'l swear she is free
From all men but thee,
And blush like a Bride the first night.
If she squint through her hood,
'Tis to heighten thy blood.
I'le warrant, &c.
Her turne and her windings,
Are past your out-findings.
She hath so many changeable tempers:
She'l give you a look,
Like a Virgin forsook,
With another Command like an Empress:
This sign never misses,
If she squeak when she kisses,
And glimmers like Stars in the night:
If she give thee a trip
With her lose lower-lip,
I'le warrant, &c.
She'l kiss and cry Quarter,
Unlosen her Garter,
That you may take't up as a favour;
When you ty't on again,
She'l cry, What d'ye mean:
Y'are a man of a loose behaviour:
Yet thus will she play,
To direct you the way
To the Center and seat of delight:
If she's troubled with qualms,
And sweat in the palms,
I'le warrant, &c.
She'l bid you forbear,
Y'are uncivil, my Dear,
She tempts in her very denial s
When tongue cries, Be gone;
Her looks cry, Come on,
The ticklings are only for trials:
When Rams do retreat;
More courage they get;
And tilt wit with redoubled might:
No sight can so move,
As the Landskip of Love.
I'le warrant, &c.
She'l give you to wear
A bracelet of Hair,
And that as a fetter she'l lock on:
But let me perswade ye,
One hair of a Lady,
Will draw more than ten Team of Oxen.
Thus have I in brief,
Told the marks of the Thief,
That filches affection by slight:
But if she prevail,
Thou'rt a slave in a Goal,
And Honour will bid thee good night.
CAlm was the Evening, and clear was the Sky,
And new budding Flowers did spring,
When all alone went Amintas and I
To hear the sweet Nightingal sing.
I sate, and he laid him down by me,
And scarcely his breath he could draw;
But when with a fear,
He began to come near,
He was dasht with an ah ah, ah.
He blusht to himself, and lay still for a while,
And his modesty curb'd his desire,
But streight I convinc'd all his fears with a smile,
Which added new flames to his fire.
Ah, Sylvia! said he, you are cruel,
To keep your poor Lover in awe;
Then once more he prest,
With his hands to my brest,
But was dasht with on ah, ah, ah.
I knew 'twas his passion caus'd all his fear,
And therefore I pitied his case;
I whisper'd him softly, there's no body near,
And laid my cheek close to his face:
But as he grew bolder,
A Shepherd came by us, and saw;
And just as our bliss
Began with a kiss,
He burst out with ha, ha, ha, ha,
I bad him be quiet for fear of the Swain,
And follow me down to the Grove,
Where we crope in a Cave, and chatter'd again,
The dangers that prosecute Love,
He plaid with my pretty white shooe-strings;
My legs he did tickle and claw;
But do what I cou'd,
Yet he forced my blood,
And I squeek't with an ha, ha, ha.
The small of my leg he did prettily praise,
And my calf that so roundly did rise;
I wink'd and I frown'd at his foolish delays,
Which made him skip up to my thighs:
He plaid with my soft panting Belly;
I bad to his fingers no law:
But when he did touch
What he loved so much,
He burst out with an ha, ha, ha.
A Song of Nothing.
I'Le Sing you a Sonnet that ne're was in Print,
'Tis truly and newly come out of the Mint,
I'l tell you before-hand, you'l find nothing in't.
On nothing I think, and on nothing I write,
'tis nothing I court, yet nothing I slight,
Nor care I pin, if I get nothing by't.
Fire, Air, Earth, and water, beasts, birds, fish and men,
Did start out of nothing, a Chaos, a Den;
And all things shall turn into nothing again.
'Tis nothing sometimes makes many things hit
As when fools among wise men do silently sit,
A fool that says nothing, may pass for a Wit.
What one man loves is another mans loathing,
This Blade loves a quick thing, that loves a slow thing,
And both do in the conclusion love nothing,
Your Lad that makes love to a delicate smooth thing,
And thinking with sighs to gain her and soothing,
Frequently makes much ado about nothing.
At last when his patience and purse is betra'id,
He may to the bed of a Whore be betray'd;
But she that hath nothing, must need be a Maid.
Your slashing, and clashing, and slashing of wit,
Doth start out of nothing, but Fancie and fit;
'Tis little or nothing to what hath been writ.
When first by the ears we together did fall,
Then something got nothing, and nothing got all;
From nothing it came, and to nothing it shall.
That party that seal'd to a Cov'nant in haste,
Who our 3 Kingdoms, and Churches lie waste;
Their project, and all came to nothing at last.
They raised an Army of Horse and Foot,
To tumble down Monarchy, Branches and Root;
They thunder'd and plunder'd, but nothing would do 't.
The organ, the altar, and Ministers clothing
In Presbyter Jack begot such a loathing,
That he must needs raise a petty New nothing.
And when he had rob'd us in sanctifi'd clothing
Perjur'd the people by faithing and trothing;
At last he was catch't, and all came to nothing.
In several Factions we quarrel and brawl,
Dispute, and contend; and to fighting we fall;
I'le lay all to nothing, that nothing wins all.
When war and rebellion, and plundering grows,
The Mendicant man is freest from foe s,
For he is most happy hath nothing to lose.
Brave Caesar and Pompey, and Great Alexander,
Whom Armies follow'd as Goose follows Gander,
Nothing can say 'tis an action of slander.
The wisest great Prince, were he never softout,
Though conquer the world, & give mankind a rout,
Did bring nothing in, nor shall bring nothing out.
Old Nol that arose from Low-thing to High-thing,
By brewing Rebellion, Micking, & Frothing,
In sev'n years distance was all things and nothing.
Dick. (Olivers Heir) that pitiful slow-thing,
Who was once invested with purple-cloathing,
Stands for a Cypher, and that stands for nothing.
If King killers bold are excluded from bliss,
Old Bradshaw (that feels the reward on't by this)
Had better been nohing, than what now he is.
Blind Collonel Hewson, that lately did crawl
Te lofty degree, from a low Coblers stall,
Did bring Aul to nothing, when Aul came to all.
Your Gallant that Rants in delicate clothing,
Though lately he was but a pitiful low-thing,
Pays Landlord, Draper and Taylor with nothing.
The nimble-tongu'd Lawyer that pleads for his pay
When death doth arrest him & bear him away,
At the Gen'ral Bar will have nothing to say.
Whores that in silk were by Galants embrac't,
By a rabble of Prentices lately were chac't,
Thus courting, and sporting comes to nothing at last.
If any man tax me with weakness of wit,
And say that on nothing, I nothing have writ;
I shall answer, ex nihilo nihil fit.
Yet let his discreetion be never so tall,
This very word nothing shall give it a fall;
For writing of nothing, I comprehend all.
Let every man give the Poet his due,
'Cause then it was with him as now it's with you;
He studi'd it when he had nothing to do.
This very word nothing, if took the right way,
May prove advantageous, for what would you say,
If the Vintner should cry, there is nothing to pay.
A Catch, of Something,
WIll it please you to hear a fine Ditty,
In praise of a six footed Creature,
That lives both in Countrey and City:
She is wonderous loving by nature,
She profereth her service to any,
She'le stick fast but that she'le prevail:
She is entertained by many,
Till death, no master will fail.
She'l venter as far in the Battle,
As any Commander that goes:
She commonly plays Jack-a-both sides,
She cares not a for her Foes;
For she is sure to be shot free,
To kill her no Sword will prevail;
But if she be taken pris'ner,
She's crushed to death with a nail.
She perfectly hates a neat Laundress,
And all those that set her on work;
For all her delights in foul linnen,
In the seams she doth privately lurk:
For she's for him that's non-suited,
Or any good Fellow that lacks.
She will be as good Friend to him,
As his shirt that sticks to his back.
More plainly I cannot describe her,
For she had her beginning at first;
She Sprung from the Loyns of great Pharoah,
And that by his Queen she was nurst:
But if you should be displeased,
It is but in vain for to fight her;
I have no more now to say of her,
But that she is a back-biter.
WHen Aurelia first I courted,
She had youth and beauty too,
Killing pleasures when she sported,
And her Charms were ever new;
Conquering Time doth now deceive her
Which her glories did uphold,
All her Arts can ne're retrieve her,
Poor Aurelia's growing old.
The airy Spirits which invited,
Are retir'd, and move no more;
And those Eyes are now benighted,
Which were Comets heretofore.
Want of these abate her merits,
Yet I've passion for her name,
Only kind and am'rous Spirits
Kindle and maintain a flame.
A New Song.
ALl the flatt'ries of Fate,
And the pleasures of state,
Are nothing so sweet, as what Love does create.
If this you deny,
'Tis time I should die,
Kind Death's a Reprive if you threaten to hate:
In some close shady Grove,
Will I wander and rove
With the Nightingal, and Disconsolate Dove,
With down-hanging Wing,
I will mournfully sing,
The tragick Events of unfortunate Love.
With our plaints wel'l conspire,
To heighten Loves fire.
Still vanquishing life, till at length we'll expire.
And when I am dead,
In a cold leasie Bed,
Be interr'd with the Dirge of a desolate Quire.
I'Le go to my Love where he lies in the deep,
And in my embraces my dearest shall sheep,
When we wake, the kind Dolphins together shall throng,
And in Chariot of Shells shall draw us along.
The Orient hath Pearls, whith the Ocean bestows,
And mixed with Coral a Crown to compose
Though the Sea-nymphs do spite us, and even our bliss,
We will teach them to love, & the Cockles to kiss.
For my Love lies now in watry Grave,
And hath nothing to shew for his Tomb but a Wave,
I'le kiss his dear Lips than the Coral more red,
Thar grows where he lies in his watry Bed.
Ah, Ah, Ah, my Love's dead;
There's not a Bell,
But a Triton's Shell,
To ring, to ring out his Knell.
I Pass all the Night in a shady old Grove,
But I live not the day that I see not my Love;
I survey ev'ry walk now my Phillis is gone,
And sigh when I think we were there all alone:
O then 'tis, O then 'tis, I think there's no Hell,
Like loving, like loving too well.
But each Grove, and each conscious Bank when I find,
Where I once happy, and she hath been kind,
And spy where her print in the green doth remain,
And imagine the pleasures may yet come again;
O then 'tis, O then 'tis, I think no joys above,
Like the pleasures, the pleasures of Love.
But while I repeat to my self all her charms,
She I love may be lock'd in another mans arms,
She may laugh at my cares, and so false may she be,
To say all the kind things, she before said to me,
O then, 'tis, O then, 'tis I think there's no Hell,
Like loving, like loving too well.
But when I consider the truth of her heart,
Such innocent passion so kind without Art,
I fear I have wrong'd her, and hope she may be,
So full of true love, to be jealous of me.
O then 'tis, O then 'tis, I think it no Joys above,
Like the pleasures, the pleasures of Love.
The Thief-Ketchers Song.
Good People give ear whil'st a Story I tell,
Of twenty black Tradesmen were brought up in hell,
On purpose poor people to rob of their due
There's none shall noozed, if you find but one true;
The first was a Coyner that stampt in a Mould,
The second a Voucher to put off his Gold:
Tour you well,
Hark you well,
See where they are rub'd,
Ʋp to the Nubbing-Cheat,
And there they're nubb'd.
The the third was a Padder, that fell to decay;
And vvhen he was living, took to the High way.
The fourth is a Mill-ken, to crack up a Door;
He'll venture to rob both the Rich and the Poor,
The fifth is a Glasier, who when he creeps in:
To pinch all the Lurry, he thinks it no sin.
Tour you well, &c.
The sixth is a Foyl-cloy, that not one Hick spare.
The seventh is a Budge, to track up the stairs:
The eighth is a Bulk, that can bulk any hick;
If the Master be napt, then bulk he is sick.
The ninth is a Ginny, to lift up a Grate;
If he sees but the Lurry, with his hooks he will bate.
Tour you well, &c.
Th tenth is a Shoplist that carries a Bob,
When he ranges the City the Shops for to rob.
The eleventh is a Bubber, much used of late,
He goes to the Alehouse, & steals there the Plate.
The twelfth a Trapan, if a Cull he doth meet,
He nips all his Cole, and turns him i'th' street.
Tour you well, &c.
The thirteenth a Famble, false Rings for to sell,
When a Mob he has bit, his Cole he will tell.
The fourteenth a Gamester, if he sees the Hic sweet,
He presentry drops down a Cog in the street.
The fifteenth a Prancer, vvhose courage is small;
If they catch him horse-coursing he's noozed for al.
Tour you well, &c.
The sixteenth a She-napper, vvhose Trade's so deep,
If he's caught in the Corn, he's mark'd for a sheep.
The seventeenth a Dun-aker, that vvill make vows,
To go in the Countrey, and steal all the Cows.
The eighteenth a Kid-napper, Spirits young men,
Though he tip them the piks, they nap him agen.
Tour you well, &c.
The nineteenth is a Prigger of the Cacklers,
Goe. into the Countrey to visit the Farmers,
He steals their Poultry, and thinks it no sin,
When into the Hen-roost i'th' night he gets in.
The twentieth a Thief-catcher, so we him call,
If he nap a poor Tradesman, he pays for all.
Tour you well, &c.
There's many more Craftsmen which I could name,
That do use such like trades, yet think it no shame:
These may a young Convert confess to his grief,
Are all the black Trades of a Gentleman Thief:
Who though a good Workman, is seldom made free,
Till he rides on a Cart to be nooz'd on a Tree.
Tour you well,
Hark you well,
See where they are rub'd,
Ʋp to Nubbing-Cheat,
And there they're nubb'd.
THE EPILOGUE: OR, Vices SAD CATASTROPHE.
THe better hap a man hath to attain to Riches, the more he is accursed, in being more tormented with the feavers of the mind and unquietness. This Vice is held to be the root of all evil, lacking as well those things which it enjoyeth, as which it wanteth.
THe Scithians only make no use of Gold and Silver, for ever detesting and condemning the monstrous sin of covetousness. Solinus.
Caligula, was so covetous, that there was no kind of lucre, or mean to get money by, how unlawful soever it were, which he sought not out, insomuch as he laid a tribute upon Urine, and sold his Sisters Gowns, whom he had sent into banishment. Valeius.
Calipha, King of Persia, having filled a Tower with Gold, Jewels, and precious Stores, and being in war with Allan King of Tarary, was so ill succoured of his own people, because he would not give them their pay, that he was taken of Allan, and famished in that Tower where all his Treasure lay.
Dionysius the Elder, advertised of one that had hid great store of money, commanded him upon pain of death to bring it to him, which he did, although not all; but with the remainder dwelt in another place, & bestowed it upon an Inheritance, when Dionysius heard thereof, he sent him that which he took from him, saying, Now thou knowest how to use riches, take that I had from thee.
Hermocrates, ready to die, bequeathed his goods to himself.
One at the hour of his death, swallowed many pieces of God, and sewed the rest in his Coat, commanding that it should be buried with him Atheneus.
One besieged in the Tower of Cassilino by Hannibal, chose rather to sell a Rat which he had aken for 200 Roman pence, than to satisfie hi hunger, whereof he died raight after, but the other saved his life by that dear meat. Valerius.
The Popes Camera, or Eschequer, is like unto the Sea, wherein to all Rivers do run, and yet it overflweth not. P. Martyr.
The old Clergy being asked why they cannot live by 〈…〉 liness but by covetousness, answered, Nunc aliud tempus, alii pro tempore mores. Polychr.
Demonica betrayed Ephesus to Brennus of Senona for Gold, who demanded her reward of him, who brought her to a great heap of gold, and loaded her so heavy therewith, that she died under the burden.
Euclio, had hidden such treasure under the ground, that he durst go out of his house for fear of robbing, nor tarry in it for fear of killing. Plautus.
Adrian, sirnamed Sophista, when a neighbour of his had sent him a few dainty fishes, for a present in a silver dish; he took both the silver dish and the fishes, saying to the Messenger, Thank thy Master, and tell him, I take his fishes for Novelties, and his silver dish for a present.
Simonides, when he was requested to do any thing gratis, id est, for nothing, said, That he had two Chests, the one shut up for thanks, the other open for money. Plut.
Vespasian, when he heard that a silver Image of great substance should be made for a Monument of his worthiness, he straight held out his hand, saying, Behold, here is a place ready to set an Image, a sure foundation from falling.
Vespasian, of pure misery, niggardship, and covetousness, commanded in Rome to be made publike places to receive Urine, not to keep the City more sweet, but to the end they should give him more rent. Suetouius.
Simonides, being demanded why he hooded up
money towards the end of his old age, Becausequoth he) I had rather leave my goods to mine enemies, than to have need of the relief of my friends while I am alive.
Virgil, in his sixth book of Aeneiads, putteth those persons in Hell, which have done no good to their friends, kinsfolk, and neighbours, but have been wholly wedded to their riches, without imparting them to others. Virgil.
Ochus, King of Persia, would never go into the Countrey of Perseland, because that by the Law of the Realm, he was bound to give to every woman that had born children, one French crown, and to every woman with child two.
Plato, thought it almost impossible, for a man very rich to be honest, yet Solon as wise as he, desired to have riches, but not to get them by wrong. Plut.
Anacreon, having received of Polycrates five talents for a gift, was so much troubled for the space of two nights with care, how he might keep them, and how to imploy them best, that he carried them back again, saying, That they were not worth the pins he had already taken for them.
Socrates, being sent for by K. Archelaus, to come and receive store of Gold, sent him word that a measure was sold in Athens for a penny double; and that water cost him nothing.
Lycrgus, abrogated the use of Gold and Silver coyn, and appointed Iron money to be currant, by this means he banished from them the desire of Riches.
Caligula, took of every Curtezan, as much of her gain as she could get of any man at once.
Pertinax, being advanced to the degree of Emperor, did not forget his niggardliness, but parted
Lettice and Arichooks in two, that the one half might be for his dinner, and the other for his Supper. Eutropius.
The Parsimony of Fabritius, is not to be condemned, for the age wherein he lived, ought to excuse him, in the which all magnificence was unknown to the Romans.
Justinian the Emperor, for himself procured Riches, and for the Devil he cheapned Souls, he was covetous, and maintained the heresie of the Pelagians.
Epimenides, curse of Riches was, that all the Treasures hoarded up by the covetous, should be wasted by the prodigal.
The Romans, and the Carthaginians, were friends a long time, but after they knew there was in Spain great mines of Gold and Silver, immediately arose between them Civil Wars. P. Diaconus.
Darius, being very rich and covetous, sent to Alexander in scorn, to know where he had treasure to maintain such an Army, who answered, Tell thy Master that he keepth in his Coffes his Treasures of Metals. and I have no other Treasure than the hearts of my friends. Plutarch.
Angelot, a Cardinal, was so covetous. that by a false door he descended into the Stable, and every night stole away the Oates which his Horse-keepers had given his Horses, and continued it so long, till one of the Horse-keepers hiding himself in the stable, did so belabour him with a Pikefork, that he had much adoe to crawl away. J. Pontanus.
In this Vice, Wit, Ʋnderstanding, Wisdom, and all honest endeavours are buried, as it were in a grave, from which ariseth the loathsome stench of corrupt maners and disordered life, making of men women, of women beasts, of beasts monsters.
ALexander, an Emperor of the East, given to to great idleness, demanded if he had long to live, they answered him, Yea, If he could take away the teeth of a brazen Boar that stood in the Market-place; meaning thereby, that he should shorten his days, except he gave over his idleness. Zonarus.
A Senator of Rome, who was falured by an other, riding in his Chariot, answered, I will not say God save you, since in going thus at your ease, you shew you have no desire to live long.
Epaminondas, discharged all his Souldiers that grew fat, saying, That as a woman too fat doth not easily conceave, so doth fat hinder a man from doing his charge, as Arms which are too heavy.
Scipio, being arrived at his Camp, banished all Souldiers slaves, and Pages, and all unprofitable people, and made each one to carry his own Armour.
The Sabies, having abundance of all kind of Riches, spent their times slothfully.
The Nabathies, having nothing but what they get by their virtue and labour, are good husbands, and abandon all idleness,
Metellus, when he was arrived in Africa, he took away whatsoever might seem to norih slothfulness, and caused Proclamation to be made, that
none should presume to sell either bread or any other food dressed; that the Carriers of water should not follow the Camp, that the Souldiers should have no Pages, no Beasts of Carriage, that each one should keep his rank, cast his Trench, and carry his Victuals together with his Furniture. Salust.
In the Islands named Balares in Spain the Children might not eat, untill they with their slings they had strucken down their meat, which their Parents used o set for them upon an high beam or pool. Pliny.
Epaminondas killed one of his Souldiers being asleep, that was set to watch, saying, that he left him in the same estate that he found him.
The Kings of Persia and Macedonia, were every morning awaked, to put them in mind to take care of that which God had committed to their charge. Herodo.
At certain Games of Olympus, there came a Philosopher of Thebes, which had made all the apparel he wore himself; the Assembly marvelling that one could do all this; he answered, The sloth of man is the cause that one Art is divided into divers; for e that knoweth all Arts together, must needs know one alone. He was reputed a valn glorious Philsopher.
More hurtful was the City of Carthage to Rome after her destruction, than during the whole course and season of Wars which the Romans had with her; for that whilest they had enemies in Africk, they knew not what vices meant in Rome. Gue¦vara.
The great Numantia in Spain could never be won (notwithstanding fourteen years siege of the Romans) till Scipio purged his Camp of loyterers,
perfumers, and Harlots.
Darius plunged the Babylonis in all manner of idlenes, that they might not have the heart afterward to rebel.
The same policie used Cimon to diminish the force of his Allies, by granting them whatsoever they required.
The carelesness and negligence of Dionysius the Younger, getting the upper-hand of him, carried him to women and lechery, and at length did break in sunder his Adamant chains; that is, the greatnumber of his warlike Souldiers, and his store of Gallies, of whom his Father had boasted that he left his Kingdom fast chained to his Son.
Sardanapalus through his slothfulnes was overcome by Artabactus, and lost the Monarchy of Assyria.
The Pheacons counted it the greatest felicity that might be, to do nothing, .
The Romans used to punish idleness so sharply, that the husbandman whose ground was found barren, and his pastures unoccupied, was presently put from the place, and his ground given to another man.
Macarius and Diogenes, for that they would not be accounted idle persons, the one would remove heaps of sand from place to place, and the other would tumble his tub up and down.
Augustus did win the Souldiers unto him with rewards, the common sort with plenty of Victuals, and all generally with the pleasure of ease. Tacitus.
When Augustus reproached a certain Player becayse through his occasion there was a tumult among the people, he answered, It is good for thee, O Casar, that the people be with held by our idle exercises, from busying their brains about other matters.
This deadly enemy to health, replenisheth the body with Humors, Wind, Inflammations, Distillations and Operations; and change of Meats draweth pleasure out of the bounds of sufficiencie; Pleasure, in all things which pleaseth, where as in simple and uniform things, delight never exceedeth the appetite and natural necessity.
THe Arigentines builded as though they should always live, and did seed as though they should always die. Plato.
The Emperor Septimus Severus and Jovinianus died with eating and drinking too much.
Valentinianus a famous Emperor, died suddenly of a surset.
Lucullus being asked one day by his Servant, whom he had invited to his feast, seeing so much meat prepared? answered, Lucullus shall dine with Lucallus. Plut.
Vitellius Spinter, was so much given to gluttony and excess, that at one supper, he was served with two thousand several kind of fishes, and with 7000 flying Fowl.
Muleasses King of Tennis, after he was deprived of his Kingdom, in his return out of Almaign, being without hope that the Emperor Charles the fifth would help him at all, he spent one hundred Crowus upon a Peacock dressed for him.
Maximilian the Emperor devoured in one day forty pounds of flesh, and drunk an hogshead of Wine.
Geta the Emperor, for three days together continued his Festival, and his delicates were brought
in by order of the Alphabet.
Astydamas being invited by Ariobarzanes to a Banquet, eat up all that alone, which was provided for divers Guests.
There was a Contention between Hercules and Lepreas which of them both should-first devour an Oxe, in which attempt Lepreas was overcome; afterwards he challenged him for drinking, but Hercules was his Master.
Aglais, whose practise was to sound the Trumpet, devoured at every meal twelve pounds of flesh, with as much bread, as two bushels of wheat would make, and three gallons of Wine.
Philoxenes, a notorious glutton, wished he had a neck like a Crane, that the sweet meat which he eat might be long in going down. Ravisius.
Lucullus at a solemn and costly feast he made to certain Embassadors of Asia, among other things, he did eat a Griph boiled, and a Goose in paste.
Lucullus took great pains himself in furnishing of a Feast, and when he was asked why he was so curious in setting out a banquet, he answered That there was as great disrcetion to be used in marshlling of a Feast, as in the ordering of a Battle, that the one might be terrible to his enemies, and the other acceptable to his friends. Plut.
In Rhodes, they that love fish, are accounted right courteous, and free-hearted men, but he that delighteth more in flesh, is ill thought of, and to his great shame is reputed a bondslave to his belly.
Sergius Galba was a devouring and gluttonous Emperor, for he caused at one banquet seven thousand birds to be killed.
Xerxes having tasted of the figs of Athens, sware by his Gods that he would eat no other all his life after, and went forthwith to prepare an Army to
conquer Grecia, for no other cause but to fill his belly full of the figs of that Countrey.
The Sicilians dedicated a Temple to Gluttony, and erected Images to Bacchus and Ceres, the God and Goddes of Wine and Corn.
M. Manlius, in times past made a Book of divers ways how to dress meat, and another of the tastes, sauces and divers means of services, which were no sooner published, but by the decree of the Senate, they were burned, and if he had not fled speedily into Asia, he had been burned with them.
There was a Law in Rome called Fahia, by which it was prohibited, that no man should dispend in the greatest Feast he made, above an hundred Sextexterces.
Nisoeus a Tirant of Syracuse, when he understood by his Soothsayers that he had not long to live, what he had left, he spent in belly-chear and drunkenness, and so died.
Mar. Anthonius set forth a book of his drunkenness, in which he proved those pranks when he was overcome with wine, to be good and lawful.
Darius had written upon his grave this inscription; I could drink store of Wine, and bear it well.
Ptolomey, who in a mockery was called Philopater, because he put to death his Father and Mother, through wine and women died like a beast.
Aruntius a Roman, being drunken, deflowred his own Daughter Medullina, whom he forthwith killed.
Tiberius Caesar was preferred to a Pretorship, because of his excellencie in drinking.
Diotimus, was sirnamed Funnel, or Tunnel, be cause he gulped down wine through the channel of his Throat, which was poured into a Funnel, the end whereof was put into his mouth, with out interposition between gulps.
In the Feast of Bacchus a Crown of Gold was appointed for him that could drink most.
Cleio a woman, was so practised in drinking, that she durst challenge all men and women whatsoever, to try masteries who could drink most, and overcome all.
Cleomenes King of Lacedemonia, being disposed to carouse after the manner of the Scythians, drank so much, that he became and continued e ver after senceless.
Cyrillus Son, in his drunkenness, wickedly slew that holy man his Father, and his mother great with Child, he hurt his two sisters, and deflowred one of them.
Androcides a Gentleman of Greece, hearing of Alexanders excess in Drunkenness, wrote a Letter to him, wherein was a Tablet of Gold, with these words thereon engraven, Remember Alexander when thou drinkest wine, that thou doest drink the blood of the earth.
Those of Gallia Transalpina, understanding that the Italians had planted Vines in Italy, came to conquer their Countrey; so that if they had never planted Vines, the French-men had not demanded the Countrey.
Four old Lombards being at Banquet together, the one drank an health round to the others years, in the end they challenged two to two, and after each man had declared how many years old he was, the one drank as many times as he had years, and likewise his companion pledged him, the one was 58. the second 63. the third 87. the last 92. so that a man knoweth not what they did eat or drink; but he that drank least, drank 5. cups of Wine.
T is bewitching evil, being an unbridled appetite, in whomsoever it reigneth, killeth all good motions of the mind, alteretr, drieth, and weakneth the body, shortning life, diminishing Memory, and Ʋnderstanding.
CYrena, a notorius strumpet, was sirnamed Dode camechana, for that she found out and invented and found out twelve several ways of beastly pleasure.
Proculeius the Emperour, of an hundred Sarmatian Virgins he took captive, he deflowred ten the first night, and all the rest within fifteen dayes after.
Hercules in one night deflowred fifty.
Johannes à Casa, Archbishop of Benevento, and Legate in Venice, writ a Book in praise of the abominable vice of Sodomitry.
Sigismund Malatesta, strived to have carnal knowledge of his Son Rohert, who thrustinst his dagger into his Fathers bosom, revenged his wickedness.
Cleopatra, had the use of her brother Ptolomeus company, as of her husbands.
Antiochus stayd a whole winter in Chalcidea, for one maid which he there fancied.
Lust was the cause of the Wars between the Romans and the Sabines.
Thalestris Queen of the Amazons came 25 days journey to lie with Alexander.
Adultery in Germany is never pardoned.
Messalina and Popilia were so incontinent, that they contended with most shameful harlots, prostituting
themselves without respect of time place, or company, to any, though never so base.
Claudius deflowred his own sisters, and Semiramis burned in beastly lust towards her son Ninus.
Nero caused Atticus a Roman Consul to be slain, that he might the more conveniently enjoy the company of his wife
Commodus, not contented with his three hundred Crncubines, committed incest with his own sisters.
Caligula did the like, but the one was slain by his wife, the other by his Concubine.
Adultery was the cause of the first alteration of the City of Rome.
Sempronia a woman, well learned in the Greek, and Sappho, no less famous, defended luxury and last by their writings.
Cleopatra invited Anthony to a Banquet in the Province of Bithinia in the wood Sesthem, where, at one instant, of threescore young Virgins, fifty and five were made Mothers.
Cleophis a Queen of Tridia, saved her Kingdom and Subjects from destruction, by a nights ldging with Alexander, by whom she had a Son called Alexander, who was afterward King of India; she was ever after called Scortum Reginum.
Helogabalus, not only deflowred, but also married a Virgin Vestal, saying it was reason that Priests should marry Nuns, because that in times past he had been Priest of the Sun.
Jane Quen of Naples was hanged up for her advoutry, in the very same place where she had had hanged her husband Andreas afore, because he was not (as she said) able to satisfie her beastly desire.
Feron King of Egypt had been blind ten years,
and in the eleventh the Oracle told him that he should recover his sight, if he washed his eyes in the water of a woman which never had to do t any but her husband; whereupon, he first made l of his wwif, ha did him no good; after, insinite oh which did him all as little, five only one, by he recovered his sight, and then he put 〈…〉 death.
Julia he Daug r〈…〉 so immodest, shameless, and ch〈…〉mperour was never able to reclaim her; 〈…〉 admnished to forsake her ba〈…〉, and to fllow chastity as her Father did, answered, That her ather forgot he was Casar, but as for her self, she knew well enough that she was Casars Daughter.
Cornelius Gallus, and Q. Elerius two Roman Knights, died in the very action of their filthy lust.
Arichbertus, eldest Son unto Letharius King of France, died even as he was embracing his whores.
Alcibiades was burned in his bed with his Curtezan Timandra.
The Egyptians punishments against adultery, was, to cut off the nose of the woman, and the privy parts of the man.
Alexander when a woman was brought to him one evening, demanded of her why she came so late? she answered, that she stayed until her husband was gone to bed. Which he no sooner heard, but sent her away, being angry with them that had almost made him commit adultery.
He was angry with Cassander, because he would by force kiss a Minstrels maid.
Roduldus King of Lombardy being taken in adultery, was slain by the womans Husband whom he abused.
Roderigo King of Spain was deprived of his Kingdom and life by the Sarazens, who were called in by an Earl called Julian, that he might be avenged of his King for forcing his daughter.
Calius Rhodoginus in his 11 Book of Antiquiquities, telleth of a certain man, that the more he was beaten, the more he fervently desired women.
The widow of the Emperor Sigismund intending to marry again, one perswaded her to spend the remainder of her life after the manner of the Turtle Dove, who hath but one mate; If you counsel me (quoth she) to follow the example of Birds, who do you not tell me of Pidgeons and Sparrows, which after the death of their mates, do ordinarily couple with the next they meet
Hiero King of Syracusa banished the Poet Epicharmus for speaking wantonly before hir wife, and that very justly, for his wife was a true mirrour of chastity.
Sulpitius Gallus, put away his Wife by divorce, because she went abroad unmasked.
Pompey caused one of his Souldiers eyes to be put out in Spain, for thrusting his hand under a womans garment that was a Spaniard; and for the like offence, did Sertorius command a footman of his band to be cut in pieces.
If Caracalla had not seen his Mothers thigh, he had not married her.
Speusippus the Philosopher, one of Platoes folowers, was slain for his adultery.
Tigellinus died among his Concubines.